tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58506303882722860202024-03-19T02:44:31.068-07:00Sleeping Realities, the blogMusings on life. Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-31087556977885102552022-12-09T15:47:00.002-08:002022-12-09T15:47:24.771-08:00Gnosticism, a review<p><i>Disclaimer #1: I am not a Religious Studies scholar, (sadly). I am just a spiritual explorer, a layperson, with ideas above her station. I am friends with several real, bona fide Religious Studies scholars though, as well as some friends who are actual trained theologians as well. I hope the best of their ideas have rubbed off on me. And if any of them are reading this, I hope that they will not be too embarrassed at my naive approach.<br /></i></p><p><i>Disclaimer #2: I have an extremely rational streak; some might call me cynical. (OK, I confess. A few people <b>have</b> called me cynical.) I could have made a decent scholar with all this </i><i><strike>cynicism</strike> </i><i>rationality, except that I also tend to find it difficult not to be opinionated and blunt in my expression, instead of objective. All that to say, I'm direct, but I mean no disrespect to anyone. I'm just trying to understand and make sense of the world.</i></p><p><i> </i></p><p>I have no spiritual home, and I no longer wish for one, but for the past several years, I have occasionally been tempted by Gnosticism. </p><p>"Gnos-what?", you ask?</p><p>Many educated Christians, at least those in the circles I grew up in, would probably respond with something like, "Gnosticism? Hm? Isn't that a heresy that St. Augustine defeated in the 4th century? Didn't they have an extremely dualistic view of the mind-body split, which allowed them to justify weird behaviors like orgies and such? Surely that doesn't exist anymore!"</p><p>To be sure, the 4th century version of Gnosticism no longer exists. But neither does the 4th century version of Christianity. And most modern Christians would probably not be too thrilled with at least half of St. Augustine's beliefs. Turns out, a lot can change with the passage of time,... go figure.</p><p>The classic text to start with understanding Gnosticism is <a href="https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/110763.The_Gnostic_Gospels" target="_blank">Dr. Elaine Pagels' book, <i>The Gnostic Gospels</i></a>. Pagels <i>is</i> a scholar (unlike me), and the book is excellent. </p><p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYUEe3EPTC1GafQ63BigHhifH9Gp8QgQ2ZC6n7dMnm0A94hkbS8y7UbdVuZw00HRiDkKlufY-ldmnzbukqHpuJK2XDvuMuf6Gf17kmOgDR5ys4Q39R8fytZ_4JgnHhgF4mJ4ig-FaE-Rp3Qh1NMhtR_wPYqfA3NT4akvNDq14-dmDp_p3b8ejDlsCi/s400/GG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="256" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYUEe3EPTC1GafQ63BigHhifH9Gp8QgQ2ZC6n7dMnm0A94hkbS8y7UbdVuZw00HRiDkKlufY-ldmnzbukqHpuJK2XDvuMuf6Gf17kmOgDR5ys4Q39R8fytZ_4JgnHhgF4mJ4ig-FaE-Rp3Qh1NMhtR_wPYqfA3NT4akvNDq14-dmDp_p3b8ejDlsCi/w157-h245/GG.jpg" width="157" /></a></div><br />She answers the dualism question (the specific form of dualism called <b>anticosmicism</b>), with evidence that the extreme dualist position Augustine debated against was probably not widely held by most Gnostics of the time, and should not be considered a core feature of their theology. History is written by the winners, and winners often caricature those they defeat.<p></p><p> </p><p>And in any case, <i>modern</i> Gnosticism doesn't seem to deal much with the philosophical questions that Augustine wrestled with. Modern Gnosticim, as far as I can tell (by lurking in various social circles and reading articles and books), has pretty different emphases. And, like any religious movement, it is complex. So rejecting modern Gnosticism based on certain extremely-old perceptions seems irresponsible. Let's make an opinion based on where it is today.<br /></p><p>Here's my understanding of the current lay of the Gnostic land:</p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Streams of Modern Gnosticism <br /></h2><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">There is a global, <a href="http://gnosis.org/gnscript.html">organized Gnostic religion</a> <a href="http://gnosis.org/gnscript.html">called <b>Ecclesia Gnostica</b></a>. It is highly liturgical in approach and <b>considers itself Christian</b>. There are only a small handful of churches; more can be found in Europe than the US. The Gnostic church I checked out seemed to be completely devoted to Carl Jung, with the window dressing of liturgical ritual.</span></li><li><span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">There is an <a href="https://oto-usa.org/oto/egc/">organized ecclesiastical group</a><a href="https://oto-usa.org/oto/egc/"> under the OTO called <b>Ecclesia Gnostica Catholica</b> </a>that claims the Gnostic umbrella. I cannot tell how large they are, but probably relatively small. They split from the original modern Gnostic church (#1 above) in the early 1900s. They seem to be a fusion of Free-Masonry, Catholicism, and Thelemic witchcraft. <b>They reject the Christian label</b>, which is confusing, given the "Catholic" part of their name.<br /></span></li><li><span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">There are many <b>Pagan groups or individuals</b> with various sets of praxis and doctrines, who use Gnostic mythology loosely, to underpin or inform their cosmologies and some of their practices. For example, a lot of Chaos Magick adherents purport to follow a Gnostic cosmology. Much of Hermetic Paganism seems to dip into Gnosticism as well.</span></li><li><span style="background-color: #fff2cc;">There also seems to be a kind of <b>cyberpunk-influenced anarchic-leaning subculture</b>, who uses Gnostic mythology loosely as a foundation to tie together their various UFO speculations, conspiracy theories, and political convictions.</span></li></ol><p> There may be overlap in the above four streams. There may be more streams I'm unaware of. Each stream has somewhat differing beliefs. (This article doesn't focus on praxis at all, but there's much variety!) I can't speak for any of them to say for certain, but from what I can tell, there are a few main beliefs that they have in common:</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Fundamental Gnostic Beliefs <br /></h4><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><p><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUVbUxk5aY2k63zprgzu6fk3j4h1JmPaSIGxFBNZYgnyY9PuXWHE36ew9hPUaTJvVC-BUtgfycdhFHvrarw1nxuLKl9Xoi2fb1euysD7u_W3uDv30K7vDNw7wgborgb0Uq3LURtPcjTrhmOScj4lisLduV2IjqYGOKVZclTspQAtmF1KyxMvHduX33/s445/God+Is+Good%20copy.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="445" data-original-width="445" height="232" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUVbUxk5aY2k63zprgzu6fk3j4h1JmPaSIGxFBNZYgnyY9PuXWHE36ew9hPUaTJvVC-BUtgfycdhFHvrarw1nxuLKl9Xoi2fb1euysD7u_W3uDv30K7vDNw7wgborgb0Uq3LURtPcjTrhmOScj4lisLduV2IjqYGOKVZclTspQAtmF1KyxMvHduX33/w232-h232/God+Is+Good%20copy.png" width="232" /></a></b></div><b>The creator of the universe we currently live in is not a good, loving god, but a being that is evil, corrupt, ignorant, (or some other not-good thing)</b>. The exact variation of this depends on who you ask. In some stories, the Creator is good, but via the process of creating, his nature was accidentally split from itself, and he became blind and self-deceived. In some stories he is arrogant and self-important from the start, because his mother tried to impregnate herself and birthed a monster. Whichever story you choose, a core feature of Gnosticism is that the evils and troubles we endure in this world are, fundamentally, due to the flaws of our Creator. This Creator has many names, depending on which tradition you follow, but a handy one we can agree on would probably be the "Demiurge." Gnostics equated the Demiurge with the Christian God, the Jewish YHWH, and the Muslim Allah.<br />There are various ways to tell this origin story, but it usually involves an "emanation" named Sophia, who <i>is</i> good. Sophia is compared with the "emanation" who created our universe, the Demiurge. Sophia is sometimes the Demiurge's mother, sometimes a sort of sibling. But anyway, before the dawns of time, Sophia watched in horror as the Demiurge messed up the creation of this universe, and trapped other emanations in it, that would eventually become human souls. He then set himself up as evil dictator of his new creation. His minions, who enforce his will, are called Archons.<br /><p></p></li><li><p><b>Human souls are stuck in this universe</b>, in an endless cycle of reincarnation and suffering. Sophia is the one who offers our souls a way out of this nightmarish universe. But she has to fight the Creator and his "Archons," who want to keep us trapped here. This Creator and his Archons use constant deception as they guide and control the systems of the world. They <i>pretend</i> to be good, but it's all an elaborate trap to keep our souls stuck here.</p></li><li><p><b><i>Gnosis</i> is the way out</b>, the escape from this prison. <i>Gnosis</i> means "knowledge," but to the Gnostics, this isn't just any old knowledge, it is a particular <i>type</i> of knowledge. It's not the accumulation of facts; the word might be better translated as "spiritual revelation" or "transformative spiritual experience." Through continual bits of gnosis, each soul can get itself a little more un-stuck from this world, moving closer and closer to freedom. When it finally attains it, the soul can escape this universe and join with the Ultimate Source, in unity with love and perfection at last.</p></li></ol><p>There are a lot of other Gnostic beliefs and ideas, and there are many differing opinions; it is a complex religion, like any other religion! The above beliefs are the basics, though, as far as I can tell, which seem to be common to all of them (or at least most of them.)<br /></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">The pros and cons of Gnosticism, according to me</h2><p>The main thing that attracts me to Gnosticism is the recognition of the <b>fundamentally</b> <b>shitty</b> nature of reality. Whether you understand Gnostic myths in a literal-ish or extremely abstract way, the point remains— </p><p>like... this world sucks. </p><p>Sure, there are beautiful and amazing things in nature, there is joy in the world, yes yes... but at the end of the day, if we are honest, existence is absurd, and evil usually wins. Most other religions blame humans for this, but Gnosticism has the audacity to blame God. Some of you reading may be shocked at this audacity, while others will feel a sense of recognition and resonance. <i>Finally, someone is just saying it. Something is fundamentally wrong, to the very core of reality itself.</i><br /></p><p>I am somewhat skeptical, however, of anyone who offers a promise of hope for the afterlife or some kind of "salvation." We DON'T KNOW the ontological nature of our souls. We can't be remotely sure what happens after we die. We can't come close to any kind of proof that escaping this universe is possible (or, for that matter, desirable). It's foolish to try to peer into the future on issues like that. </p><p>And anyway, I don't like the concept of "salvation" itself, in general. I have the same problem with Gnostic salvation as I do with (most) Christian salvation: <b>it is nihilistic.</b> (Yes, there are branches of Christianity for whom "salvation" is not defined as "<i>going to heaven after you die</i>," but most of the ones I have encountered hold this definition. They might add other things to it, but ultimately? Be honest. It's about going to heaven.) Both Christian and Gnostic salvations imply that there is some kind of separation from reality that is required, as if reality is something to ignore (or suppress) instead of, you know, living in it.<br /></p><p><i>The point of life is to escape it?</i> </p><p><i>Humanity's true nature is fundamentally incompatible with, separate from, and antithetical to existence in time-space?</i> <br /></p><p><i>This universe is meaningless except as a way to get to the next form of existence? </i></p><p>Hard pass on all of that.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxlOPAZvS15anE5H8Z2FZyKBQDkzoGdsCKbQl9vNYEcsjtUn0-Zh75vVDaKgeY2Tkm6_gGfOv0uHER0h4cZUtmscu1pu6aoMEdXNziUK2cs02Uhq2sQHgM11b0oO3TL936GOLcw9tSxgw-riuI4ozrByFlEGJQFiNgErhahfRnS9vPNdUDsYgLH6a3/s1350/Handshake.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1350" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxlOPAZvS15anE5H8Z2FZyKBQDkzoGdsCKbQl9vNYEcsjtUn0-Zh75vVDaKgeY2Tkm6_gGfOv0uHER0h4cZUtmscu1pu6aoMEdXNziUK2cs02Uhq2sQHgM11b0oO3TL936GOLcw9tSxgw-riuI4ozrByFlEGJQFiNgErhahfRnS9vPNdUDsYgLH6a3/w355-h400/Handshake.png" width="355" /></a></div><br /><p>So while I find the Gnostic <i>explanation of reality</i> appealing, its <i>salvific pursuits</i> require far too many leaps of faith for my comfort. And I reject their spiritual teleology. <br /></p><h2 style="text-align: left;">Christian? Or Not? <br /></h2><p>While I'm at it, I have another small beef with Gnosticism </p> Maybe I'm just weird, but to me, <i>functionally</i>, Gnosticism looks like Christianity, but with extra steps.<div>
<br /><table border="3px" style="padding: 10px; width: 600px;"><tbody><tr><td scope="col" style="padding: 10px;">_</td><td scope="col" style="padding: 10px;"><h4>Christianity</h4></td><td scope="col" style="padding: 10px;"><h4>Gnosticism</h4></td></tr>
<tr><td style="padding: 10px;"> Creation story<br /></td><td style="padding: 10px;">Male god creates the known universe.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAj3NFfxG8Vj7u4zesi_OJ3jI_P2AhaOMvGTTEHdSQkDFAxtCW3V1KprbVtZjbN72UUuzEnygHWcMmuZjukv8fNgYf8Pjp4Io-hPK0XnaCIBKx3WN4wpYleus1ZBmx_2lGNsfdUgyJFihXFDjV-wtblV7EXZQvo4hPnxewxVVAE1ETQoRNjDCL69YN/s300/Xian%20Creation.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="226" data-original-width="300" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAj3NFfxG8Vj7u4zesi_OJ3jI_P2AhaOMvGTTEHdSQkDFAxtCW3V1KprbVtZjbN72UUuzEnygHWcMmuZjukv8fNgYf8Pjp4Io-hPK0XnaCIBKx3WN4wpYleus1ZBmx_2lGNsfdUgyJFihXFDjV-wtblV7EXZQvo4hPnxewxVVAE1ETQoRNjDCL69YN/s1600/Xian%20Creation.png" width="300" /></a></div></td><td style="padding: 10px;">Ultimate Source outside of existing time/space has seven emanations, one of which is Sophia (female), another is the Creator (male) who creates the known universe.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPDNokVDVtwOUhDSpLgKIW7SMp6rEcQhqcppP_61Nsw8GqCTN26McqH5wIbK-4qp5-CAQXoWcZ-4pTaQM3aTp8wuCBsdyJxd9lQgxVAKGMyS_a-7wtBxIeQEbkV699oEJeyipk2ftCA537ZAjEXpap_2r6NGmbhlaEAFNbT0CzvTf9vQ_5x43-mP9y/s400/Untitled%20design.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="335" data-original-width="400" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPDNokVDVtwOUhDSpLgKIW7SMp6rEcQhqcppP_61Nsw8GqCTN26McqH5wIbK-4qp5-CAQXoWcZ-4pTaQM3aTp8wuCBsdyJxd9lQgxVAKGMyS_a-7wtBxIeQEbkV699oEJeyipk2ftCA537ZAjEXpap_2r6NGmbhlaEAFNbT0CzvTf9vQ_5x43-mP9y/s320/Untitled%20design.png" width="320" /></a></div></td></tr>
<tr><td style="padding: 10px;"> Origin of Evil</td><td style="padding: 10px;">Eve's fault<br /></td><td style="padding: 10px;">Sophia's fault... but she will also help fix it<br /></td></tr>
<tr><td style="padding: 10px;"> Perpetuation of Evil</td><td style="padding: 10px;">The Devil deceives humans, to prevent them from turning to God.<br /></td><td style="padding: 10px;">The Creator deceives humans, to prevent them from finding the gnosis of Sophia.<br /></td></tr>
<tr><td style="padding: 10px;"> Salvation </td><td style="padding: 10px;">God uses Jesus to save humans (exactly how, is still argued among the various sects of Christianity.) Usually faith is required.<br /></td><td style="padding: 10px;">Sophia sends messengers (of which Jesus was one) and signs to promote individual experiences of gnosis. (The natures and efficacy of kinds of gnosis are argued among the various sects of Gnosticism.) Usually enlightenment processes are required.<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<p>If you made the above table to compare Christianity and many other religions, the differences would often be profound instead of merely extra-step-y. Many religions don't have the concept of salvation at all, for example.<br /></p><p>I dunno. Gnosticism seems too goddamn close to Christianity for my comfort. Probably because they both emerged originally from the same cultural and historical soils.<br /></p><p>There's more I could say, including the fact that I probably got a lot of things wrong here. But that's my perception of Gnosticism right now, and why I'm not involved.<br /></p></div>Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-19047950055672045002021-03-17T11:15:00.001-07:002021-03-17T11:15:02.696-07:00Fix Poverty<p>If the government truly served the people, solving poverty would be one of its top goals. And poverty could be solved with a few simple policies. So simple, my 4th grader can understand them. Here they are:<br /></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><p>Evaluate the cost of living and set a poverty line, updated annually. We already set a poverty line, but our current thresholds are absurd. They are set based on the cost of food alone! (wut...!!) Cost of living should be set, based on the sum of the following:</p><p style="margin-left: 40px;">median rent for a 1-bedroom apartment</p><p style="margin-left: 40px;">median cost of utilities for a 1-bedroom apartment, including internet access<br /></p><p style="margin-left: 40px;">median cost of transportation</p><p style="margin-left: 40px;">cost of food</p><p style="margin-left: 40px;">PLUS 1/3 the sum of the above, to account for other expenses required for being alive in the modern world. (Clothing, grooming, medications, furniture, communications, etc.)<br /></p><p style="margin-left: 40px;">The sum is the official poverty line. </p></li><li><p>Mandate that minimum wage be tied to whatever it would take for an individual to be above the poverty line if they worked 35 hours per week and took 2 weeks of vacation/sick time. Mandate that minimum wage be automatically updated annually, based on this calculation.</p></li><li><p>Set an income cap, so that nobody in a business is allowed to earn more than 50 times the lowest paid employee or independent contractor in that business.</p></li><li>Subsidize childcare, so that no family falls into poverty due to having a child.</li><li><p>Mandate that disability payments hit at least the poverty line, updated annually, so that no family falls into poverty due to disability.<br /></p></li><li>Subsidize health care (including mental and behavioral health), so that no family falls into poverty due to health expenses.<br /></li></ul><p> That's it. Poverty solved in six steps.</p><p><br /></p><p>What would this look like in 2021? I'll run some quick and dirty numbers. (I'm sure these would need finessing.)<br /></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Median rent 1B apt: $<a href="https://www.statista.com/statistics/1063502/average-monthly-apartment-rent-usa/" target="_blank">1,124</a> x 12 = <b>$13,488 / year</b><br /></li><li>Median utilities: <b><a href="https://www.nationwide.com/lc/resources/personal-finance/articles/average-cost-of-utilities" target="_blank">$2,060</a> / year</b></li><li><a href="https://www.itdp.org/2019/05/23/high-cost-transportation-united-states/" target="_blank">Median transportation per car: </a><b>$4,271 / year </b>($9,737 per household / 2.28 cars per household)</li><li>Food: <b>$<a href="https://aspe.hhs.gov/2021-poverty-guidelines#threshholds" target="_blank">4,450</a> / year</b></li><li><b> TOTAL $24,269 </b></li><li><b>1/3 of above, for miscellaneous expenses: 8,090 <span style="background-color: #f9cb9c;"><br /></span></b></li></ul><p><span style="background-color: #fcff01;"><b>POVERTY LINE: $32,359 (one person)</b></span><b><span style="background-color: #fcff01;"></span><br /></b></p><p>Thus, minimum wage should be set so that a person working 35 hours/week can hit the poverty line, with two weeks vacation. So 50 weeks x 35 hours = 1750 hours per year.</p><p>32,359 / 1750 = <b><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">$18.49 / hour minimum wage in 2021</span><br /></b></p><p>32,359 / 12 = <span style="background-color: #fcff01;"><b>$2,697 / month disability payments in 2021</b></span></p><p>If we combined these wage increases with subsidizing childcare and healthcare, nobody would live in poverty in this country. Imagine all the social ills this would cure! So many of our problems are tied to poverty. </p><p>Additionally, the income caps would solve all the problems related to income inequality. For anyone worried about this kind of thing "killing innovation and motivation to succeed," please note, there is still room to grow, because the calculation is a ratio not a fixed number. It's just simply the case that if the boss wants to give himself a raise, he has to raise everyone else as well. Everyone contributes to a company's success; everyone should benefit from its profits. There are still people who are higher earners than others; they just cannot exploit other people anymore.<br /></p><p>I have a final, more radical, idea that would be MUCH more disruptive than the above policies, but would seriously be a much more ethical way to run a modern society. I'll share it in the next post.<br /></p>Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-9533001179405501352021-01-27T00:23:00.006-08:002021-01-27T12:15:12.404-08:00The Past is Yet to Come<p> I woke up a few days ago, after a long, tearful night, with a new phrase ringing in my mind:</p><p><b><i>The past is yet to come</i></b>.</p><p>And then came a flood of memories that wanted to be heard again. I can't say I know why. I won't know until after I write it.</p><p>In addition to a personal situation making me inordinately tearful, the current socio-political situation in the United States is also bothering me deeply. I don't know how I will resolve my personal situation, but on the political, I believe I do have something to say. Even though I do not know how these memories that surfaced recently have any direct relation to the situation I'm dealing with now, I felt an unexpected sense of calm after surrendering my mind to remembering them. Perhaps, somehow, my own personal healing process can be a mysterious part of the healing process of society as well.</p><p><br /></p><p>My earliest memories mostly involve church, which we attended several times per week. I remember driving out to the squat building on the edge of town with the distinctive blue circular structure, and the letters tacked onto the side: Cornerstone Church. At the time, I understood, that's how churches were <i>supposed</i> to look. Now I know what a freakish architectural oddity that building is. Flat and plain, the building's only windows are deeply set under a long, low arch that furrows over them like a large heavy eyebrow. At one end is a strange circular structure that looks like a grain silo has been cut in half, painted, and slapped onto the building. </p><p>Here's how the building looks on Google Maps today:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZDLeosLHfYViPLohhPpgfq5n_Fd1IEKMRNw0fLaOf29onyq8MaAqXoWsxX2oTtGYonzCMiMHkz5u0NcjSYC-XUphilGcPFVYC4-ofUMORXNbwXgouM1xYbLPf79Fqba_M9mNKfkvV1b4/s1648/2021-01-26_22-05-36.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="596" data-original-width="1648" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZDLeosLHfYViPLohhPpgfq5n_Fd1IEKMRNw0fLaOf29onyq8MaAqXoWsxX2oTtGYonzCMiMHkz5u0NcjSYC-XUphilGcPFVYC4-ofUMORXNbwXgouM1xYbLPf79Fqba_M9mNKfkvV1b4/w566-h205/2021-01-26_22-05-36.png" width="566" /></a></div><br /><p>I remember the circle tower thingy being bright blue. They, apparently, have painted it purple since then. I think they used it as a storage closet. What else would you do with such a large circular space, anyway? It's not tall enough to use the shape for acoustic purposes. There are no windows, so it won't conform to fire safety standards. All you can do is stuff your extra chairs and unused seasonal decorations into it.<br /></p><p><b>Weird building, right?</b> But it boasts a certain boldness. "Dare to be different," it says. "There is an enormous, ridiculous concrete tower (that isn't even tall enough to be a tower) on one end of me, that nobody else would think to create. But we thought of it." </p><p><b>Weird, bold building for weird, bold people</b>. Out on the edge of town. Questioning and reshaping reality.<br /></p><p>I remember the music. Bright! Fast! Exuberant! Loud! The singers had perms. The guitarists had mullets. The drummer was in the center of the stage. My mother was the keyboardist. People waved their arms and danced in the aisles. I remember watching with fascination how the stomach of a very fat man would jiggle around himself as he danced and laughed, as the Holy Spirit washed over him and the music roared. I remember people running. They ran around and around the sanctuary when the Spirit became especially strong sometimes. </p><p>I remember a friend my age, Jessica. Sometimes we stood next to each other during the music service and played a secret game. We each sang as loudly as we could, and when we hit the same high note at exactly the same pitch and with a loud enough volume, we would feel the mutual resonances of each other's voices vibrate in our skulls in a particularly delightful way. Only we could feel it, because we were right next to each other, creating it. At least, <i>I</i> was playing that game; I don't know if Jessica felt skull vibrations when we hit the same note. Maybe she was just smiling at me because I was smiling at her. <br /></p><p>I remember going to Sunday School in the side room. Sadly, I cannot remember the name of the teacher, but she had dark wavy hair. She was very nice and happy, very good with kids. She taught us songs like "The Fruits of the Spirit" and "I've Got the Joy." We often had puppet shows, and I distinctly remember a puppet show performed to "Girls Just Wanna Serve God." (It was a remake of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," of course. The Christian world is full of redemptive mimicry.) </p><p>I remember walking out of the building at the end of each service, and the gregarious Pastor Duane wanted to give everyone a hug or shake their hand as they left. I was painfully shy and always drew away from him, but I did trust his wife, Mary, who was also a quieter personality, and I sometimes let her hug me.</p><p>I remember church people exclaiming how much I looked like my dad, as we had the same color hair and eyes, and we both have square-shaped faces. I had already taken society's gender messaging to heart, even at 4 years old, and I always felt pained to correct these well-meaning friends: "I am a girl, and Daddy is a boy, so we don't look alike. I look like Mommy, because she is a girl." (Actually, my mother and I look nothing alike; her features are fine and lithe, and her coloring is totally different.) </p><p>I learned that the Lord is good! and the Gospel is the power of God for salvation! I learned that Jesus loves everyone, SO MUCH, it's hard to even describe how much. Sometimes you just have to dance and shout and run around and sing really loudly, to understand how much Jesus loves you. I learned that the Bible is completely true, and it contains absolutely everything you need to know in life. Sometimes other people don't read their Bibles the right way, or they don't read them at all, and that's why they do bad things. But <i>we</i> know that <i>we</i> are reading the Bible the right way.</p><p>My grandmother taught me to read when I was 4. She had taught elementary school for decades, and she said I was her easiest pupil. She said it was more like <i>reminding</i> me how to read, than actually teaching me. Of course, I immediately tried to read the Bible. I remember an old, red, leather-bound Bible we had, with a zipper you could close it up with, on the 3 sides that weren't the binding side. It wasn't real leather; it was some synthetic material, and it was cracking apart. The pages had gold on the edges. </p><p>I remember reading the book of Revelation and feeling a sense of suspense and wonder at the part where the Apostle John was about to write down what the voice of the seven thunders had told him, but an angel told him to seal it up and not to write it. I remember exclaiming to my dad, "I really wonder what the thunders said!" He responded, "you and everyone else!"</p><p>Wow. I had something in common with the rest of the world! <i>We all wondered what the seven thunders said! </i><br /></p><p>And then I was 5. And then I had to go to Kindergarten. It was unthinkable to send me to a public school, where the world and the devil would corrupt my spirit. My parents <i>had</i> to send me to a Christian school, and there were only a few choices at the time. The one that was doctrinally closest to the Gospel my parents firmly believed in was run by the Assemblies of God. My dad fretted about their stance on faith manifestation and healing; mom wondered if it was too mainstream since it was part of a (gasp) denomination. But we were poor, and to get a discount on tuition we had to attend that church. So we changed churches.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPEZlra5JCHOBaFYi09V2X8mLdxo6qvphlOFdVWteImFmjt_pQc79SRu3PbRUAAmNfhjghm4EVUL5kf28S51e2rza6LJwLtVSC0qsTGNKKSNOMAxq49Jd76yVYMW92pIWhLmnbiudQt_U/s1314/2021-01-27_12-22-44.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="522" data-original-width="1314" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPEZlra5JCHOBaFYi09V2X8mLdxo6qvphlOFdVWteImFmjt_pQc79SRu3PbRUAAmNfhjghm4EVUL5kf28S51e2rza6LJwLtVSC0qsTGNKKSNOMAxq49Jd76yVYMW92pIWhLmnbiudQt_U/w606-h239/2021-01-27_12-22-44.png" width="606" /></a></div><br /><p>First Assemblies of God was on the other side of town and also on the edge of town at the time, but it was in the part of town that was growing rapidly. The building was enormous. It had two stories of audience seating. Their music team included an orchestra. They had a grand piano. Their drumset was off to the side. People still waved their hands in worship, but much more discretely than at Cornerstone. Pastor Ray had a deeper voice and calmer personality than Pastor Duane. Sometimes he said, "God works in mysterious ways," which infuriated my dad, who believed God can be known. But still, it was better than the Lutheran school. At least the Assemblies of God people believed in the baptism of the Holy Spirit. And it was better than the Catholic school, where they committed idolatry. And it was, for sure, better than public school!</p><p>And Jessica was also entering Kindergarten with me. </p><p>I remember pretending not to be able to read, because I didn't want to hurt the feelings of the other kids, who were clearly struggling. I remember making handprints in plaster of paris. I remember circle time and nap time and "Who Stole the Cookie." I remember the feeling of dread when the teacher served bananas as snacks; I hated bananas, but I was scared to tell her. I thought it would hurt her feelings. Once I was eating my banana so slowly, all the other kids went out to recess and came back again, and I was still sitting there with the barely-nibbled banana on my desk. That's when Mrs. Borchardt realized the problem and pulled me out of the room to talk to me. "You don't have to eat anything you don't want to! You just need to tell me!" What a relief! <br /></p><p>I remember eagerly memorizing Bible verses, one per week, for each letter of the alphabet.</p><p><b>A!</b> "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." </p><p><b>B!</b> "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved."</p><p><b>C!</b> "Confess your sins one to another that you may be healed."</p><p>I remember Nathan Gardner, the class rascal, bragging that he had looked ahead and memorized Q in advance: "Quit ye like men, be strong."<br /></p><p>Be strong. I don't remember much about being bullied, but my mom says I often came home crying, because the other kids said mean things to me and didn't want to play with me. I was weird. Maybe I was too smart, too conscientious, too shy, too poor, too out of touch. I had strange habits like spinning my hands and walking on my toes, and I stared into space often. I was quiet, but if I did speak up, it was usually something awkward but full of enthusiasm. I didn't understand or care about the social movements happening among the kids— who had a crush on whom and whose parents knew which important people. </p><p>There is a video of me at a friend's birthday party singing "Happy Birthday" way too loudly. After the song finished, I immediately belted out a second verse. And then a third verse. People began to look at each other warily, or with amused chuckles. Fourth verse. I'm the only one singing. Fifth verse. Finally I realize it's time to be done, and my friend blows out the candles at last.<br /></p><p>Nobody was talking about autism or neuro-atypicality back then, especially not for girls, and doubly-especially not Christians. I was just "weird," and it was a label I would eventually grow to wear proudly instead of with shame. </p><p>But I hadn't grown to that point yet. Instead, my heart was broken. The other kids—kids whom Jesus loved SO MUCH, and for whom I felt a glowing love as well—did not love me back. Only Jessica played with me at recess, but not enthusiastically, once she realized I was weird. Anyway, her family moved away, halfway through the year. </p><p>Eventually Katie started playing with me. I don't know if she didn't think I was weird, or if she just didn't care. I don't know what she saw in me, but we clicked. Her boisterous exuberance and my quiet receptivity were like two interlocking pieces of a puzzle. We are friends to this day.<br /></p><p>I didn't know it, but there was a problem. My parents had to warn me before I went to play at her house. Katie's family was Mennonite. They don't believe in the baptism of the Holy Spirit. They don't dance in church. They don't even have drums. But at least we all believe that the Bible is absolutely true, and we can accept each others' differences. And Katie doesn't bully you, and it's important to have friends.<br /></p><p>I do not know why Katie's parents chose the Assemblies of God school instead of the Lutheran school, but I'm glad they did. With Katie, I had to pretend not to care about the baptism of the Holy Spirit, but it didn't end up mattering. There were games to play, nature to explore, other conversations to be had. And at the end of the day, we each believed that Jesus was the only savior of the world, the Bible was the foundation of truth, and God was the ruler of the universe. That's what mattered. And from that place of trust, we went on to build tree forts, play on tractors, wade in creeks, go on long bike rides, dress up in fancy clothes, bike <i>by ourselves</i> to the convenience store several blocks away, sing karaoke, bake new recipes, make crafts. After setting aside doctrine, we were able to engage with reality in a beautiful way.</p><p>I mostly hate looking back on my past. It's not that I had any major traumatic experiences— I didn't. It's just that I feel like most of it was a huge waste. I gave myself 110% to a belief system and way of life that was ultimately toxic and empty. Instead of learning how to relate to the world in healthy ways, I was off exploring vapid theologies and working out details of irrelevant doctrines. I can never get that time back, and that makes me angry and sad. But I am grateful for people like Katie who grounded me and accepted me and explored the real world with me, with gusto and love. She redeems my story, makes it not a complete waste.<br /></p><p>I want to pivot here, to a commentary on the political happenings today.<br /></p><p>Back then, all the churches were pretty insular. They tolerated each other and worked together when they could, because they shared some common goals, like developing viable Christian schools. But generally, each church had its doctrinal reasons to disapprove of all the other churches, and to believe that <i>only they</i> were getting it truly right. Each church was located on the edge of town, each in their own weird little building. Suspicious of the town. Suspicious of each other.<br /></p><p>Over time, many of these very different streams ended up coalescing into a political entity now labeled Evangelicalism, which has become a mighty, fearsome political force in the United States. I actually do know how that happened, but I don't want to focus on that right now. I want to focus on some of the unspoken animus behind the violent and intractable rebellions that Evangelicals are displaying.<br /></p><p>What is going on? Why do they refuse to accept science, facts, and reason? Why did they gather around someone who is the antithesis of Christ? There are many theories, but here's my analysis.</p><p>Although Evangelicals collectively make up one of the largest religious and political groups in the United States, individually, <b>they each still feel like that little church isolated on the edge of town</b>. Nobody can accept them, because they are weird. They've never been able to fit in, and actually, they don't even want to.<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKncP-CnpU8YuMcv1PTDdeQnguZZOw2LBH6XZCr_IBpM9lu9wtjT8jVmxgqSADS5kBDJ2txSnfTD1Vu7IyKnXBYyMeIVFP4utnM8MMY1PqC1wp7a5vdD7nY_Hy_sD_Gz4VF5FtAhIleew/s450/rejected.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="450" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKncP-CnpU8YuMcv1PTDdeQnguZZOw2LBH6XZCr_IBpM9lu9wtjT8jVmxgqSADS5kBDJ2txSnfTD1Vu7IyKnXBYyMeIVFP4utnM8MMY1PqC1wp7a5vdD7nY_Hy_sD_Gz4VF5FtAhIleew/w203-h203/rejected.gif" width="203" /></a></div><br />Unconsciously, the Evangelical worldview is nihilistic. It rejects reality —ostensibly in favor of a different reality called "the kingdom of God," which they define as relationship with God, mostly at the individual level— but this kingdom has absolutely no basis in any of the five physical senses. Evangelicals are explicitly taught to ignore or reject any reality that does not conform to God's kingdom. Eventually, after death, when we go to Heaven, the material and spiritual realities will be in harmony, but in the meantime, there is a split that cannot be resolved. Ultimately, their sense of reality rests on an elaborate structure that is actually nothing. It's all abstractions and doctrines and mental extrapolations; there is no real experience to undergird it. That's why I say it is nihilistic. Evangelicals believe in nothing. It's a twisted nihilism, though, because they believe that they believe in something... but really it's nothing. (I am wildly over-simplifying this, for the sake of my point. There is so much nuance that I'm glossing over)<p></p><p><b>If their nihilism could speak, it might say, "the world exists, but it shouldn't. I exist, but I shouldn't. I do not know how to reconcile these things, and that fills me with rage."</b><br /></p><p>Denying reality is fundamentally painful. It puts you on the edge of town. It labels you as hopelessly weird. You can learn to identify with that weirdness and wear it as a badge of honor, but deep down, the separation between you and the rest of the world hurts like hell. Humans are meant to be <i><b>connected—</b></i> to nature, to each other, and to the real world. Separation and isolation are inherently and inescapably painful. Most evangelicals keep that pain buried and are not aware of it. But it is always there, waiting to be tapped.</p><p>I think Evangelicals are acting wild and irrational because their biggest secret, which they've kept even from themselves, is finally being exposed: their entire existences have been built around nothing. They would rather go mad than face that fact. They would rather burn down the entire world. The idea that their entire lives have been a waste of time, ultimately toxic and empty, is horrifying.</p><p>Somehow, Evangelicals need a Katie: someone who can love them for who they are. Who can inspire them to set their doctrine aside and jump into the joy and messiness of experiencing and embracing the real world.<br /></p><p>Perhaps this is what the voice in my head was referring to in its prophetic numinosity:</p><p><i><b>The past is yet to come</b></i>.</p><p>The world is often a hostile place. But there are people like Katie who will come along and see something that nobody else sees. If it happened before, it can happen again. And if it happened for one little girl, it can happen for an entire movement of people. I don't actually know this for sure, but I desperately try to believe it... the past can be redeemed.<br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p>Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-50713117099340792322019-11-18T23:59:00.000-08:002019-11-18T23:59:01.469-08:00What I saw in a past life regression meditationMy name was Ilicus.*<br />
<br />
I was a man in his mid-50's, with salt-and-pepper hair, and a sturdy muscular body. I lived somewhere and some time in the Roman Empire. I was of medium importance in the community and considered a respectable person. I and my family lived comfortably, not extravagantly, and my work was vaguely political in nature. Maybe a city accountant or something like that. I had served in the military in the past.<br />
<br />
I was dying. There was pain on my left flank. I don't know if it was a wound, or liver failure, or what. I was in bed, and my wife, Jaia,* was attending to me. She was so beautiful, so faithful, so perfect. I wanted to express my gratitude to her. I wanted to express my love for her. I looked at her and realized<b> I had no words to express my feelings.</b> I had never expressed emotion to her before, so how would I know how to do it now? I felt so at a loss.<br />
<br />
I looked at Jaia's face, and realized with shock that <b>she hated me</b>. In a rush, I realized what I had continually refused to think about for years—I had hurt her in countless ways. I was cold, unfeeling, harsh, critical. I had made her feel alone and unloved. I almost never spoke to her. I had even been responsible for the unthinkable...<br />
<br />
My memory flashed back to an undefined number of years earlier. There was a woman being whipped. The mists cleared: it was Jaia. It was my fault she was being punished, but I did not get the details of what had happened. The only thing I saw was that she was tied to a post before me, naked and in agony as a soldier did his duty. Each lash of the whip shot through my soul like fire. How could I have let this happen? My precious Jaia, and it was my fault. <br />
<br />
I wanted to weep, but I didn't know how. I hadn't wept since I was a very young child. In fact, standing near the whipping, I didn't even flinch or cringe. I didn't show any feelings at all. As Jaia looked over for a brief moment, to search my face for any sign of concern or support, my memory told me that she probably found nothing there. As usual. This is why, I now realized in hindsight from my deathbed, when I had cradled her to take her home, she had not looked at me again. Pain shot through my heart as I began to understand the scope of the wounds I had caused her.<br />
<br />
"Jaia," I faltered. What could I say? Panic began to arise in my chest. I began to realize that my entire life had been lived wrongly. I had prioritized everything <i>except</i> this woman, whom I now realized had been the most important thing in the world, all along. I had completely missed the point. Now she was going to be glad I was dead! The opinions of anyone else in the city did not matter to me. I wanted <i>her</i> to miss me. I loved Jaia deep in my soul; I always had. But why had I never told her? I had always wanted to be close to her. Why had I never made that a priority? I had failed at the only important thing in life: love. I saw why she hated me. I now hated myself.<br />
<br />
Surely, I couldn't have been that bad! I hadn't completely neglected her. I was a responsible husband. I had provided a secure lifestyle. Our finances were in order. I felt a small sense of comfort knowing that she and our son would be comfortable after my passing. But that did not feel even close to enough, at this moment, as I saw the emptiness and bitterness in her eyes. The bitterness born of years of pain— wave after wave of pain that I had caused her. I began to feel those waves myself.<br />
<br />
There was another memory flashback. Jaia was in bed —the same bed I was now dying on. She had just given birth to our son. I was elated, joyful, absolutely delighted with him. With her. With everything. I held the baby, love surging in my chest. I looked down at Jaia. Our eyes met. Could she see my joy, flickering behind my eyes? I think she did, because she smiled. Did she know I loved her? Probably not. But how could I tell?<br />
<br />
"You should have kissed her." My memory's narrator chided me. "You should have knelt down and squeezed her hand and told her how beautiful and amazing she is. You should have offered to give her some food or water."<br />
<br />
Did I <i>not</i> do all those things? <i>I didn't? </i> How could I have just stood there like some kind of dumb fence post, and then idiotically stumbled away to let the midwives finish their work, without even SAYING anything? That hurt Jaia too.<br />
<br />
I was near the end. I had only regrets. I wanted to try to make things right, or even just to let Jaia know how sorry I was. I tried to say I was sorry. It sounded hollow. My body floated to the ceiling; I saw the scene from above. I was desperate. Everything was wrong. How could I do something, even one small thing, to make this better? I realized that since I was dying first, that meant that Jaia might die alone, and that seemed wrong. She should be with me. I tried to call out to her—"I will come to you when you die, and I will be with you. That's a promise." But I no longer had any physical voice. I hoped her soul heard me.<br />
<br />
I blinked, and I was in a silent, warm forest clearing. It was all green and gray. There was moss underfoot, and the trees were impossibly tall and close together. There was no sound, just the green and gray light. <br />
<br />
Guilt racked my soul. I had it in my head that the only thing I could do at this point to make things a little better was to provide some comfort for Jaia when it was her turn to die, by being there to guide her soul through the passage. I waited anxiously.<br />
<br />
I saw an opening, and I saw that it was her time. I walked over, but I could not draw near. There was a powerful, invisible force that kept me at a distance. Then<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>The Goddess and her consorts</b></span><br />
appeared, and THEY escorted Jaia —my Jaia— to the Beyond. I was not allowed. Jaia did not want me. I would never be united with her. My heart broke completely, and I wept.<br />
<br />
<i>Green and gray, and gray and green</i><br />
<i>Moss and tree and stone</i><br />
<i>I ignored my love, my love ignored me</i><br />
<i>And now I am alone</i><br />
<br />
"What can I do!" I cried. "I am guilty! I was wrong! How do I make it right? How can I be united with Jaia? How can I heal the wounds I gave her?" I was crushed by the sheer impossibility of going back in time. What I had done, was done. Written in stone for eternity. There was absolutely no way to change it, and no way to atone for my sins. My sobs choked me. I was nauseous and terrified, completely overwhelmed by my guilt. <br />
<br />
Did this mean that Jaia's pain would last through eternity? No... Surely not. She would receive comfort in the afterlife. She was a good person. But could <i>I</i> comfort her? That would be the only way justice could be achieved, right? <b>If I could only make it right, if I could only heal her wounds!</b><br />
<br />
<i>Green and gray, and gray and green</i><br />
<i>Moss and tree and stone</i><br />
<i>I ignored my love, my love ignored me</i><br />
<i>And now I am alone</i><br />
<br />
"<b>The Goddess will heal her wounds</b>," an invisible voice spoke to me. "<b>You must sacrifice to The Goddess</b>."<br />
<br />
I looked around. "There is no water here," I spoke out. "There is no grain, there are no animals. What do I sacrifice to The Goddess?"<br />
<br />
In answer, silence echoed around me. For a thousand years. <br />
<br />
It must be part of my punishment, to contemplate the impossibility of atoning for my sins.<br />
________________<br />
<br />
<br />
At this point, the voice on the guided meditation track began to drone that it was time to return to my current life. Tears were on my current face, the life I'm actually living now. I was aware of nausea and a tightness of throat. I felt incredibly guilty.<br />
<br />
"Ilicus," I spoke. "That's easy. You sacrifice <i>yourself</i>. The Goddess will take your body and your mind, your imperfect self, and dissolve them. She will absorb them, she will transform them, and she will create new pieces of life from them, to heal Jaia."<br />
<br />
I scrambled out of bed, still crying and somewhat in trance, and found the only image of the Goddess I have at hand, a beautiful painting of Brigid. I set it on the floor, and enacted the sacrifice. Weeping, offering my body, prostrating myself. "Take me, dissolve me!" I called. "Burn me in your fire! Consume me until there is nothing left! And please, let Jaia know that I do this for her!" I repeated these words, until a calm settled. My guilt began to lift.<br />
<br />
__________________ <br />
<br />
<br />
<i>*I don't even know if what I saw is true, much less whether my vision of it has any fidelity to what may have been the real story. I am terrible at meditation to begin with; additionally, everything that I experienced was processed through my conscious mind. Most details were vague. Any details I sensed, like names, are highly likely to contain at least some element of fabrication.</i><br />
<i>I do know that the imagery and emotions of this vision resonate with my current life, which indicates to me that there is a shift happening somewhere in my psyche. </i>Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-91676896355580814032019-03-11T12:04:00.001-07:002021-01-27T08:25:01.625-08:00Is Character Determined by Nature or Nurture?<p>I was so excited to run across this study. The sample sizes were large, carefully controlled, and pulled from Finnish, German, and Korean populations. Results were highly stable across all populations studied, so it looks likely that this is an accurate insight into human nature.<br />
<b><a href="https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-018-0263-6">https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-018-0263-6</a></b><br />
<br />
So, we finally have an answer to the question of whether human character is based in nature or nurture! At least part of the answer, anyway.<br />
<br />
Turns out, the answer is (drum roll, please)...<br />
<br />
<b>50-58%</b> of character traits are attributable to genetic, heritable factors. (Nature)</p><p>So roughly half, or a little more than half, of our personalities are "determined," which means that the other half (or slightly less than half) are affected by Nurture.<br />
<br />
This is amazing!<br />
<br />
The next question in my mind would be, of the 42-50% of remaining attribution, how much is due to external situations, versus internal choices? (So we move from "nature vs. nurture" to "free will vs. fate.") I'm sure the answers are extremely messy, and, of course, there are probably no hard and fast rules. But this is cool to see.</p>Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-58499228526668290772019-02-08T23:30:00.001-08:002019-02-08T23:30:48.449-08:00Top Five Stupid Things Schools Do, in order of how easy it would be for them to fixSchools do a lot of things that are extremely annoying and counterproductive. In my opinion, these are the <b>top five bad habits</b> of schools (at least the several dozen or so that I've encountered first-hand), ranked in order of how easy it would be for them to stop doing these things. (Easiest to hardest.) I also give my opinions on more productive things schools should be doing instead. <br />
<h2>
1. Fundraisers</h2>
Fundraisers are bullsh*t. I hate them. I refuse to do them. Not just because they are an inconvenience to my busy life—and they are. And not just because I am somewhat shy and don't like approaching people to ask for money — and I am. But mostly because the whole premise of fundraisers is SO WRONG!<br />
<h3>
A) Why is this bad? </h3>
Well, first of all, as a matter of principle, <b>children should not be performing capitalistic labor</b> for for-profit companies (or any company that accepts money, whether technically for-profit or not). Yes, companies that create those [chocolates, wrapping papers, popcorn tins, and the whole lot of things designed for children to sell as fundraisers], are usually for-profit. Their business model is to make unpaid workers —children— their sales force, then share a sliver of their profits with the fundraiser beneficiary (usually the school). This is unethical on so many levels, which should be enough of an argument to settle it. But there's more. Fundraising also sets a bad pattern for the children's developing self identity. (Learning to see themselves as worker drones of capitalism instead of as citizens of a democracy.) <br />
I can hear someone arguing, "well, shouldn't children be trained to do chores, as a matter of contributing to their community?" Yes, they should. Fundraising is completely different than chores, though. I won't argue this out completely here, because I still have 4 other headings to get to, but I think the differences should be pretty obvious. The kids help clean up the messes that they help make around the house, but it is <i>my</i> job as the adult to pay the rent/mortgage so they have a house to live in. It is not their job.<br />
(As a side note, my kid once came home with a fundraising packet for a whole-school effort <i>for The American Heart
Association</i>... not even for the school itself! This practically made me
apoplectic. For slightly different reasons than the ones I already listed and won't get into here, but still! Ridiculous!) <br />
<br />
Second of all, <b>We The People should be funding our schools properly</b>. Period. That includes enough funding for field trips, music equipment, laptops, the whole shebang. Whatever the school determines it needs a fundraiser for, WE SHOULD BE PAYING FOR IT from our taxes (or the school should go without.) I like the quote I saw on a bumper sticker once: "<em>It will be a great day when our schools get all the money they need and the air force has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber." </em><br />
It really is a matter of getting our priorities straight.<br />
<br />
<h3>
B) What should schools do instead?</h3>
This is easy. Just refuse to do the fundraisers. Schools should keep striking and putting pressure on politicians (yay #RedForEd!!!), to demand better conditions. Part of a
comprehensive strike strategy should be to <b>refuse to participate in
fundraiser activities</b>. Don't send the packets home with kids, don't let
the salespeople in the door to schmooze the principal, don't set up competitions, just don't do
it. Every time a fundraiser is proposed, the principal sends a letter to our
congresspeople demanding proper school funding, <i>and</i> the teachers a letter to the parents telling <i>them</i> to contact their congresspeople as well. Here's a letter I would <i>love</i> to get from a teacher:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Dear Parents, </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Our school is recommending that all students take a fundraiser packet home, and engage in a competition as to who can sell the most products. Instead of putting these packets in your child's backpack, though, I am taking this opportunity to ask you to please contact Congresspeople [Jane Doe] and [John Doe], and tell them that education funding is high on your list of political priorities. I want your children to focus on learning and developing into their best selves, not competing to sell trinkets, just to fill in the gaps the adults aren't filling. Please contact your congresspeople today, and ignore the fundraiser packets.<br />
<br />Thank you,<br />
[Mrs. Jones]"</blockquote>
<br />
<h2>
2) Homework</h2>
Homework is bullsh*t. I'm sick of dealing with it. Not just because it's an inconvenience to my family's busy life —and it is. But really, because the practice of assigning homework is based on principles that are truly wrongheaded.<br />
<h3>
A) Why is this bad? </h3>
<a href="https://www.lifehack.org/385878/research-finds-the-effects-of-homework-on-elementary-school-students-and-the-results-are-surprising" target="_blank">There is no good evidence to support the use of homework in elementary school</a>. Homework seems to be only somewhat, tenuously supported in middle school and high school (<a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/alfie-kohn/homework-research_b_2184918.html" target="_blank">and its benefits seen in studies are very modest and could easily be gained via other methods besides homework</a>). The #1 proven, consistent, reliable outcome of homework, though, is a <b>suppression of the love of learning</b>.<br />
On the top-10 list of predictors for academic success? <a href="http://theconversation.com/its-true-happier-students-get-higher-grades-41488" target="_blank"><b>Love of learning</b></a>. Kill that, and you kill the education of the child. Nurturing it should be the MAIN GOAL of schools!! And yet they <i>require</i> something <i>known</i> to kill it! It would be like a doctor prescribing cigarettes to her patients. SO DUMB.<br />
<h3>
B) What should schools do instead?</h3>
This is also easy. Change their policies to require that teachers do NOT send homework packet home with kids. Don't take away privileges for not doing homework, don't throw parties for the kids who do homework. Keep school at school. Make learning fun. (But also, <i>do</i> offer parenting resources, such as information about how to raise intellectually curious children... like visiting libraries regularly, reading to children, engaging in complex discussions, spending time in nature, etc. A parent's involvement in a child's education is also crucial.)<br />
<br />
<h2>
3) One Recess or less per day, and taking away recess as a punishment</h2>
Not getting enough recess is bullsh*t. When I was in grade school, we got three recesses per day. Today I am extremely hard-pressed to find a school <i>anywhere</i> that has more than one recess. And I have looked at a lot of schools. The most number of recesses per day I've seen is two; some schools don't have any recess! Compare this to Japan and some other countries, where students get 10 minutes of unstructured recess per 50 minutes of classtime!<br />
<h3>
A) Why is this bad? </h3>
Studies show that recess is extremely important to child development. By recess I mean <b>unstructured free play time</b>. PE class is not recess. (PE is important, don't get me wrong, but the <i>unstructured</i> free time is the important element here.) "Structured recess" is slightly better than none, but still doesn't hit the spot. Children need downtime to let their brains rest, get their wiggles out, socialize, be creative, and develop their imaginations, while connecting with nature. <a href="http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/131/1/183" target="_blank">Schools that stick to a higher number of recesses per day get better educational outcomes than those that only have one per day</a>.<br />
<br />
Additionally, using removed time from recess as a punishment is completely counterproductive. Many children misbehave because they can no longer focus, they are bored, they have pent up energy... THEY NEED RECESS to <i>keep</i> them from misbehaving! <br />
<br />
Just today, my kid's teacher took away his recess because he didn't turn in his homework. (We lost it. Looked everywhere, couldn't find it. I'm not making excuses; I searched high and low for an hour, because I didn't want him to be punished. But alas.) Hearing about his punishment made me so angry. She took away something that's proven to <i>improve</i> cognitive outcomes (recess) because he hadn't done something that's proven to <i>worsen</i> cognitive outcomes (homework). SO BACKWARD!<br />
<h3>
B) What should schools do instead?</h3>
This would require a bit of restructuring of schedules, so it wouldn't happen overnight. But it could be done. Make sure every student in K-6th has at least three 20-minute recesses per day. Older kids would benefit from breaks, too. We ALL benefit from breaks!<br />
Part of the reason schools are reducing recess has to do, again, with slashed funding. They remove two of the three recesses, shorten the school day slightly, and save on their electric bill by closing the building earlier. Again, though... This is not a good reason. We must demand adequate funding for our schools!<br />
<br />
Another part of the reason schools are doing this has to do with No Child Left Behind tying funding to test scores in reading and math. Schools want to be SURE their students can pass those math and reading tests (by non-evidence-based deadlines), so they devote twice as much time to these subjects as before, at the expense of things like recess. They are shooting themselves in the foot, though. Students may indeed fly through the NCLB hoops due to more time focusing on these subjects, but they lose out on a lot of other really important developmental things. This stifles their academic growth long-term.<br />
<h3>
</h3>
<h2>
4) Cutting the so-called "extra-curriculars"</h2>
Cutting extra-curriculars is bullsh*t. After "No Child Left Behind" was implemented, schools started cutting their art, music, sports, and other programs that were not directly related to reading and math. Much ink has been spilled about the disastrous consequences, so I won't go into it all. I'm sure most people agree, schools <i>should</i> include bountiful opportunities for other classes besides the so-called core subjects. And just one music class per week or one art class per month doesn't cut it. <br />
<h3>
A) Why is this bad? </h3>
A rich environment full of diverse activities is healthy for a developing brain. The more kids do things <i>besides</i> math and reading, the <i>better they get</i> at math and reading. It's counter-intuitive, maybe, but it's true. Science knows this. Policymakers should get on board.<br />
And really, it shouldn't be counter-intuitive. Math and reading are both <i>tools</i>... means to other ends, not ends unto themselves. The human mind is wired to search for meaning, and it performs better on tasks its finds meaningful. When a child engages in things like designing an art project or developing a strategy for winning a game of soccer, their brain lights up and builds all the wonderful connections it needs to mature properly. And the amazing thing is, in the process of doing these things THE CHILD IS USING MATH AND READING SKILLS, albeit indirectly. She is using the skills of math and reading in the ways that they are <i>supposed</i> to be used--as tools to accomplish other things. Then, when she has to focus on the actual tools themselves, the math and the reading classes, she has a a plethora of meaning-based schemata to work from to help her learn.<br />
Cutting out all these "extra-curriculars" cuts out the opportunities for the child to build truly rich academic skills.<br />
<h3>
B) What should schools do instead?</h3>
This is pretty tough, because schools are stuck following wrong-headed guidelines coming from the Feds. Additionally, with state budgets being slashed left and right, sometimes the art teacher is the first salary to look expendable... This part goes back, again, to my first point about continuing to <b>strike, and demand proper funding</b>. We The People should simply not put up with Ayn Rand-grown zombies trying to destroy our great system of education. Fight back. (Easier said than done, I know, but I'm trying to put this in a nutshell!)<br />
Schools, themselves, meanwhile, need to recognize that the arts, sports, emotional intelligence programs, project-based learning initiatives, and other programs that aren't so-called "core" are absolutely vital to the proper development of the core learning we claim to want. Fight to keep them, tooth and nail.<br />
<h2>
5) Grade Levels</h2>
This is going to sound weird, maybe, but hear me out. Grade levels are bullsh*t. I don't believe schools should divide kids into "First grade," "Second grade," and so on. <br />
<h3>
A) Why is this bad? </h3>
I'll have a hard time arguing that grade levels are <i>bad</i>, per se, in the sense that my other four points are about morally bad things. It's more like, they are an extremely clumsy tool that misses the mark most of the time, and we could do a lot better for our kids. Not every child develops at the same rate, in the same way, as his peers of the same age. And there's nothing wrong with this. Cognitive diversity is normal and wonderful and healthy! Meeting children where they are is an important component of teaching.<br />
Additionally, children do not benefit from spending most of their time with a crowd of people that are all the same age and maturity level as them. This breeds a lot of unhealthy socio-emotional habits, and is completely unnatural. Older students benefit from de facto mentoring relationships that develop when they spend time with younger students, and younger students benefit from looking up to older ones. Silo-ing children by age is weird, from the perspective of human history.<br />
<h3>
B) What should schools do instead?</h3>
Most schools have already caught on to the concept of differentiated instruction and its wonderful benefits, but differentiated instruction usually only goes so far. We could take the concept a lot further, in ways that nurture and energize our students to achieve thier maximum potentials.<br />
I envision classrooms that are intentionally built with a whole spectrum of ages, from 5 years old to 12 years old, all together. (But no more than 25 students per classroom... ideally, 15-20 students per room.) These classrooms are "home rooms," where the cohorts develop close relationshisp as they work on projects together, with each student contributing to the projects according to their abilities. Then, students leave their home rooms throughout the day to attend classes that are at their level. <br />
Individual subjects would be divided by "levels." For example, take the entire scope of elementary reading curriculum, and divide it into 100 "levels." When a student passes one level, they go to the next one, <b>at the pace comfortable for them</b>. So the same student might go to Reading level 1, Math level 14, Science level 10, and Social Studies level 3, all on the same day. There would be no shaming allowed for a student being at a lower level of something... it would be completely normal, because everyone would do it.<br />
<br />
I have two very bright children, who <i>could</i> be working on course work several "grades" ahead of where they are forced to study right now. I have talked with them about homeschooling, so they could soar to higher academic levels, because it really bugs me that they are stuck studying things that are way too easy for them. Their answers? "I don't want to be different from all the other kids." How sad! If we had schools that allowed and encouraged each child to perform at the levels they are capable of, nobody would be artificially held back due to social pressures.<br />
<h3>
</h3>
<h3>
There are other school habits that bug me, but that's the top 5. </h3>
Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-25103388493339577122017-11-19T19:01:00.003-08:002017-11-19T19:01:45.496-08:00signs and synchronicities and spirituality<div data-contents="true">
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<span data-offset-key="92nn8-0-0"><span data-text="true">You know how there are people who can't wear watches because they always make electronics short out? And people who, when they are upset, start having everything around them suddenly break down? Or those who win drawings/contests all the time? It's like, some people have spiritual gifts or energies that just "attract" certain situations, for whatever reason, and it's usually happening at a completely subconscious level. It's just part of their energy signature, I guess.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="8c49l-0-0"><span data-text="true">I am realizing that some people "manifest" spiritual signs and synchronicities around them all the time, and <b>this doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their spiritual growth, health, or maturity</b>... it's just... part of their energy signature, for whatever reason. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="2lgsm-0-0"><span data-text="true">This is blowing my mind a bit. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="2lgsm-0-0"><span data-text="true"> </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="2lgsm-0-0"><span data-text="true">I imagine it can be confusing for those with the gift/signature/whatever as well.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="ecdr6-0-0"><span data-text="true">I try to walk by the spirit, and I've noticed that when I focus more on that part of my life, I tend to get more signs and synchronicities show up around me. They sort of function as encouragements, in a way, to keep doing what I'm doing. So it seems logical that people who have lots of these signs around them all the time would be more "spiritual," and/or mature, too. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="ecdr6-0-0"><span data-text="true">(Though, I am just realizing as I type this, I'm not sure why those two things --spirituality and maturity-- necessarily have to be conflated!) </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="ecdr6-0-0"><span data-text="true">But I am realizing, based on some recent experiences, that if someone has this energy signature, they would have things like this happen all the time, even if they WERE NOT on the right path of maturity and growth. The signs could actually be a distraction, in that case, because you think you're getting validation for your choices, when you're actually just getting your normal radio static.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="flaos-0-0"><span data-text="true">If I'm honest, sometimes my signs and synchronicites have led me astray. For example, I had a vivid dream once where a doctor's name, hair color, and ethnicity were revealed to me, and the doctor was helping heal me. I had never heard of her before. I googled her and found her...someone waaayyy on the other side of town, and set up a visit... and turns out, she didn't help me or listen to me at all. As another example, I had "signs" that I was "supposed" to marry my abusive ex, even though my physical intuition kicked against it, and the logical "red flags" were there (though, to be fair, I hadn't had any training in detecting patterns of abuse, so I didn't know they were red flags...) </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="flaos-0-0"><span data-text="true">Sometimes the spiritual signs work, but sometimes they don't. Turns out we live in a whirling soup of reality currents that can be maddeningly difficult to make sense of.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="flaos-0-0"><span data-text="true">As another angle to this revelation, it's also interesting to note that you can can have powerful spiritual soul ties with people, but <b>that does not necessarily mean that you have to keep that person in your life, or that that person is a healthy choice for you. </b></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="flaos-0-0"><span data-text="true">I was talking to a friend today, telling her that I was having this budding realization, and the story that brought this to the fore of my attention. Amazingly, my friend had just gotten out of a similar situation, about 2 years ago! Her partner was codependent, domineering, controlling, and dysfunctional, but she also had all kind of spiritual signs and synchronicities occur around her all the time. This was confusing, because it seemed like she ought to be the "right" person, the soul mate, based on all these spiritual things that happened. But she wasn't. At one level, she used the signs as <b>modes of gaining power over others</b>, and at another level, she <b>used the signs to actually <i>distract</i> herself from facing herself and growing in psychological maturity</b>. The signs might convince her that she <i>wasn't</i> walking in her ego, even though she actually was. My friend had to learn to let go of the awe and spectacle of the spiritual signs, and make a decision based on what she knew logically to be TRUE. She shared her struggles, and I related. </span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="flaos-0-0"><span data-text="true">What are the chances? I imagine there aren't a lot of people who have this kind of experience. It was amazing to get that validation today. (Which, I suppose, is a sort of spiritual sign, in itself.)</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="7pupt-0-0"><span data-text="true">I guess the moral of the ramble here, is that it's important to use your other "epistemological modes of understanding" all in conjunction, and not just rely on one. If a decision makes logical sense, and if your "gut" says yes, and if you get spiritual signs and synchronicities, it's probably a good choice. (And even then, it might NOT actually be...) But if any of those pieces are missing, it's not guaranteed you're making a good choice.</span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="7pupt-0-0"><span data-text="true">And another lesson I'm learning is that it's important to assert my will onto my situation, once I've made my decision about what is right and healthy, even if it violates what seem to be spiritual signposts. Those signposts might not actually be correct. Just because something grows in your garden doesn't mean it's supposed to be there. Make a choice, and then be single-minded in that choice. In my case, I will probably have to keep cutting and clearing any spiritual pulls and ties that try to come back into my spirit from this person, until they stop occurring.</span></span></div>
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Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-72357597385810288442017-11-09T20:24:00.002-08:002017-11-09T20:24:57.607-08:00new understandingI have had another loss, and this one should not have hurt, because... we weren't even officially "together" this time. And I saw it coming and knew it was bound to happen. And yet, there was this tiny ray of hope in my heart that maybe it wouldn't happen, maybe things would get better, maybe it would be different this time, against all odds.<br />
<br />
<i>Against all odds. Ha. As if I've ever been <b>lucky</b>!</i><br />
<br />
Anyway, it did hurt. And the biggest part of the pain has been <b>not even knowing why</b> it hurt. It shouldn't have. <i>The story just doesn't make sense.</i> <i>Why do I feel the way I do, for someone so undeserving, for someone who behaved so badly towards me, for someone who is so clearly not a good match?</i> A week ago around the full moon, one of the horoscope writers I enjoy, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/JessicaLanyadoo.Astrology.IntuitiveCounsel/" target="_blank">Jessica Lanyadoo,</a> wrote: <br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Instead of tracking all the ins and outs of your stories, you can actually just let it all go. Stomach the discomfort of the unknown. There’s nothing to figure out; you just need to give it your best." </blockquote>
It was timely advice. I was holding on too tightly to the need to <i>find the story. Make it make sense. Understand.</i> And I couldn't. So I rested and coasted for awhile. Letting myself hurt without knowing why I was hurt. <br />
I even got a very interesting event to underline the message. I woke up the next morning with a huge, weeping wound on my foot, and I have NO idea how it got there.<br />
<br />
(content warning... gross wound picture...)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9PStDTVIS85iFVerfGAQSJX-jGCMueiknp4nsGB13_ucMNvU_LesJ1gS8xjYWnAPe4xxiFaG_0hhUbOdoZflX5BcGCfLCChC8xVB4pvMsUOqxjy8Rjucd6UeouLR-hZwfDDvhD-fUfDc/s1600/foot.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9PStDTVIS85iFVerfGAQSJX-jGCMueiknp4nsGB13_ucMNvU_LesJ1gS8xjYWnAPe4xxiFaG_0hhUbOdoZflX5BcGCfLCChC8xVB4pvMsUOqxjy8Rjucd6UeouLR-hZwfDDvhD-fUfDc/s320/foot.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>This was after a few days of healing. It was worse when it first appeared. I joked that I was starting to get stigmata. Ha ha.</i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
It was like, <b>both the heart and the body have to endure pain without a known source.</b> The only thing I can do is wait for it to heal. And I felt a deep intuition tell me, "when the foot heals, your heart will feel better as well." <br />
OK.<br />
That's the plan? Just wait? and meanwhile... self care as best as possible. OK.<br />
<br />
However, grace came through, thankfully. Last night, while taking a shower that served double purposes of cleansing my physical body (through shampoo and soap) and my energetic body (through Florida water, crushed eggshells, and astral light beams), I suddenly had a revelation. The "story" I was seeking hit me. At least part of it.<br />
<br />
There are always many ways to tell a story, but I suddenly "got" an angle to the story that is helping me make sense of it. It's only part of the story's entirety, of course, but it's my corner on the truth.<br />
<br />
A little over three years ago I moved away from Kansas, hoping for a new start to almost everything. I wanted to make new friends, get better health, develop a new spiritual community, meet a new life partner, start a new job, find a therapist, find a doctor, find an amazing school for the kids, live sustainably, find new ways to make music, and begin the life of impact and purpose and bad-ass evil-fighting I've always desired to live. I hoped to do it all in Phoenix, or at least get a good start.<br />
In the first week of arriving in Phoenix, I met him. And the hopeful process of starting a brand new life, that conformed to my ideals and purpose, began. He helped. He supported as I sought friends, the school, the job, the doctors... with varying degrees of success... He wasn't nearly as supportive as I <i>needed</i> him to be, but it was so much better than nothing. I took what I could get, even though something felt uneasy about him, and I definitely made some huge mistakes. But I was making progress toward my dreams. It was hard, so hard, but I was getting somewhere. And then.<br />
He couldn't.<br />
He wouldn't.<br />
He didn't.<br />
And then he became dangerous. <br />
And I had to cut him off, to protect myself and my children.<br />
<br />
They say that many personality disorders happen because someone's psyche stops developing when a traumatic event happens in childhood. I think something similar happened to me. The breakup was traumatic (for both of us), and I see now that there was some sort of blockage that happened in me at that point. My progress toward my dreams stopped at that point too. Oh, not completely. I guess I did manage to buy a house. But it wasn't the house I really wanted. And anyway, a house is just a thing. The deeper, meaningful items I wanted to do have just gone nowhere. Because I no longer had his help, I had to radically alter my schedule and the activities we could participate in, and that sent us on a trajectory I hadn't wanted to go on, and the chain reaction was one of deep frustration and disappointment.<br />
<br />
<b>My list of things I want today is the same as the list I had when I moved here 3 years ago</b>. I have tried and tried and tried to make progress on them, and... yes, there has been some progress, I can't lie... but the progress has been lackluster at best.<br />
<br />
The intermediary time from his departure to now has been all about blockages, delays, things not being "just right" but having to settle for 20th best, false starts, dead ends. It even manifested in my plants. My pomegranate bush has remained the same size since I bought it almost a year ago, though I planted it properly, and have been feeding and watering it faithfully. The grape vine has remained the same size...same story... I bought two moringa saplings to put in the backyard, last January... Moringa is supposed to be a dramatically fast-growing plant around here, thriving in the desert conditions. People report 20-foot growth in a single year. But these two Moringas <i>just. didn't. grow.</i> They stayed the same height--about 6 inches-- from January through August, when I accidentally let the goats get them. Even the cat we got for my son's birthday last year has not grown much. She still looks like a kitten, even though she's over a year old.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJRljDMwINyfbEpw94fmw6_bpEDNpWoNIJWSsyTWWDQNSfMk8EvLO2hTRbFBUC1bWGMr97XAhlWkrthOaUIe9SF2a5Sf1OPV3wxqJy26_l8a6-X1AHJC2dD8WVQZMUb7mXUB1K6mJmSoI/s1600/2017-07-01+14.52.27.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJRljDMwINyfbEpw94fmw6_bpEDNpWoNIJWSsyTWWDQNSfMk8EvLO2hTRbFBUC1bWGMr97XAhlWkrthOaUIe9SF2a5Sf1OPV3wxqJy26_l8a6-X1AHJC2dD8WVQZMUb7mXUB1K6mJmSoI/s320/2017-07-01+14.52.27.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Kitty's first birthday. That's a tea saucer, not a full sized plate. She should be bigger by now.</i></td></tr>
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<br />
<b>Things are blocked! Not growing normally! Not developing!</b><br />
<br />
The first several months of being rid of him were a relief, since he scared me so much during the break up. But after awhile, I started feeling haunted by him. I think that haunted sensation was due to unconsciously realizing my stuckness, and trying to <b>go back to the point of stuckness</b>, in an effort to unstick it. I think my psyche fixated on him, because <b>he was the focal point of the blockage</b>. <br />
<br />
Why did the breakup hurt? Because I have been unconsciously trying to heal what was broken and stunted, which has affected literally my entire life since it happened, and I'm seeing HIM as the access point, or object, of that healing. <br />
<br />
And of course, I realize that's too much pressure to put on a person. Each of us is responsible for our own healing. I wasn't doing it on purpose, but it was unconsciously creating an unhealthy co-dependent vibe. (He had his own contributions to that vibe as well, though, of course. But I'm talking about my story, which is the only one I have the right to tell.)<br />
<br />
I am not sure if there is more to the story of our connection... Is there a past-life thing? Is it real love, that just can't express properly due to dysfunction? Is there another chapter in the future? (Probably not, realistically.) I have no idea. <br />
But <i>this</i> part of the story makes sense to me, for now. I'm grateful for the insight. It is healing to sit with it, and grieve with purpose, instead of confusion. My foot is scabbing, finally, and I'm sure in another week or two, it'll be completely better, as will my heart.Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-11275291722172452222017-05-24T20:42:00.002-07:002017-05-24T20:42:42.464-07:00heavy heartJust noticed an interesting sensation. I can literally feel the heaviness of my heart. It's like a big sopping water balloon heaving around in my chest. Weird.<br />
<br />
Make it stop, someone make it stop.<br />
<br />
Trying to make it stop is like trying to get to drain the water from the ocean. The suffering is endless, accumulated from hundreds of lifetimes, that I get to process now, but with no point. I measure my days by how many times I cry. Good days are 1-2 times; most days are 4-5. I'm like a blade in a turbine of a hydroelectric dam, spinning round and round, the water will never stop running, will never give me any rest, and I will never see the fruits of my labor.<br />
<br />
So tired of trying to find solutions to these fucking problems. I think I solve a problem, and it comes back in another form. All these feelings are so familiar. None of my cleverness, insightfulness, resourcefulness, sensitivity, or maturity have been able to keep them away. I escape them in one situation only to find them in the next, ambushing me after building up my hopes, in a cruel game of cat and mouse. I have fought with every weapon I know to use, used up every last source of strength. I don't even want to try anymore.Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-46997769533544903222017-05-17T15:46:00.001-07:002017-05-17T15:46:06.360-07:00Discouragement <div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Let's say you're a healthy woman in every way, as far as you can tell, but you can't seem to have a baby. You've had 10 miscarriages and 3 stillbirths (carried fully to term, but the baby was dead when born) in the past 17 years of trying. You've been doing everything right, according to doctors, but the fetuses keep dying. Wouldn't you naturally feel discouraged about the idea of getting pregnant again? You'd consider other options. (Adoption is completely out of the question for this woman for lots of reasons.)</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Ten miscarriages. We're not talking about 2-3 miscarriages. Ten. I'm not just picking that number randomly to make it a nice even number. I counted. </div>
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Three stillbirths. Do you know how traumatic even one is? How hard it is on the body?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Hope is a cruel joke in circumstances like these. If you found out you were pregnant ONCE AGAIN, that old familiar spark of hope would be quickly drowned out with a dry, bitter despair. It didn't work any other time, why would this time be different? Clearly something is wrong, and nobody can fix it. Hope makes things worse. Better not to hope than to have hope make you keep trying and exposing yourself to trauma. Trauma has serious consequences on one's health. So does lack of hope, but not as much effect as trauma does.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Your bullshit happy phrases and cliches trying to get her to hope again are making it worse. You don't know what you're talking about. You aren't her. You haven't walked this path. You are an idiot. Shut up.</div>
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<br /></div>
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This woman's only choices are:</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
<ol>
<li>To stupidly keep trying... Time of death estimate: a few years, from the pain and/or complications of the efforts. Suffering level: high.</li>
<li>To commit suicide... Time of death estimate: soon. Suffering level: moderate.</li>
<li>To struggle through a path that does not involve having her basic need/deep desire for offspring met, but which she compensates around in various unsatisfactory ways. Time of death estimate: 2-3 more decades. Suffering level: moderate.</li>
</ol>
<div>
Best choice is #3. Any reasonable person in the circumstances would say so.</div>
</div>
Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-89695429433913403832017-02-12T19:52:00.001-08:002017-02-12T19:52:22.981-08:00Forgiveness<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
I can't forgive until you see.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Else forgiveness would be unipolar and insular.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Awareness births acceptance, which births healing, which ripples across reality in waves.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
But when the dream rules all the senses, awareness cannot happen.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Sleepwalking, you injured me, and even when I screamed you heard only the music of your mind.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
I can't be yours until you are your own.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Not ruled by shadows, ghosts, or fragments of unprocessed lower natures, but by Self-- awake in love, power, and wisdom.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
The wound seeks the hand that created it, or similar hands, in an effort to mend the timeline and the continuum of meaning, with armies of thoughts like white blood cells, reaching backward across dimensions and forward through mirrors and around through telephone lines.</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Forgiveness is a miracle that weaves legions of elements into a dense cocoon, from which, if we are lucky, new life emerges. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
The flap of the butterfly's wing doesn't change everything; it testifies to the change that has already happened</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
...which is the same thing...</div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
It is the simplest thing in the universe, only possible because the most difficult has been labored through.</div>
Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-10117187112774229762017-01-27T22:40:00.000-08:002017-01-27T22:40:56.394-08:00feverish rantI'm sick and alone and feel like ranting. Brain is not functioning well right now, due to a fever, so I'll probably regret this when I'm more lucid.<br />
<br />
You're still stalking me; I can feel it. It's not a physical or a virtual stalking anymore (I hope), but you're still there. You sent your light body to me once when we were together. At that time I was able to barely catch a glimpse of it, and it scared the crap out of me. (I "saw" more things during those days, than I have before or since. Your physical presence had some kind of effect on me… What were you shedding?) (I'm also fully convinced that your estimation of your abilities exceeded your actual abilities.) But anyway, I wonder how often you've sent your light body (or tried to) since the breakup, and maybe I just haven't been able to perceive it. But anyway, even though I can't see it anymore, I still know you're doing it. Or you're doing something, at least. Whether you're doing it consciously or unconsciously, I don't know, but something's pulling on me.<br />
<br />
Dammit, it's annoying.<br />
Do you know what love is? You must know somewhere deep down, that if you really loved me you would --at very least-- not want me to suffer. Love doesn't hurt its beloved. How about respect, do you know what respect is? Have you figured this out in all your wanderings yet? What's your real motivation, here, have you stopped to look at that? Do you think you're sending out your stalker vibes <i>for my good</i>, have you really managed to convince yourself of that? Or are you, perhaps, still trying to get your mommy fix? <br />
Or maybe it's revenge? Revenge. How small. Are you any better than the God of the Old Testament, oh gnostic one?<br />
<br />
OK, now that I've gotten that off my chest…<br />
<br />
I realized something awhile ago, which I can't believe I missed during those months. I was so focused on the Libra moon activating my Mars-square-Sun, I missed the simple fact that it is, first, a Libra moon. Libra moons don't want to get all mushy and intense and deep and passionate. <i>Tears ruin your make up, darling. Keep things pleasant and lovely and balanced, that's the way, dear. </i><br />
<br />
I'm sorry. I somehow overlooked that. My insistence on emotional intensity must have made you incredibly uncomfortable. My Pisces moon ruled by Jupiter in Scorpio likes to <i>feel</i>. I ache, and weep, and writhe, and grind, and dive, and gasp at the dramatic, spiritual twists and turns of the motivations behind all those emotions. <i>Lovely and balanced? Pssshhhh. Step into my fractal.</i><br />
<br />
There's a reason inconjunct signs are considered quite difficult to merge. I feel I owe you an apology for that part. I didn't recogize or nurture that part of you. My triggered Mars-in-fall was too busy feeling irritated. <i>I don't even fucking wear make up, you sparkly bastard!</i> <br />
<br />
But! Of course, there's definitely a place for peace and loveliness, and Libra moons are gifts to the world. It's a wonderful skill, to be able to create that space where we can all take a breath and get some perspective. We need Libra moons. I need Libra moons. I'm sorry I didn't bring this into my consciousness during that time.<br />
<br />
Of course, there are so many things that could be said about that time, so many questions to be asked. So. many. Huge cans of worms. I can't run everything through astrology; I believe in letting our forebrains rule us. It was so dysfunctional in so many ways. It still makes me sad, the potential, though… But maybe that's just because you're still pulling on me. Maybe if you'd stop, I'd stop suffering. <br />
<br />
I've started watching <i>X-Files</i>. The original series, not the new ones. They remind me of you, all your conspiracy theories and stuff. Can you believe I never saw the show? Maybe you forgot I grew up under a rock. Anyway, a friend said it's a classic show and I'd like it. And I do… but the episodes are so scary, too! I might have to take a break, because it's getting hard to fall asleep. I wish I had someone to cuddle with while watching, to absorb the fright. I wish I had someone who would listen to me as I point out all the plot holes (every show has at least one!), and who could help me sort out truth from fiction and tell me stories about sociopathic bureaucrats in past lives. Who could work with me to imagine alternative storylines that don't have the plot holes, who could reassure me that I'm safe and the aliens aren't going to come get me, who could help balance me back out so i could get some sleep and not be scared. <br />
<br />
I guess that someone would have to not have addiction problems, first of all, that's a good starting point. I should've checked for that before jumping in. Live and learn. Oh, and lying is a deal breaker too.<br />
But oops, there go those worms, peeking out of that can…<br />
<br />
Even if by some miracle you read this, I'm sure you won't listen to it. Listening was never your strong suit. Too busy creating your own alternative reality and responding to that instead of the real world. Was I just a prop on that alternate-reality stage of yours? <br />
It's SO… <br />
not nice… <br />
when props start having minds of their own and saying things off-script, I'm sure, darling. Don't you <i>hate</i> it when that happens? Damned autonomy and shit. Crazy thing is, you didn't even seem to know you were on a stage; you believed your own delusions. <br />
Oops, more worms, sorry.<br />
<br />
I hope you're OK. Why I rant now, I don't know, except that I've been feeling you try to pull on me at that invisible, deep level of existence. <br />
Why do I hope you're OK? Do I care about you? Yes, I care about you, and I didn't want things to turn out the way they did.<br />
<br />
I wonder if you'll <i>ever</i> own your part in it.<br />
<br />
I want you to be OK. I want everyone to be OK, and I hate being part of someone's not being OK, even if that someone made all the self-destructive choices to get to that state of not being OK. But I can't and won't take responsibility for your choices. I have to hold that tension of caring for you but not being responsible for you. Hard for someone with such strong Cancer and Pisces. But I think I got this. I just wish I didn't still feel that niggling something down in my bones. Call off the dogs, don't be a jerk, and take responsibility for your own life. I was only reacting to you; own that. <br />
<br />
You know, there's a Venus Rx coming up. They tend to affect me, since i have natal Venus Rx. This one will be a doozy, because at the end of the Rx period, Venus will station direct one degree away from my Moon. Meanwhile, my progressed Mercury is conjunct natal Venus, and progressed Venus is conjunct natal Mercury. Woot. I don't know what's going to happen that day, but I've circled the date on my calendar.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'll meet someone. Or maybe I'll turn on Skype and you'll be there. I don't know. I wouldn't call the cops or anything. Believe it or not, I haven't found anyone while you were gone. A few dates, nothing even remotely promising. I'm back to my typical pattern of life being a big zero in the relationships department.<br />
<br />
All your elaborate ideas about how I cheated on you were <i>completely</i> fabricated in your own brain. When I left you, I <i>knew</i> I was stepping back into lonely land, and that's where I've been ever since. It's the worst feeling in the world, loneliness, but I chose it knowingly, sadly, with dread… because of how you were treating me, and the unacceptable risk you were putting my children into. Losing you cost me more than just 1300 dollars, you know. There were other losses too, which I won't detail here; a list of losses. I don't think you appreciate that. You never bothered to step into my shoes. But there were a lot of losses, that hurt. That's how adamant I was, that's how bad I felt the situation was.<br />
<br />
Maybe I'm ranting now because the part of me that wants <i>closure</i> wants to know if you ever were able to look into the mirror and see what you did, or if you are still living in an alternative reality in which you were totally right, and I'm a monster. It would be nice to know if you've ever been able to face that, I guess, to have my sanity and morality vindicated. But I suppose, watching the <i>Xfiles</i> is training my brain to be less needy for closure. Most of the episodes close with unanswered questions and mysteries that will never be fully solved. Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-88838253477974989822017-01-24T22:20:00.000-08:002017-01-27T22:21:11.371-08:00Accepting and loving myself<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: 17px;">I strive to love myself, and most days I do. I love my unique blend of abilities to think, to feel, to intuit, to attract, to act, and to control. </span><br />
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
Think. Feel. Intuit. Attract. Act. Control. </div>
<div style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;">
These are all vital functions of the psyche. I could wish for a little more in the intuition and attraction departments, but mostly, I am grateful. Everyone is unique, and everyone has a place in the world. I like how I was made. If anyone tries to change me, I react with scorn and indignation. I am grateful for who I am!<br />
<div>
<br />
<div>
I do wish I were better at releasing the right functions at the right time. Sometimes I Think when I should be Feeling, or Act when I should be Intuiting, and so on. But... I suppose... Who's in charge of "should"? It's a matter of using the function at the right time that gets a result that makes me happy, ultimately. But I am not very good at judging which is the right one for the situation, nor of controlling which one rises up, when. It's like each function has a mind of its own and rises up when it wants to. It often produces awkward moments, where I feel out of place with the world, unsure of myself and unhappy with the results. But even this awkwardness, <i>if it is what it is,</i> is how I was made, and I should love it. I'm doing me. And I'm trying to love it. Maybe I will get more skilled in regulating and controlling all of these functions as I grow older and keep trying.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The function I have been pondering a lot lately is the Thinking function. It might be my strongest one. It's my default. I am very conscientious--I have a very strong sense of "should," and always strive for what is "right." I have a firm grasp on reality, and a head for logic. I am critical and skeptical. I love this about myself. It keeps me honest, open minded, realistic, consistent, and accurate. It sometimes paralyzes me in over-analysis, which can be annoying. And it sometimes leads me to self-judgement and harshness, which sometimes leaks out onto others as well. If people only knew-- as judgmental as I can be of others, I'm 100 times more so with myself. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So, <i>obviously</i>, this trait can be dysfunctional, but it has a lot of strengths, too. I am an excellent editor. I can figure things out. I can create structures and systems that work flawlessly. I can see through bullshit. I can discuss intellectual ideas. </div>
<div>
To love my strengths is to remove the poison from them, preventing them from becoming weaknesses. Right? So the theory goes; we shall see. Loving myself. It's no small thing. Because despite how hard I've tried, my life hasn't been what I wanted.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
I do hope I can do better than I have in the past to make the most use out of how I was made. Looking back, I think I have wasted a lot of what I was given, even though I always tried so hard. But I can't change that. Only now counts. I hope I can learn to be as grateful for my past as I am for the present and for my potentials. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is why I react so strongly against someone trying to change me, even slightly. Nobody has the right to control me, and nobody has the capability of, or motivation for, scrutinizing my life as I, myself, already do. Nobody could be more serious about improving my life than I already am, and nobody understands the long string of circumstances and choices that brought me to where I am. Nobody knows more deeply than I do, that in each circumstance that arose in my life, I tried my absolute hardest to do what was right. For anyone to presume that they know better, that they can take over my ability to think, is highly insulting. Maybe I overreact a bit when it happens, I don't know...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I struggle with the fact that I struggle. It's a weird tension between loving what is and working for making things better. If I love what is, what motivation do I have to notice injustice, dysfunction, imbalance, and suffering, and to use my gifts to alleviate those things? How do I find the resolution between these two things--resting in what is and working towards what should be? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then, how can I both love myself and come to terms with the fact that "me-doing-me" sometimes leads to mistakes, pain, suffering, and injustice? When I am harsh with myself, I know that is violence and ingratitude, but maybe me being harsh with myself is also part of who I am. Why would I shut down part of who I am, if I am supposed to love who I am? How do I resolve this, grow through it, and hold on to love?</div>
</div>
</div>
Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-49304438487795850562016-12-31T23:00:00.001-08:002016-12-31T23:00:55.122-08:00Flashes of grace"Suddenly it hit me, what these men were doing," my aunt explained. "I stood up, walked out of that room, and told myself that I'd <i>never</i> go back again, and boom, that was it. I never did. It was so easy."<br />
<br />
My aunt spent years in a large, well-known cult. She left a few times, but always felt guilty, due to the brainwashing she had gone through, and went back to them. I was talking with her the other day, and she was explaining how she finally was able to break free. She had spent a couple years of independence from the cult, but felt guilty and contacted the leaders of her particular church again to ask about rejoining. These men told her she had to come in and be interviewed by them, to see if she was worthy and had repented adequately, to be allowed back into the fold. They interrogated her for over two hours, asking her about every detail of what she had done while she was away from them. They were especially interested in her sex life, asking for minute details on every move. <br />
<br />
At first, she was ashamed and so desperate for their approval (which they had managed to conflate with the approval of God), she gave them everything they asked for. But at some point at near the end of the conversation, for reasons mysterious even to her, she suddenly just <i>saw</i> what was going on. She saw the reality of the spiritual and emotional abuse, and she saw the greed, lust, and authoritarianism of the men who were trying to control her. Boom. The revelation hit her with such force, it filled her with the strength to do what she had not been able to do before--leave the church forever. It was so easy, once she had that revelation. But she didn't work for it or try to make it happen. Her intent originally was actually to <i>go back</i> to the church. But suddenly -- boom -- awakening. Where did this come from? <br />
<br />
Let's call it grace. (Kind of a funny term for this story, since my aunt is an atheist now, and the term "grace" is usually assumed as coming from God. Funny!)<br />
<br />I had a similar experience, but on a much smaller scale. I bought my first car when I was 16, and it was a beater. There were always things breaking down on it, and my parents were the type to make me pay for my own expenses (which I think is a great lesson and plan to raise my kids the same way). Money was always tight, though. Eventually i developed a pretty strong anxiety about the car and especially the money around the car. I had several quite large (for me) car repair expenses pop up over the course of my high school and college years, and they were hard for me to deal with. I bought books about car repair, to try to assuage my anxiety, so that I could feel like I knew what the mechanics were talking about and that I wouldn't be taken advantage of.<br />
<br />
There was one time, I think it was shortly after I graduated college, when I got news of a car repair needed, and I was worried about how I was going to pay for it. I was driving down the road, worrying, trying not to worry, trying to think, trying to pray, when suddenly out of nowhere--boom-- an incredible peace. It was like a voice filled my entire body and mind, "<b>Don't worry about the car. It's going to be fine, and you'll always be able to afford it</b>." It was like a huge weight on my shoulders just dissolved, and I knew everything was going to work out. The anxiety was completely gone.<br />
<br />
Ever since then, I haven't had anxiety around my car issues. Things come up, and I'm able to handle them. Not always easily, of course. Large repairs have still come up to be dealt with. Decisions have to be made. Insurance is a convoluted mess. I have duct tape holding my rear bumper on at the moment. But I'm just not <i>worried</i> about it. I'm able to achieve the right balance of spending the cognitive effort required to handle car issues, without falling into anxiety. <br />
<br />
The thing is, I totally can't take credit for this, except that I'm a responsible adult who does adult things like buying insurance and maintaining a car. I mean the anxiety part. The release from <i>that</i> was just <i>plopped</i> into my lap out of nowhere. Boom. Gone. "<i>Don't worry about the car</i>," and I never did ever again. I didn't have to <i>try</i> not to worry. I didn't go through any kinds of rituals to release the worry or cope with it better. I just <i>didn't worry</i> about it anymore. It was 100% a gift. From where? Who can say? Grace.<br />
<br />
I'm grateful for this. There have been a few other flashes of grace I've experienced, including a physical healing, and they are amazing when they happen. I know several other stories of other people experiencing these powerful flashes of grace, and they are inspiring to hear.<br />
<br />
But I also find them problematic as well. Why are they so rare? Why do we have to struggle with so many things, while others are just handed to us? Why do some people experience more grace than others? Is there actually a formula to these flashes, that we all just accidentally used without knowing it... Could we find a way to force them to happen? What's going on?<br />
<br />
If grace were coming from an intelligent consciousness of some kind, that consciousness would have to be an evil one, like an abusive parent or partner. The vast majority of people who commit emotional abuse are not awful and cruel 100% of the time. It is actually more cruel to be <i>sometimes</i> kind and warm, and other times terrible, because it confuses the victim and takes away more of their power. If you're horrible all the time, people can predict what's going to happen, and have a measure of control over their lives. It's much worse to be cruel only some of the time, and make those times random.<br />
A consciousness powerful enough to provide support and relief for life's problems, but only does it some of the time, is not a good one. Aaaannnnd, we're getting into theodicy again... <br />
<br />
Back to grace. What's going on? Is it something related to alternate universes and boundaries on how far alternate realities are allowed to branch out? Alignment of the stars? A higher self or unconscious deep mind? Wouldn't it be great to know?Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-31111201663298619952016-09-21T23:32:00.000-07:002016-09-22T21:04:44.968-07:00exhaustionI finally unenrolled myself from a couple online mom-forums I've been part of for awhile. I decided I couldn't take it anymore. There were many interesting and rewarding conversations along the way, but I think I'm done now. There are recurring themes that get posted so often that really stress me out, and I'm tired of reading them.<br />
<br />
Things like:<br />
<ul>
<li>OMG look at this pee stick. Am I pregnant???? (<i>You'll know for sure in a couple weeks. Like, it'll be obvious. You'll have no doubts. Chill the hell out.</i>)</li>
<li>Is there a good, part-time work-from-home job I can get that isn't MLM or a scam, and doesn't require me to have a degree? (<i>Nope.</i>)</li>
<li>I really want another baby! I'm getting baby fever! (<i>My god. Weren't you just here complaining about how tight money is, like yesterday? So irresponsible to bring a child into the world if you can't afford to care for it.</i>)</li>
<li>Oh golly gosh gee, I accidentally got pregnant, and we can't afford it. How am I going to tell my husband, and what are we going to do? (<i>Um, get an abortion if you don't want to be pregnant. Take control over your life, ffs.</i>)</li>
<li>What should we name our baby? (<i>What names do YOU like? Why do you think random strangers on the internet should fucking name your child?</i>) </li>
</ul>
I don't usually post these responses, because, well, they are considered abrasive. (I actually like to troll the "name" posts by offering ideas like "name him Bratwurst! Or I love the name Beelzebub!") But god, I THINK them, ha ha. And I'm tired of thinking them and getting mad at people for being dumb, or refusing to take power over their lives, or refusing to think for themselves. But the one that really makes me furious, and which comes up almost daily is some long, rambling, frustrated narrative that basically boils down to this:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>I'm so exhausted.</b></span><br />
<br />
I'm not mad that women are exhausted! Far from it. I'm mad because the vast majority of the time, these women have husbands or boyfriends they are living with. And when you bring up the question of "why doesn't your partner help out with chores / parenting / home management / stress?" there's always some explanation. Some of the time these women make excuses for the men, but most of the time they are angry with them but end up saying, "what can I do? He just doesn't get it."<br />
<br />
Oh, this pisses me off. So much.<br />
<br />
<b>What can you do? Woman! Where is your warrior spirit? Where is your dignity? Where is your self esteem?</b><br />
<br />
Listen, it really is as simple as this:<br />
<br />
<b>If you are exhausted, and your partner isn't exhausted right along with you, it means he doesn't love you. </b>(In <i>most</i> cases. I know-- there are cases where he's deployed or works away from home, or she has some kind of chronic illness, etc. But the vast majority of the time, he's just choosing not to pull his weight.) <b> And if he doesn't love you, why the hell are you with him? </b><br />
<br />
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<br />
Love has many definitions, but all of them include at least <b>the general desire for the well-being of the beloved. </b>And exhaustion is the <i>opposite</i> of well-being. Especially chronic exhaustion.<b> </b>Exhaustion erodes your mental health, it erodes your physical health, it erodes your ability to connect with who you are and why you are alive. Exhaustion is not something to take lightly. If your partner is reporting being exhausted, you should be very concerned! You should be right next to her asking, "how can I help make this better? What needs to be done?" You should be working yourself until you are as exhausted as she is, or finding a way to reduce her load so she isn't exhausted anymore. That's what it means to love someone. To care for their fundamental well-being. If that's not happening, that's not love. It's possession, or lust, or something else. It's not love.<br />
<br />
I really don't understand why the idea that men should share equally in the parenting and household responsibilities is so goddamn controversial. (I mean, I do, because I was raised religious, but ... if you think about it, it's so fucking illogical!) I don't understand why people make excuses for this behavior or throw their hands up and say they can't do anything to change their man's mind. How about discussing it thoroughly with him to explain how unfair it is and how exhausted you are, and trying to come up with a plan? Like, each of you has an equal number of chores you're responsible for. Or each of you works on chores for an hour per day, and you trade days where you cook dinner. Or, or... There are plenty of fair arrangements that can be made. If discussing it doesn't work, your relationship is really screwed... because it means he doesn't listen and doesn't care how you feel. But you could always try ultimatums, I suppose. Or, since he's acting like a child, treat him like one and don't give him dinner if he doesn't do his goddamn chores. And if none of that works, you should make a plan... and you should leave him. I know it's complicated to leave, and I'm not making light of that, but that's really what you should do, woman.<br />
<br />
I'm a single mom, and yes, being single sucks in many ways. The loneliness sucks, the lack of support sucks, the vulnerability sucks. But at the end of the day, I have my dignity, my self-respect, and my integrity. Quantitatively it might seem better to "settle" and have at least some support with life stuff than to have none. But qualitatively, it's better not to settle. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I stood up for myself and refused to be made a doormat. If I'm exhausted, and I am often, at least I don't have added to my already heavy burden, the rage of looking over at a "partner" who is sitting there NOT exhausted, and feeling how unjust it is.<br />
<br />
This opinion seems to be controversial, for some reason, judging from how people react when I post things like this. It just seems logical to me. So I'm not going to raise my blood pressure any more by exposing myself to these posts on a regular basis. I'll go on living my awesome, exciting life, mom-forum-free. Let me know if you want my opinion.Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-79443554246165602372016-08-16T22:21:00.001-07:002016-09-22T20:59:51.030-07:00My friend ChuckI just got the news that my friend Chuck committed suicide. This is a truly tragic loss. I am in shock and grieving.<br />
<br />
Part of the grieving process is feeling guilty. I knew he was going through a difficult time, but I wasn't as available as I should have been and wanted to be. I spoke to him a couple months ago, and meant to stay in touch. I thought of him several times the past few weeks, and intended to call, but I didn't call. Why didn't I call? I let my own worries and life distractions prevent me from calling. I wish I had called. It might have prevented it, it might not have, but at least he would have known, in his last moments, that I cared about him.<br />
<br />
Part of the grieving process is anger. But it's mostly anger at the systems and the people who tormented him and drove him to take this final action. His wife for being really nasty in the divorce process and alienating him from his kids, who were his life's joy. The legal system that makes divorce 100 times harder than it should be and allows people to torment other people. Our fake, materialistic culture that punishes creative and moral souls while rewarding those who are shallow and egotistical. Our mental health system for over-relying on drugs and profit while neglecting the human and compassionate approaches to treatment. The American economy that doesn't look out for the weak or for people down on their luck. The American Evangelical Christian culture of judgmentalism and brainwashing, creating presumed insiders and outsiders to God's love. (I shudder to think what those horrible, evil church people are telling his beautiful children. "Because your daddy didn't accept Jesus in his heart, he is now burning in hell!" Those idiotic, narrow-minded, nasty, brainwashed people! They have absolutely zero concept of true spirituality or the nature of God!) I know Chuck made a choice, and the ultimate responsibility is on him. I'm sure he regrets it now. But I'm not angry at <i>him</i>. He had a terrible moment of weakness. I'm angry at everything that drove him to feeling that he couldn't cope anymore.<br />
<br />
I'm also a wee bit jealous, to be honest. His suffering and struggles are over. He can find peace now. I know it's terrible to say it, because this means his adorable children will suffer horrifically from losing him. There's nothing that will make that easier or better or right. But as far as Chuck is concerned, he is in a better place. He doesn't have to struggle to find money, to find shelter, to shush the voices tormenting his mind, to worry about the legal strategies for getting to see his kids again, to worry about pleasing a boss or clients, or worry about anything else.<br />
<br />
I can't afford to travel to Chicago to attend his funeral, and I'm feeling helpless to do anything to alleviate the situation. I don't know his family or most of his friends to be able to commiserate. Chuck and I met through the online Atheism for Lent course, and have been good, distant, online friends ever since, but our daily-life circles didn't cross. I don't have money to contribute to the gofundme account for his children. I can't do anything.<br />
<br />
I can't do anything, but I can honor the person he was, at least in my own small way.<br />
<br />
I knew him as a truly good man. He was a devoted and caring father, and a survivor who overcame horrors most of us would be decimated by. Despite all the difficulties in his life, his intelligence, creativity, wit, and profound morality shone through. He was wise and self-aware. He had not only a deep mental intelligence, but keen emotional intelligence as well. He was not afraid to express his feelings, which is a rare trait for a man in today's world.<br />
<br />
Physically, he was gentle and unimposing in appearance. But mentally he was formidable. His knowledge on a host of subjects was vast, and his ability to navigate complicated philosophical subjects with deft ease was simply amazing. I looked up to his intelligence, and greatly admired his ability to express it. And yet, unlike many whose intelligence is far to the right on the bell curve, he was compassionate and never arrogant. He would put you in your place if you needed it, but he never did so just to feel superior or to boost his ego. He cared about truth and beauty and morality and experience, and was never shallow enough to play any kind of ego games.<br />
<br />
Chuck also had great insight into the human psyche. He was a playwright, and his plays he gave me the honor of reading explored tapestries of emotions without ever approaching either melodrama or kitsch. He practiced meditation and non-judgmental, body-based emotional processing, and was not afraid to share his feelings openly with his friends.<br />
<br />
The world is truly a worse-off place without Chuck to brighten it. I miss him, and wish I could have at least said good-bye.Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-84729958218228166692016-08-07T14:08:00.002-07:002016-08-10T08:26:46.263-07:00Calculations34, 14, 1800, 2<br />
Maybe these numbers mean nothing to you<br />
The hairs on our heads are all numbered, 9, 3<br />
Etched in my heart for eternitySleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-40814008976048997592016-07-09T21:42:00.002-07:002016-08-08T19:01:30.019-07:00The exchangeI asked God for a job<br />
So I could feed my children<br />
And God said, "Granted.<br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
But in return, I will take away your ability to cook and bake<br />
Deliciously.<br />
Your gravy will be lumpy, your meat will be tough,<br />
Your cookies will be burned on the edges,<br />
And your pasta will cleave."<br />
Then God turned into a coyote, howled at the moon, and disappeared.<br />
And I was grateful.</div>
Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-11619757498030378442016-06-19T23:46:00.002-07:002016-06-19T23:55:46.189-07:00Did the ancients understand precession sooner than we think they did?<i><b>Happy Summer Solstice! </b></i><br />
<br />
Quite by accident, yesterday I began thinking about a topic that turned out to be very timely to the subject of the solstice. Here was my train of thought:<br />
<ul>
<li>For some reason, a reference to a lion reminded me of learning, in a Bible survey class I took in high school, about the Four Evangelists (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) being prophesied in the Book of Ezekiel, and reflected in the Book of Revelation.</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I hadn't thought about Biblical prophecy in a long time, and I was interested in re-examining this particular prophecy with fresh eyes. </li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li>I quickly decided that the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Evangelists" target="_blank">Church's superimposition of the four Gospels onto these visions</a> was irrelevant and colonial, but I was still fascinated by the original visions, because the beings referenced made sense to me in a different way than I had ever considered when I identified as a Christian. </li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
</ul>
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<a href="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F_KRPooAKd33I%2FS-HK0hOFmUI%2FAAAAAAAAAQk%2FFuCuP0GLkyk%2Fs1600%2FEzekiel%2527s%2BWheel.JPG&f=1" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F_KRPooAKd33I%2FS-HK0hOFmUI%2FAAAAAAAAAQk%2FFuCuP0GLkyk%2Fs1600%2FEzekiel%2527s%2BWheel.JPG&f=1" width="298" /></a></div>
<div class="" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><a href="http://butlerstudios.blogspot.com/2010/05/ezekiels-wheel-icon.html" target="_blank"><br />http://butlerstudios.blogspot.com/2010/05/ezekiels-wheel-icon.html</a></i></span></div>
Here is the prophecy from Ezekiel chapter 1 (KJV, emphasis mine):<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="text Ezek-1-4" id="en-KJV-20469"><sup class="versenum">4 </sup>And
I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great
cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and
out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the
fire.</span><br />
<span class="text Ezek-1-5" id="en-KJV-20470"><sup class="versenum">5 </sup>Also
out of the midst thereof came the likeness of <b>four living creatures</b>.
And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.</span><br />
<span class="text Ezek-1-6" id="en-KJV-20471"><sup class="versenum">6 </sup>And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.</span><br />
...<span class="text Ezek-1-10" id="en-KJV-20475"><sup class="versenum"></sup></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="text Ezek-1-10" id="en-KJV-20475"><sup class="versenum">10 </sup><b>As
for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and
the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an
ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.</b></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
...<span class="text Ezek-1-26" id="en-KJV-20491"><sup class="versenum"></sup></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="text Ezek-1-26" id="en-KJV-20491"><sup class="versenum">26 </sup>And
<b> above the firmament that was over their heads was the likeness of a
throne</b>, as the appearance of a sapphire stone: and upon the likeness of
the throne was the likeness as the appearance of a man above upon it.</span> <span class="text Ezek-1-27" id="en-KJV-20492"></span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
... </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="text Ezek-1-27" id="en-KJV-20492"></span><br />
<span class="text Ezek-1-28" id="en-KJV-20493"><sup class="versenum">28 </sup>As
the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud in the day of rain, so
was the appearance of the brightness round about. This was the
appearance of the likeness of the glory of the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>. </span></blockquote>
Clearly, Ezekiel was viewing extra-dimensional beings. (Wonder what drug he was taking!) Let's compare this with the vision of John the Beloved, in Revelation 4 (KJV, emphasis mine)<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span class="text Rev-4-6" id="en-KJV-30775"><sup class="versenum">6 </sup>And
before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in
the midst of the throne, and round about the <b>throne</b>, were four beasts
full of eyes before and behind.</span><br />
<span class="text Rev-4-7" id="en-KJV-30776"><sup class="versenum">7 </sup><b>And
the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and
the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a
flying eagle.</b></span><br />
<span class="text Rev-4-8" id="en-KJV-30777"><sup class="versenum">8 </sup>And
the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were
full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy,
holy, holy, <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.</span><br />
<span class="text Rev-4-9" id="en-KJV-30778"><sup class="versenum">9 </sup>And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, <b>who liveth for ever and ever</b>...</span></blockquote>
The same animals appear in both visions, though in slightly different forms. The animals are also relating to the Throne of God in both visions. The Book of Ezekiel is said to have been written in 593-571 BCE, while the prophet was in exile in Bablyon. (The exile period proved to be extremely influential on Jewish literature, culture, and theology, as any historian who's even cursorily studied the subject knows.) The Book of Revelation was probably written somewhere around 85 CE.<br />
<br />
I can't explain most of the content of those visions, but I think I do understand one thing. It's difficult to understand today how these four beings: <i>Ox, Lion, Eagle, and Man</i> could be very much <b>meaningfully related</b>, but that's because astrology is no longer common knowledge. Any ancient mystic would understand it. These animals are four signs in the zodiac, and they are related by 90º angles to each other.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>*the sign of Scorpio is sometimes interpreted as a scorpion, sometimes as a dragon or serpent, and sometimes as an eagle, depending on which tradition is talking.</i></span><br />
<br />
The symbolism of the signs of the zodiac are extremely ancient. These four beasts in both visions just simply can't NOT be astrological in connotation. <br />
<br />
In Hellenistic astrology, which would be developed about 400 years after Ezekiel's vision, they codified these four signs as related by the <i>fixed mode</i>. (The two other modes are <i>cardinal</i> and <i>mutable</i>.) Now, the first question I asked myself is why these four signs would be so important in a prophetic vision about the glory of the Lord. The Cardinal mode signs would make more sense. Cardinal signs mark the beginning of each season; they initiate and create. While fixed signs maintain the seasons once established, and Mutable signs start closing things down to get ready for the next season, it's the Cardinal signs that witness the major turning points of the earth's cycle each year. All signs are equally important, but many major religious traditions place their sacred holidays around the times of the seasonal changes — the equinoxes and solstices — which are defined by the Cardinal signs. If anything were to symbolize the power of God, it seems like Cardinal signs would make more sense. It was puzzling to me.<br />
<br />
Then I remembered precession. Aha!<br />
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Western astrology begins the sign of Aries with the spring equinox each year. However, the actual constellation rising in the sky at the time of the equinox is no longer the sign of Aries; it is Pisces. This is due to the phenomenon of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axial_precession" target="_blank">axial precession</a>. This phenomenon causes the positions of the zodiacal signs to shift by one degree about every 71.6 years.<br />
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Astronomers and astrologers have known about precession for centuries. Its discovery is attributed in the West to Hipparchus, who lived in the 2nd century BCE (about 400 years later than Ezekiel, but 200 years earlier than John the Beloved), though Indian Vedic astrologers may have known about precession as early as 700 BCE. At the time of Hipparchus, the sign of Aries <i>did</i> rise in the sky at the time of the vernal equinox, but it would not always be so. Western astrology made the conscious choice to base their astrology on the <i>tropical</i> (season-based) year, not the <i>sidereal </i>(star-based) year. Thus, in the system of Vedic astrology, which is sidereal, the signs are now about 23 degrees different than the signs in Western astrology.<br />
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The sign of Aries marked the vernal equinox for a few thousand years. Then the equinox point moved into the area of sky dominated by Pisces (though Westerners still called the vernal equinox Aries, because they'd decided to use a tropical system, remember). Here's a chart showing how the vernal equinox point has changed through history. The numbers are years, BCE and CE. See how we're getting close to the end of Pisces, and you know what that means... (Insert <i>Hair</i> reference here, of course... with much eye-rolling...)<br />
<a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Equinox_path.png#/media/File:Equinox_path.png"><img alt="Equinox path.png" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/bd/Equinox_path.png" /></a><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>By <a href="https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Dbachmann" title="User:Dbachmann">Dbachmann</a> - <span class="int-own-work" lang="en" xml:lang="en">Own work</span>, <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/" title="Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0">CC BY-SA 3.0</a>, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=6394235</i></span><br />
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Taurus isn't labeled in the above chart. It's the constellation mostly below the ecliptic, that has Aldebaran in the center.<br />
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Figuring out <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astrological_age" target="_blank">when to declare a change in ruling sign of the vernal equinox is complicated and hotly debated.</a> But there are definitely periods where it's very clearly one sign or the other.<br />
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Here's my hypothesis: What if Ezekiel and John understood precession? Or, at least, some simplified form of it via the understanding that the vernal equinox point (the start of the new year) gradually changed signs over the period of thousands of years? <a href="http://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/history-of-the-world/" target="_blank">According to a second century CE Jewish scholar, <b>the date of creation is about 3761 BCE</b></a>. Perhaps other Jewish astronomers along the way before him arrived at a similar calculation. If so, the vernal equinox point would have probably been in Taurus at that point (though it depends how you divide the sky. As I said, there is a lot of dispute over how to do this.)<br />
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If the Jews did, indeed, calculate the beginning of creation at some point when the vernal equinox was in Taurus --and I know this is a lot of "ifs"-- that would mean that <b>Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius were the equinox and solstice signs </b><b>at the year of creation</b>. Thus, these four animals -- the ox, the lion, the eagle, and the man-- would have sacred significance as the witnesses of creation. They were the initial guardians of the changes in seasons. They were the original markers of the most sacred points in the year. They were the midwives of God's original intentions when she birthed this vast world. Thus... it is significant that these four beasts support God's throne in both mystical visions listed above. <b>Referencing them in one's literature would be calling on the ancient knowledge of God as the one who is before all of history</b>, existing in eternity, and the one who set the great wheels of time spinning, who holds the seasons together, and, <b>therefore, who has authority over all of time and space.</b><br />
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Perhaps more interesting to modern minds, if my hypothesis is correct, this could mean that the ancients had some kind of understanding of precession at least 400 years before we think they did. That would be pretty amazing if it were true.<br />
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<i><b>Happy solstice!!</b></i> Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-63239749720157858622016-05-16T23:33:00.000-07:002016-05-16T23:35:08.135-07:00To Brigid, Part 1<i>Inspired by the goddess of loving mystery, in whom three is one and four, and by whom fire is water is life for earth. I offer this poem to the lady of creativity, asking that (by the principles of trinity) it also conjure the strength of the smith and the healing of the physician. Her nature is multiple meanings, and looking into the water at a reflection always shows another view of reality if we ask for eyes to see.</i><br />
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<i>I feel that there will be more to this poem, which is why I call it Part 1, but this is all I have right now. Some words have multiple meanings.</i><br />
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I don't know how to let him go.<br />
My heart was built to <b>hold</b>.<br />
My facings, spirit, nature, pace —<br />
a clasp, a sponge, a bowl<br />
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I do know how to fight my space,<br />
To forge a boundary line,<br />
When threats upon my home, my peace,<br />
My Self, blur and bind.<br />
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<b>Bound</b>! Someone can be here, and not.<br />
My sword is useless now.<br />
Footprints, ghosts taunt, remain.<br />
Unhold — I don't know how.Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-44782735664875883162016-05-15T00:05:00.000-07:002016-05-15T00:17:33.086-07:00Brokered EmotionsIn general, most people don't like to think of relationships in terms of <b>transaction</b>, at least not relationships that are supposed to be loving and intimate, like family or close friends. Most of us know instinctively that affection and love do not derive their meaning from a "you do this for me, and I'll do that for you" mindset. However, the emotionally healthy among us also know that overall, there should be a <b>balance</b> in a healthy, power-equal relationship (such as a romantic partnership or a friendship between adults). Not that we are keeping score, but roughly, each person should be putting about the same level of energy into the relationship as they are getting out of it. The commodities being "traded" in a relationship vary—emotional support, physical services, intellectual discussions, quality time, and so on. Everyone is looking for a slightly different set of ingredients from their relationships, and needs to make some trades in order to find what they are looking for. <b>A good relationship doesn't <i>reduce</i> to transaction, not at all (!!),</b> but balance is an important element. Relationships <i>involve</i> transaction, there's no need to pretend this isn't true. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/61056899@N06/5751301741/in/photolist-9LdVCR-pCN2WA-eMLZaF-5PENDH-oMknU-JFm3t-3fL1Z1-oJZgRU-cvUW6L-4M5AQK-f6wdG-9hvtjo-5Ta4xz-6XaRHT-8Tmzkm-5KzvwD-5xktSz-gXeLUB-iQhzgD-jAgTSf-56cvo5-dMxaei-dMCHLq-caruiG-ccCRTA-bVgk4p-8C4agg-dEWyg-bVgjN2-bVgBKX-b3rVLx-bVgBYR-ccCSfG-carrHW-8PYY78-55NMh1-c17pmf-dMCHMQ-dweebK-c93AeJ-c93Arm-dHNgJH-dMCHQY-ccCzFd-ccCznb-caC57h-c93zY3-p5qam3-ccCS2S-dMCHUw" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="balance scale"><img alt="balance scale" height="240" src="https://farm6.staticflickr.com/5187/5751301741_aa8463e472_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i><a href="https://flic.kr/p/9LdVCR" target="_blank">Image by winnifredxoxo on Flickr.com</a> Creative Commons Attribution license.</i></span></td></tr>
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It is generally good advice that in a relationship that is supposed to be power-equal, if the balance goes too far towards one person's favor for too long, this is not a healthy relationship, and boundaries should be put in place. However, I have been realizing lately that even if a relationship has a balance that is roughly equal, there can still be something subtly but deeply wrong. I am envisioning a style of relationships that I will call "<b>emotionally brokered relationships</b>."<br />
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To come up with this term, I used a metaphor from the financial industry. I was inspired while reading Gordon White's book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0738744719/ref=s9_simh_gw_g14_i1_r?ie=UTF8&fpl=fresh&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=desktop-1&pf_rd_r=185B56C3V9R1P837SME9&pf_rd_t=36701&pf_rd_p=2437869742&pf_rd_i=desktop" target="_blank"><i>The Chaos Protocols</i></a>, in which he describes solutions for dealing with the reality of today's economy (the book is not really about relationships... my mind just jumped to that topic). In the first chapter White proffers a brief history of how the global economy got into the mess it's in today. In general, the main problem is that the economy is no longer operating on trading real "wealth" (physical goods and services based on human personal interactions), but is instead an elaborate system of relativity. <b>As currency moves further and further away from the concept of actual wealth and direct transactions, more and more inequalities and dysfunctions are created.</b> For example, a couple decades ago, the mortgage system made a shift from using straightforward mortgages to security-backed mortgages. A straightforward mortgage is simply a loan that the bank gives you to buy a home. A security is a piece of paper that gambles on the assumption that you will pay the mortgage back (with interest), ensuring future profit. They are basically IOUs on IOUs. The banks can then mess around with these IOU's and gain incredible wealth, basically out of thin air. The incentives behind providing loans then became less about offering a service to individuals who needed it, and more about hedging bets and maximizing profit in an abstract inter-bank market. As White put it, "Banking moved from being relationship-based (which enabled real investment in a real economy) to being transactional; bankers changed from being investors to brokers." In this system, even a mortgage that is <b>technically "fair"</b> for both the lender and the buyer, <b>isn't truly an authentic transaction, and behind the scenes it's almost always working in favor of the big bank</b>.<br />
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I think a similar difference can be described in how some people conduct relationships. For some, even their intimate relationships are not engaged with <i>for their own sake</i>, but instead are used as a form of social capital to increase personal power. <b>Part of the psyche separates itself from the direct relationship and tries to direct and manage the transactions towards an ulterior goal.</b> There is something quite nefarious about this mode of operating, and difficult to discern. One blatant example of this would be when people brag about how good their relationships are, as a form of ego-boosting, or to sell a book or workshop, or something like that. But there are other subtle ways that people can do this, brokering out the relationship to serve a dark ulterior set of motives. In relationships like these, even if the <i>relational transactions</i> are <b>technically "balanced,"</b> they actually aren't, really. The party doing the emotional brokering is actually operating from a place of deep selfishness, and will always be looking for little ways to cut corners on the relational transactions, or grasping for subtle psychic superiority. Evil people conduct all of their relationships this
way, and use every opportunity to <i>take</i> as much as they can, only <i>giving
back</i> when it will lead to personal advantage, calculating every move to
ensure personal psychic profit.<br />
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I said this mode of relationship is nefarious, but I am now thinking of situations where it doesn't necessarily have to be. Perhaps it is sometimes even necessary for health. When people have their guards down, and relate to each other directly, and build that balance of inputs and outputs together, there is an authenticity that leads to joy and mutual satisfaction. However, the unlucky among us quickly learn that this unguarded style is not wise to use with every person. Some people are dangerous. <b>It can be a sign of maturity when one learns that relational transactions must be "brokered" to some extent, to ensure that you don't get taken advantage of.</b> Part of your psyche needs to separate from the transaction, and observe it objectively, to make sure it's actually fair and going well. If that starts not being the case, that part, "the broker," steps in and takes measures to protect you. The ulterior motive here is self-preservation, which isn't necessarily evil. Indeed, it should be a given. The difference between this nicer way of brokering I'm thinking of, and evil, is that the motives are still relationship based. The players <i>want</i> to have a healthy relationship for its own sake, and they <i>want</i> fairness. They just need to make sure it's safe before they let their guards down. As opposed to the evil person I mentioned earlier, who only wants relationships if they serve the ego.<br />
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Problem can arise when a person uses the brokered mode for so long, <b>they become incapable of switching into a direct, authentic transactional mode</b>. Brokering is not a satisfying way to conduct close relationships, because it necessarily precludes intimacy, which brings true joy. At some point, when both sides know they can trust each other with their hearts, the relationship "broker" must be abandoned, and the two parties must face each other directly, nakedly, and authentically, and they must build something together. If one or both parties are unwilling to do this, then true love will never grow. Even if such a relationship has every indication of being a balanced one, it is not really healthy.<br />
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It's tricky to know when it's safe to "fire your emotional broker" in a relationship. Myself, I have been hurt so much, that I find myself needing <i>lots of proof</i> from another that they are trustworthy. I will enter relationships not fully engaged, but "trading relationship commodities" in as fair a manner as I know how, and watching to see if the other operates fairly as well. If s/he doesn't, I bolster my walls and might even go as far as removing them from my life. I think this is healthy, even if it's not as fun as falling in love every other week. I have a lot to offer; this makes me a desirable target for people who would like to <i>take</i> a lot. I have only a few friendships in my life where I'm operating from an unguarded position. I do wonder if I'll ever be able to let go again and relax with my full self exposed in a romantic relationship... and I wonder how hard a fight my "emotional broker" will put up, when it's time to step down. I feel like it would take awhile, given my experiences with men so far. I need to know that the other likes every last weird piece of me and would never judge me, would never exploit my weaknesses, would take a bullet for me, would help me, would listen wholeheartedly to me, and would keep my best interests at heart always. And I long to offer all of the above to someone else as well. Not just because that's only fair, but because that's what true love is. <b>And true love is its own reward.</b>Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-15742219933748690262016-04-16T13:54:00.003-07:002016-04-16T13:57:05.728-07:00Musings on cognitive processes and unconscious programmingThe other morning as I was driving to work I needed to make a phone call. I had stayed up too late the night before, so I was feeling tired. And I was a bit worried about the content of the phone call. And I was driving. So my mind wasn't at its sharpest.<br />
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After a few rings I heard a beep and a recorded message, "Please state your name, and Google Voice will connect you," then another beep.<br />
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Like a dummy, instead of stating my name, I started talking as if I was recording a voicemail. "Hi, it's me, I wanted to talk with you about..." But after only two seconds, there was another beep, and I realized the recording had stopped. Then I realized what I had done. Instead of recording my name, which the instructions had clearly told me to do, I had started trying to record a voicemail with a message.<br />
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<a data-flickr-embed="true" href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/pincfloit/2472345324/in/photolist-4Ltq8w-8utNMf-ATeLm-3PKeT-9QmZW-fizTpb-8vuBWB-4r53ih-aiZzC5-d3o8Q1-dkGiTs-22TBNV-ry2Wy-5GoPFK-WopF8-hJA5EQ-bUMwk-dFm8Gm-9Au7c-4pzVuD-i5JgaZ-bPNN2M-GbGQs-2MCsEi-PV6Gv-GHyEP-e1Th8P-iNx9R-QhJ2-xTX8G-nkzr19-UnKBD-edfM1R-8F6qfR-n1Dm12-aUh9B4-5eLLdx-g78Wxa-6yq1bj-4BmrPs-qWcisH-YFEe-9i8k14-vVc5Ew-g78vQW-g78X3t-pAZUn-dWgtVX-4jN8F2-iwYnSK" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" title="Phone"><img alt="Phone" height="180" src="https://farm3.staticflickr.com/2370/2472345324_280a958b84_n.jpg" width="320" /></a>What happened there? Well, my conscious mind was distracted, and my ability to connect with my "executive function" was hindered due to physical tiredness. So the unconscious, or semi-conscious mind took over. Somewhere along the way, due to repeated exposure to the stimulus of a recorded voice and a beep, I have been programmed to associate this <i>stimulus</i> with the <i>response</i> of recording a voicemail. The sudden change of expectation, to record my name instead, did not register fully onto my conscious mind, due to it being in a weakened and distracted state. Thus, what was pre-programmed took over like auto-pilot.<br />
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Malcolm Gladwell wrote an excellent book a long time ago called "<a href="http://gladwell.com/blink/" target="_blank">Blink</a>," that explored some of these ideas. I highly recommend it.<br />
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<script async="" charset="utf-8" src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js"></script>This reminds me of the concept of "<a href="http://www.freudfile.org/psychoanalysis/freudian_slips.html" target="_blank">Freudian slips</a>." Occasionally during speaking we will accidentally say the wrong word, but it will betray what we are "really" thinking, or at least what we are unconsciously thinking. For example, a presenter accidentally introducing Prince William as the "<a href="http://www.examiner.com/article/prince-william-called-douche-of-cambridge" target="_blank">Douche of Cambridge</a>," then quickly correcting it to "Duke of Cambridge," COULD, according to Freudian theory, be construed as the presenter secretly thinking the Prince is a pretty shitty person, and accidentally betraying his true feelings. (Of course, it's an easy mistake to make, considering the presenter was introducing "The Duke and Duchess..." That one word uses a hard -k-, and the other a soft -ch- sound, makes it easy to flip them around, completely innocently. But it's still a funny example, whether it was a betrayal of real feeling or not.)<br />
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So, what <i><b>does</b></i> something like this reveal about a person? Which level of consciousness should be considered the "real" person? The incident that happened to me this morning was fairly innocuous; it just betrays that I have left a lot of voicemails in my lifetime (and, OK, all the privilege that implies...) But what about when someone's guard is down for whatever reason and the things that come out on autopilot are racist, misogynist, ablist, violent, or some other kind of undesirable trait? What does this mean? Is the person "really" a terrible person at heart, or are these things simply artifacts of poor programming? Sometimes these values and traits are imprinted on us by our culture, even against our wishes. With education and effort, we learn to identify ourselves with nobler values, but sometimes the old ways creep through when we are unguarded. Can someone be held responsible for the contents of their unconscious mind, or is it only the conscious level that counts, (at least as far as moral responsibility)?Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-42751590773973453152016-03-22T22:24:00.000-07:002016-03-23T13:27:54.800-07:00Pagans and Jesus ChristI recently ran across an article by a Pagan leader named Sam Webster called, "<a href="http://www.patheos.com/Pagan/Why-You-Cant-Worship-Sam-Webster-03-20-2013">Why You Can't Worship Jesus Christ and Be Pagan</a>." (Yes, it's from 2013. I've never been one who's on the cutting edge of anything, so... whatever. I just go with things as they come to me.) The ideas in this article fascinated me, and I want to try my hand at unpacking them. (Webster expounded on his article in an interview, on this podcast: <a href="http://disinfo.com/2014/06/datc-044-cant-worship-jesus-christ-pagan-sam-webster">http://disinfo.com/2014/06/datc-044-cant-worship-jesus-christ-pagan-sam-webster</a>/)<br />
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As a disclosure, I'm not Pagan, nor do I any longer feel safe identifying as a Christian, so my opinions are going to be more philosophical than personal. I'm interested in exploring these concepts, not prescribing boundaries.<br />
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The essence of the article is that because Christianity has consistently sought to exterminate Paganism throughout history, either by conversion or by execution, the spirit of Christianity is incompatible with Paganism. Many good points are made, and I can totally see where he's coming from. What I'm interested in, though, are the cracks and crevices in his arguments; the nuances on the edges of his monolithic declarations (which, to be honest, came across as thumpy in places).<br />
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First, let's just acknowledge that Webster presents a very narrow view of Church history and severely oversimplifies its complicated relationship with political power. Let's also acknowledge that he ignores the HUGE subject of how religious syncretism has affected Christianity, in both directions, in and out. For having seminary and history degrees, he really should know this stuff; that he ignored these things is baffling.<br />
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The main thing I want to focus on, though, is the ramifications for his arguments of his obvious <b>conception of gods and goddesses as literal entities</b>. (As opposed, perhaps, to a kind of Jungian psychological approach, where deities are really archetypes — elements of the human psyche, endogenous creatures that take life in our collective imaginations.) That there are literal, exogenous spirits who can imbue physical bodies (besides being a fun and/or scary thing to turn over in my mind) is really what makes this article challenging to unpack. I don't know where I stand on that issue. Are there actually intelligent spiritual entities, separate from ourselves, whom humans label as god/desses, or are these actually psychological projections, or is it some mix of the two, or is it something else altogether? I do not know.<br />
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But let's assume there are literal spirits, in order to address this article. Because <b>we need to know the nature of these spirits</b> he believes in. Are spirits (or, more specifically, is the spirit of Jesus Christ) <i>eternal</i>? Because if so, that would mean that Jesus existed before the rise of Christianity. (Which makes you wonder where Webster believes Jesus was before that, and what he was doing.) Can the <i>fundamental nature of spirits change</i> over time? So could, say, Venus, one day decide she's bored with being seductive, and instead focus more on, oh, traveling or something? Or is Venus immutably seductive, because goddesses/gods don't change? Likewise, if Jesus is a god whose nature is to eradicate culture and destroy dissenters (as Webster claims), was Jesus always this way? Will he always be this way? Or was he maybe more peaceful at one time (say, during the time when Christians were being persecuted by, <i>ahem</i>, people who worshiped multiple deities), and later evolved to be more wrathful? Unpacking the theology of what Webster means when he talks about the spirit of Jesus really affects the validity of his arguments.<br />
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If I had to, today, decide how I wanted to understand what goddess/god spirits are, I would probably choose a conception similar to Plato's Forms. Spirits are concepts, often universal concepts such as harmony, division, communication, and so on, that imbue the physical world. So anything beautiful is, at least partially, imbued with the goddess Venus. Anything angry or warlike is calling on Mars. And so on. Thus, spirits cannot change, because they are concepts. You can't change the concept of "roundness" or "green," even if you find different words for it or different nuances of it.<br />
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And it's important to recognize that the names for these concepts DO change. Not only due to different languages, and linguistic shifts over time, but also, more subtly, due to the co-opting by various cultural elements of certain concepts.<br />
For example, let's take the concept of <i>the struggle for economic freedom for all of humanity</i>. A worthy goal. This concept or spirit (as I'm currently deciding to conceive of the word "spirit") <b>clothes itself in different forms throughout time and place depending on the context</b>. The spirit of universal economic freedom (for the sake of expediency, let's call this spirit Santa Claus, OK?) uses whatever tools it can find to accomplish its goals. In one context, the most expedient tool Santa Claus can use is capitalism, while in another context, communism serves the job much better. It's a crude example, but you can hopefully see my point, that the spirit behind very, very different movements can still be the same.<br />
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The Santa Claus impulse, to provide economically for all of humanity, drives very different people and marches under very different, sometimes even opposing, banners at times, based on the culture that surrounds it. Now, let's say Santa Claus merged with Capitalism for awhile, because Capitalism was able to provide a lot of wealth for a wide range of people, and that made Santa Claus happy. But over time Capitalism became corrupted by greedy people who refused to heed to the problems that were developing in the system, and instead collected more and more of the wealth for themselves. Is Capitalism still imbued with Santa Claus? I would say no. At some point Santa Claus had to depart from the banner of Capitalism and find a different vehicle to accomplish his goals, most likely even fighting against the very thing he once indwelled.<br />
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So where I'm going with this, is back to the question of Jesus Christ. If there is a spirit of Jesus Christ, <b>is he, as Webster claims, a malefic spirit at heart, who deceives people with promises of peace and light, while actually only wanting to assimilate them, or destroy them</b> if they refuse to be assimilated? Or <b>is it possible that Jesus is actually something else, and another spirit has co-opted the banner of Christianity</b>, essentially driving the spirit of Jesus away from the very thing he once indwelled?<br />
<br />
The latter is <b>actually an argument that some Christians make</b>, from a surprising diversity of viewpoints. On one side, you have far right fundamentalists (the kind who merge their faith with their American nationalism,) such as <a href="https://resources.khouse.org/prophecy/dl040/">Chuck Missler,</a> who say that when Christianity merged with the Roman Empire, it ceased being Christ-like, and drove "the true church" underground. The Catholic and Orthodox branches of Christianity are actually just the Satanic Roman Empire continuing in slightly different forms, who will eventually usher in the antichrist and the end of the age. From another angle, you have liberal Christian theologians such as <a href="http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/december/theology-under-empire.html">Rob Bell and Don Golden</a> stating that the spirit of Christ is incompatible with any form of colonization or empire-building. Despite what some Christians do in his name, Jesus is <i>always</i> about providing life, joy, and freedom to people, whether these people acknowledge him or not, whether they believe certain doctrines or not.<br />
<br />
So which is it? Will the real Jesus please stand up? Is Jesus a colonizer or a liberator? Yes, a large segment of today's Christianity, and a large segment of the historical church, takes a very authoritarian, colonizing approach. But maybe the real spirit of Jesus has left the building, so to speak. Maybe Satan or someone else (whoever the hell has been in charge of raising the <b>various world empires throughout history, all of whom have colonized and destroyed the cultures of others</b>, it's not just Christianity that has done that) has taken control. Or maybe it really has been Jesus all along. So... will invoking Jesus invite a self-erasure? Or will you find that invoking Jesus does the opposite? <b>How can you know?</b> And if Jesus is a deceptive deity, will you even be <i>able</i> to know before it's too late and he has assimilated you? (Hypothetically speaking, here. I don't personally invoke gods.)<br />
<br />
There are so many directions I can go with this, but this post is long enough. From the little I know of Paganism, most of them are strongly anti-authoritarian and won't let some guy tell them whom they can and can't worship, based on his own opinions of what that god is. Based on the comments on the article and the podcast, it looks like a good chunk of the Pagan community has decided they have the right to define Jesus for themselves, and to reject or accept their personal ideas of who Jesus is, as they see fit. So who knows how influential this article actually was. At least it gave me some food for thought, for which I'm grateful.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I close my ramblings with a song I wrote several years ago, which seems apt for this topic.<br />
<a href="http://musicbyava.com/name.html">Name</a><br />
<br />
<iframe frameborder="no" height="450" scrolling="no" src="https://w.soundcloud.com/player/?url=https%3A//api.soundcloud.com/tracks/124912952&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false&visual=true" width="100%"></iframe>Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-88350947269667180242015-01-08T20:36:00.004-08:002016-03-23T13:28:59.856-07:00the devil's greatest achievementI want to start a series of posts loosely organized around the quite-simple (ha) theme of "how the questions of evil affect my epistemology," but I don't have time to get all my thoughts out right this moment. For now, an introductory teaser:<br />
<br />
<i>The greatest achievement the devil ever made was convincing people he doesn't exist. </i><br />
<br />
So said someone famous. <br />
<br />
I, however, think the devil would be smarter than that. People who aren't agitated
for a cause are pretty useless for anything the devil would want to do.<br />
<br />
Much better to convince people that fighting him will be effective
using technique XYZ, which <b>doesn't actually do anything at all</b>. The
fear/tribalism response is one of the most powerful instincts humans
have, and can be rallied for all kinds of purposes. Make people spin
their wheels, believing they are fighting evil, when actually they
aren't. Or, even better, convince them to <b>do evil things, ironically
believing they are fighting evil.</b><br />
<br />
THAT, friends, would be the devil's
greatest achievement.Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5850630388272286020.post-19024907473812669262014-12-05T19:51:00.001-08:002016-03-23T13:26:29.104-07:00"Saving Christmas," the movie (guest post)<i>My friend, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ATLNoir">Peter Brahm</a>, posted this on his FaceBook wall, and I think it's great. With his permission, I'm copying it here. He doesn't have a website , but maybe he should start one! He IS working on writing a book, I hear, so follow his FaceBook page if you're interested in reading that when it's ready.</i><br />
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<br />
This
is a real poster for a real movie that was really made and really
just came out in real theaters.<br />
<br />
First
off, you have to love how Kirk Cameron, the writer and star of the
movie, has <b>his name</b> in letters just a little smaller than the title,
while the message of the movie, "put Christ back in Christmas," is in
teenie weenie little letters you can barely notice.<br />
<br />
Or how about the
fact that the title appears to be "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas," as
though he wants all the credit for "saving" a holiday which he and a
bunch of his lunatic followers believes is being oppressed into
nonexistence, when in actuality it's growing so big that people are even
starting to celebrate it the month before?<br />
<br />
Or
how about the idea that this movie supposedly rails against the
commercialization of Christmas, but this is a movie that <b>people will
have to pay to see</b>? Hypocritical much, Cameron?<br />
<br />
The
very message of this movie is repulsive. There is no war on Christmas,
period. Acknowledging other people's holidays during December is not
waging war on Christmas or Christians or anything like that, it's called
<b> being inclusive</b>.<br />
<br />
Nutjobs like Cameron, who oppress everyone different
from them and then cry about "persecution" any time that they get some
reality check about how there's people who aren't Christians who also
deserve to be respected, are poisoning society. They spread
self-righteous hatred under the veil that they're really doing it out of
love for those that they treat like sh*t. They lie about being
"oppressed," in spite of making up the religious majority of the nation,
whilst demonizing the people they claim they are being oppressed by.
They're in the media, they're in the press, and they're even in office,
too. And they're the ones who are giving religion a bad name. They're
the ones causing much of the criticisms about religion these days.<br />
<br />
Movies like "God's Not Dead," "Heaven is for Real," "A Matter of Faith,"
"Persecuted," and... THIS cosmic abomination are detrimental to society
and religion itself, and if you claim to be a Christian, then trust me,
supporting this movie and encouraging its level of dogmatic insanity is
only going to lead to your religion fading into irrelevance in the near
future.Sleeping Realitieshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10374558927783481436noreply@blogger.com0