I didn't date in highschool or most of college, because of odd religious ideas I had. I kind of got over those ideas halfway through college, but then I just managed to get a bunch of crushes on guys who refused to acknowledge my existence. Most of the dates I did manage to score --before meeting the guy who would go on to become my abusive (now-ex-)husband-- were one-hit wonders. I think I went out with one guy twice. Post-divorce, the longest healthy relationship I've ever had lasted 3 months. (I don't consider my most recent heartbreak, which I blogged about here, here, and here to have been a healthy relationship.)
Just bear that in mind... because I recently decided to join a dating site, and... I've found someone interesting.
But I don't know what to think. I'm wondering if history is going to repeat itself, and I'm feeling a bit anxious.
In the healthy relationship I mentioned above, I broke up with him, because things just didn't feel like I thought they should. I knew from the start that I wasn't hugely attracted to him. He was just a long-standing, good, distant friend. But I wanted to give him a chance. "Maybe feelings would develop over time," I thought. "I've changed so much since last time I knew him, maybe things will be different now."
I tried, I really did, but I just couldn't make myself feel like I thought I ought to feel for a romantic partner. There was nothing wrong with him, and so much right with him, but there was no spark. At least not on my end. On his end, well, I'm pretty sure he had strong feelings for me... so it was really hard to tell him I wanted to break up.
I've often wondered if I did the right thing. If I should have just told him upfront that I didn't feel a romantic attraction for him, and not started anything with him at all. It would have saved him a painful heartbreak. I still feel a twinge of guilt about it to this day. Heartbreak is agonizing, I know all too well. But I just didn't know what would happen. I hadn't had enough experience to know. I honestly thought that maybe feelings would develop over time. But they didn't. How could I have foreseen?
Should I have "gone with my gut?" My so-called "gut" has led me astray in the past. "Trust your instinct" is sometimes good advice, sometimes bad. My opinion on "the gut" or "the instinct" is that it is a deeply-embedded, instantaneous response stemming from primal, implicit conditioning, programmed in the emotional parts of my brain, based on in-born survival instincts, plus how I have unconsciously processed the millions of life experiences I have had. I do NOT think "instinct" is based on an objective view of reality, nor indication of connection to a transcendent guidance system, such as a deity, or "The Force," or what-have-you. If my understanding of "instinct" is correct (and, of course, I think it is), then my knee-jerk responses are influenced mostly by my past experiences. And because my past experiences with romance have been heavily tinged with negative beliefs, expectations, and situations, I don't "trust my gut" when it comes to relationships. I know that I need to rewrite this part of my life. I need to rebuild the "relationships" schema in my mind. (Just like I am rebuilding so many other schemas in my life these days, post-religion, now that I think about it!)
I have thought a lot about what I want in a partner, and I've gone so far as to write it down. I have quite a list of character traits that I feel are indispensable. And yet, how many of them really are indispensable?
Here's what I carefully wrote in my journal a couple months ago:
open-minded,
academically intelligent,
buoyant/cheerful,
communicative (good at listening and speaking),
self-reflective,
worldly-wise (not naive),
good with people,
social justice minded,
frank,
handy,
ambitious/driven,
helpful/kind,
elegant,
interesting,
bold/assertive, and
ethical.
To boil it all down, I need someone who 1) affirms what I like about myself, 2) makes me feel safe by providing for the areas where I am weak, and 3) assists me in accomplishing what I need to accomplish in life. I want to respect him and feel equal to him.
Could one person live up to all that? I don't think I'm being incredibly unrealistic. High standards, yes, but not impossible. However, what if I found someone who met all but one of these traits? All but two? And so on? Can love be reduced to a check list? Or what if I found someone who met all the things on my list, but had some sort of major problem that I hadn't foreseen, like "he rolls in the mud every day for fun" or something? Oh yeah, and how much should physical attractiveness play into the decision?
So that brings me back to the guy I'm currently considering. We've been communicating online /texting /phone calling for all of three weeks now, and we've met in person once. There's a lot I like about him. It's hard to say definitively at this point, but he seems to meet my requirements on the above checklist so far. That I can tell, anyway. However, the "unforeseen problem" is that he is very mild-mannered. Only after spending time with him did I realize that I have tended to prefer men who challenge me, argue with me, push me, give me an "edge" to work with. Not in a mean way, just in a direct, strong-willed, verbal-energetic way. I like someone strong to push against. (Mars squares my Sun, Saturn conjucts Pluto and squares 7th-H Mercury, and Venus squares Jupiter in my chart, astro people...) This new guy is pretty laid-back, though. I have started a few discussions on controversial topics, and while he hasn't tried to avoid conflict or tell me what he thought I wanted to hear, his style is very... well... gentle. Calm. Acquiescing. Could I live with that? Should I add "edgy" or "strong-willed" to my list, and just write off this current guy? How could I know whether this "style" issue will eventually bore me and make me miserable, or if it'll grow on me?
I'm trying to decide how "attracted" I feel to him based on the one day we spent together. There's more attraction there than there was with the 3-month guy I mentioned above. But I've definitely felt stronger feelings for other people in the past. Does the fact that I'm actually trying to decide how attracted I am indicate that the right kind of attraction isn't there? Or is my mental gymnastics routine just a byproduct of being a sensitive, thoughtful person who tends to "over-think" everything? Does a relationship need to start with a head-over-heels infatuation in order to have the passion necessary to be enduring? What if it's just a head-over-shoulders infatuation at first? Is a cautious, tentative approach good enough, or is that already a red flag that something important is missing?
I don't want to break someone's heart again unnecessarily, nor my own.
Maybe I'm worrying too much about this. Maybe I should just take it one day at a time. Something doesn't feel right, but looking back, NO relationship has ever "felt right." Ever. Even when undeniably strong attractions were there. So, like I said, I'm pretty sure my feelings are not an accurate barometer at this point.
I need advice!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Well, that didn't go as expected...
My doctor told me to try biofeedback first, before he looks into giving me meds for depression or anxiety. Fortunately, my student fees cover free therapy, including sessions in the biofeedback lab.
The "lab" is actually a lovely, comfortable den, run by a loving and comforting woman with whom, last time, I spent so much time chewing the fat, that we didn't have time for the actual biofeedback session. So this time, we went straight into it. There are several biofeedback things we can do, I was told, and this time we are going to start with the Heart Math program.
The quick and dirty explanation was that just by measuring variation in my pulse, this program can detect whether I'm in a state of "coherence" or not. Controlling my breathing, focusing my attention on the area of my heart, and invoking positive feelings such as appreciation, will bring me into "coherence." What is coherence"? Something about the autonomic nervous system... It means I will have that "fullness of heart" feeling that indicates my body is running at its optimal level. I was suspicious that the mere timing intervals of my pulse could indicate whether or not my body is at its optimal level... (What about my anemia? Low ferritin and hemoglobin can't be detected via pulse, but I still can't make it through the day without lying down several times...) but I tried to keep an open mind.
A thingamabob was strapped onto one of my fingers, and soon a graph started producing a line that measured my "coherence." I got a few squawks from the computer in the first few seconds. Apparently I was low coherence when I was first hooked up, and the computer didn't like that. But I just started following her instructions to breathe in for 5 and out for 5... "Ding" I was at 90% coherence already, in just a few seconds. "Excellent job!" I was told. "Not many people get that high so quickly."
We then went through a visualization. While continuing my rhythmic breathing, I was supposed to focus on the area of my heart, as if I were breathing "through my heart"... then imagine feelings of appreciation for something... That exercise lasted several minutes, and I sustained high coherence throughout most of it. I didn't tell her, however, that I was having a hard time faking a "feeling of appreciation" for something or someone out of nowhere. I thought of things I enjoy, but I just didn't feel like being actively happy that day. Blah was kind of my mood. Neutral.
There was another screen view in the program that showed "coherence" a different way. So we started another exercise. I lay down in a recliner and closed my eyes. This time, I decided to test the system. When she said "focus your attention on your heart," I focused my attention on my right foot instead. I imagined breathing "through my right foot." Woohoo! This would come in handy if anyone ever tried to strangle me... Coherence was still high, so apparently the computer didn't notice that my foci of attention included the wrong body part. Then it was time to add thoughts of appreciation. For this, I decided not to be snarky. I was already feeling guilty enough.
So I really made an effort to be happy about something. The only thing I could think of on the spot, that I didn't have mixed feelings about, was the Agastache rupestris plant in my front yard. I love that thing. It smells so nice, it's beautiful, and it's practically care-free.
However, this exercise was lasting longer, and as much as I tried, I couldn't just hold this still image of the Agastache in my head for so long. My mind wandered. I wonder what grade I'll get for the final paper I submitted yesterday. What a dumb class that was. Well, at least it's done, and I have a date this Thursday. Oops... Happy... be happy... No, she said "Appreciation." I tried to come back to the Agastache. Oh, I don't think I remembered to water the garden today. I need to get the mail too. I wonder if I'll get another nasty letter from... oops... My coherence wobbled down to the 60s and 70s. The therapist noticed and reminded me to breathe rhythmically. The only way I could do that was to blank my mind, though. Trying to focus on something didn't work. I got "Coherence" back up to the 90s again.
We had a chat afterward. She asked if I was feeling a "fullness of heart." Not really, I thought, glumly. Nice person that I am, though, I averted the subject instead. I told her that, to be honest, I felt resistance to the idea of "trying" to feel happy feelings, artificially.
"Why do you think that is?" she asked.
"Well, it reminds me of positivism, and I've had bad experiences with the positive-thinking movement, and I'm more in agreement with Carl Jung, who said that life is about light and dark, conscious and unconscious, sun and shadow, it's all a valuable part of the human experience, not just the 'light' things or the things that we are holding in our conscious minds, because just because we are consciously making ourselves feel happy, that doesn't mean we don't still have darkness inside, and if we try to repress our problems or the things we wish would just go away, that doesn't actually make them go away, they'll just come to bite us later, so I don't really like the idea of pretending things are good when actually, life kind of sucks right now; it reminds me of when I grew up, if we got sick we were made to feel guilty for our lack of faith or for letting the devil have an advantage over us, and there's just so much that's wrong with that from a theological and philosophical standpoint, because if you hold that God is 'only' good, and ascribe all bad to the devil or humans, then essentially you are creating a dualism, where God is at war with the devil, and while I understand the desire to not ascribe evil to God, when you do so you diminish his supposed omnipotence, so it's a paradox, but that's really a question that humanity has been struggling with for millenia, and every culture tries to solve it a different way, some end up with dualism, some end up with monism, and in the case of St. Augustine in the 4th century, he might have come up with one of the more sophisticated answers to theodicy, by saying that evil is not actually a 'thing,' it's merely the absence of good, and while that solves some of the problems of theodicy, it has its own set of problems."
At this point I realized I had said too much.
The therapist blinked and I realized she had been maintaining a gradually sinking smile throughout my entire rant.
"OK, I'll try again," I said, lying back down. "Breathe. In - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - Out - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5..."
The "lab" is actually a lovely, comfortable den, run by a loving and comforting woman with whom, last time, I spent so much time chewing the fat, that we didn't have time for the actual biofeedback session. So this time, we went straight into it. There are several biofeedback things we can do, I was told, and this time we are going to start with the Heart Math program.
The quick and dirty explanation was that just by measuring variation in my pulse, this program can detect whether I'm in a state of "coherence" or not. Controlling my breathing, focusing my attention on the area of my heart, and invoking positive feelings such as appreciation, will bring me into "coherence." What is coherence"? Something about the autonomic nervous system... It means I will have that "fullness of heart" feeling that indicates my body is running at its optimal level. I was suspicious that the mere timing intervals of my pulse could indicate whether or not my body is at its optimal level... (What about my anemia? Low ferritin and hemoglobin can't be detected via pulse, but I still can't make it through the day without lying down several times...) but I tried to keep an open mind.
A thingamabob was strapped onto one of my fingers, and soon a graph started producing a line that measured my "coherence." I got a few squawks from the computer in the first few seconds. Apparently I was low coherence when I was first hooked up, and the computer didn't like that. But I just started following her instructions to breathe in for 5 and out for 5... "Ding" I was at 90% coherence already, in just a few seconds. "Excellent job!" I was told. "Not many people get that high so quickly."
We then went through a visualization. While continuing my rhythmic breathing, I was supposed to focus on the area of my heart, as if I were breathing "through my heart"... then imagine feelings of appreciation for something... That exercise lasted several minutes, and I sustained high coherence throughout most of it. I didn't tell her, however, that I was having a hard time faking a "feeling of appreciation" for something or someone out of nowhere. I thought of things I enjoy, but I just didn't feel like being actively happy that day. Blah was kind of my mood. Neutral.
There was another screen view in the program that showed "coherence" a different way. So we started another exercise. I lay down in a recliner and closed my eyes. This time, I decided to test the system. When she said "focus your attention on your heart," I focused my attention on my right foot instead. I imagined breathing "through my right foot." Woohoo! This would come in handy if anyone ever tried to strangle me... Coherence was still high, so apparently the computer didn't notice that my foci of attention included the wrong body part. Then it was time to add thoughts of appreciation. For this, I decided not to be snarky. I was already feeling guilty enough.
So I really made an effort to be happy about something. The only thing I could think of on the spot, that I didn't have mixed feelings about, was the Agastache rupestris plant in my front yard. I love that thing. It smells so nice, it's beautiful, and it's practically care-free.
However, this exercise was lasting longer, and as much as I tried, I couldn't just hold this still image of the Agastache in my head for so long. My mind wandered. I wonder what grade I'll get for the final paper I submitted yesterday. What a dumb class that was. Well, at least it's done, and I have a date this Thursday. Oops... Happy... be happy... No, she said "Appreciation." I tried to come back to the Agastache. Oh, I don't think I remembered to water the garden today. I need to get the mail too. I wonder if I'll get another nasty letter from... oops... My coherence wobbled down to the 60s and 70s. The therapist noticed and reminded me to breathe rhythmically. The only way I could do that was to blank my mind, though. Trying to focus on something didn't work. I got "Coherence" back up to the 90s again.
We had a chat afterward. She asked if I was feeling a "fullness of heart." Not really, I thought, glumly. Nice person that I am, though, I averted the subject instead. I told her that, to be honest, I felt resistance to the idea of "trying" to feel happy feelings, artificially.
"Why do you think that is?" she asked.
"Well, it reminds me of positivism, and I've had bad experiences with the positive-thinking movement, and I'm more in agreement with Carl Jung, who said that life is about light and dark, conscious and unconscious, sun and shadow, it's all a valuable part of the human experience, not just the 'light' things or the things that we are holding in our conscious minds, because just because we are consciously making ourselves feel happy, that doesn't mean we don't still have darkness inside, and if we try to repress our problems or the things we wish would just go away, that doesn't actually make them go away, they'll just come to bite us later, so I don't really like the idea of pretending things are good when actually, life kind of sucks right now; it reminds me of when I grew up, if we got sick we were made to feel guilty for our lack of faith or for letting the devil have an advantage over us, and there's just so much that's wrong with that from a theological and philosophical standpoint, because if you hold that God is 'only' good, and ascribe all bad to the devil or humans, then essentially you are creating a dualism, where God is at war with the devil, and while I understand the desire to not ascribe evil to God, when you do so you diminish his supposed omnipotence, so it's a paradox, but that's really a question that humanity has been struggling with for millenia, and every culture tries to solve it a different way, some end up with dualism, some end up with monism, and in the case of St. Augustine in the 4th century, he might have come up with one of the more sophisticated answers to theodicy, by saying that evil is not actually a 'thing,' it's merely the absence of good, and while that solves some of the problems of theodicy, it has its own set of problems."
At this point I realized I had said too much.
The therapist blinked and I realized she had been maintaining a gradually sinking smile throughout my entire rant.
"OK, I'll try again," I said, lying back down. "Breathe. In - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - Out - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5..."
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Steps toward forgiveness
Dreams are usually the mind's way of deeply processing the events and feelings of the day or two before the dream. So let me tell you about what I was thinking about yesterday, train-of-thought syle, before sharing the proceeding dream:
Of course, I was still thinking about how to process the breakup that happened awhile back. I have a strong intuition that I'm ALMOST done with this, but have no idea what to do to actually BE done with this.
I was also noticing that my comments and such on the dating site I've joined tend to be a bit cautious, concerned that I will offend people.
This brought to mind my tendency to absorb the energies and styles of the people around me, and this is something about myself that I find a bit discouraging. I wish I could be more oblivious sometimes, just be myself, and not give a flying leap about what others do or think, and not take on their baggage unintentionally. I attribute this "absorbent" feature to my Pisces Moon in my natal chart.
This reminded me that the ex I am trying to process through had a 12th-house sun and Venus-- the 12th house is the Pisces-flavored house.
So then I got to thinking of all the things I didn't like about Pisces--deception, confusion, being wishy-washy, hiding, and so on. (An exercise in self-loathing is never too good right before bed. I don't recommend it!)
So this reminded me to read my personalized horoscope at www.astro.com, and what do you know. Transiting Mars is opposing my Neptune... ruler of Pisces. (Neptune squares my moon in my chart, so there's a double-whammy...)
Astro.com's interpretation of this transit said that this may be a time of temptation, or of someone trying to deceive me, whether intentionally or not. (I thought of the several men who have contacted me on the dating site... which one of them is it?? ha ha ha) It said that I may have to face the consequences of previous action at this time, which I would rather avoid. Hmmm, interesting.
I did an online search for other possible interpretations of what a transiting Mars opposition Neptune might mean, and one site in particular jumped out at me. This long article went quite in-depth about this transit, and a lot of it was not applicable to me (I don't do holotrophic breathwork!) but there was one paragraph that kind of circled itself to me:
At the biographical level, Mars-Neptune transits can evoke in individuals a major evaluation of their ethical conduct in the world. People examine their overall strategies for pursuing and satisfying their desires and focus on specific incidents where they were not straight or aboveboard in their conduct. They may also recall episodes in their lives in which other people did not act in a straightforward way with them. By feeling the emotions on both sides and the consequences of their human mistakes, subjects can reach states of forgiveness. They realize that forgiveness is not something we can actively will into being. Like Divine Grace, it happens to us when we deeply feel the emotions on all sides.(emphasis mine.) I needed to read this! Whether it actually has anything to do with Mars or not... I have my suspicions... but this paragraph was, nonetheless the point of my search. Forgiveness. That's what I have been wanting to do with my ex, and I've felt like I couldn't, because I don't know enough, something's missing, I don't know how to process it. This paragraph told me the missing piece. I needed to try to feel the emotions on the other side. (By the way, I really loved the point about forgiveness not being something we can intentionally conjure up. It has to happen naturally. So true.)
I have definitely done my share of trying to figure out, mentally, what happened on his side. But to really let go, I need an emotional experience. I couldn't really come up with anything, though... I couldn't fathom how someone could be so incredibly jerky... and it was getting late, so I went to bed.
I dreamed a long dream that I won't share the entirety of here. But the basic idea is that someone in my family died of heart failure. Then I realized that if heart failure ran in my family, I was at risk for getting it too, and I got scared that I might die young as well. That fear woke me up.
In that half-awake stage, I noticed an unfamiliar song running through my head. It sounded folksy or easy-pop-worship style:
Behold
the lamb of God
Who takes
away the sins
The sins
of the world
The song made me think about forgiveness. And how I needed to feel my ex's feelings in order to forgive. Then --suddenly-- I felt like I was feeling what my ex felt. (For sake of a truly immersive experience, I'll use first person, as if I were feeling FOR him)--
Underwater, I'm overwhelmed, not seeing straight, and there's so much darkness in my life. Above the water is SR, shining like a bright light. I don't want to drag her into my darkness and mess. I don't want to quench that light. I want to go to her, but I don't want to. I'm afraid she'll be drawn down here instead of me going up there. I want to protect her from this.
Shit happens. I'm swept away by the waters. Someone else is alluring... I don't want SR to know. I don't want that light to go out. I need to know that it will always be there sparkling above me, but I don't want to tell her the full story. She needs to be protected. I don't want to hurt her. Damn, it's too late, I have to tell her. I brace myself.
The angry email arrives. She doesn't ever want to speak with me again.
There's a warm, painful sensation in the center of my body. It's regret, and immense, enormous frustration at myself. I totally blew this. Hurting her was the LAST thing I wanted to do, and it's the very thing that happened. This heat inside me, at my very core... so painful. It's rising up from me, it comes up, it comes up... but it stops at my throat. It can't come out. I don't acknowledge these feelings. I can't. I stuff them down and feel only numbness. I try to think about the situation, what to do, and there's just a blank white space in my brain.
I (the real me now) snapped out of this reverie and pondered for awhile. I'm surprised I didn't cry. Maybe I was too tired to cry (this was happening at around 5:30 a.m.!) Maybe I was too surprised. I've never had something like this happen to me before, that I know of. Was this experience accurate? I could never know. Maybe it's wishful thinking. Maybe it's the power of suggestion, since I'd been thinking about the concept of trying to feel his side of the story, only minutes before falling asleep. However, it IS one POSSIBLE explanation of the story, and since there's no way to verify whether it's true or not... and since I do need to be able to forgive in order to move on... maybe this is what my mind is giving me to help me do just that. Should I take this and go with it? Is it nonsense? Is it helpful? Well, let's cautiously go with it.
My first thought was... It's so touching that he felt the need to protect me. I think it's totally unnecessary. He underestimates my strength I guess. I felt like I could have helped him! But still, that's romantic and sweet.
Seeing me as a bright light is flattering. Really? Oh, I wish this part were true. I'm so hard on myself, and sometimes I wonder if I'm ever of any good to anyone.
Wouldn't it be nice to know that someone whom I considered to be pretty darn amazing actually looked up to me??? Even if it didn't work out between us, even if things weren't right for an actual romance, that's a flattering thought.
And so sad that he's so overwhelmed, and on top of everything else he has to deal with, he is trying to avoid feeling regret and irritation at himself for what happened with me-- as if he needed any more painful feelings in his life! I feel so bad about that heat in his body, unable to find expression. Maybe he will find a way to express it, write a song or something. I hope so. I hope he finds relief and healing.
How sad that nobody even wins. It's not like he got ahead in life at my expense. If so, I could, at very least, console myself with the thought that I helped him somehow. No. We both lost something.
I can't say I'm at a point of true forgiveness yet, but this experience was interesting. I probably need a little more processing...
Well, to put a bow on things here-- after I fell asleep again, the next dream I had was strongly Piscean in nature, and it reminded me that Pisces can be awesome! It reminded me not to be hard on myself and other Pisces-flavored people because the bright side of Pisces is pretty kick-butt! I'd share that dream, but this blog post is already long enough!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Dialogues toward healing
In my process of healing from a breakup that affected me deeply, I've recently felt that imagining a conversation with him would be helpful. I can't really talk with him anymore, because back when it happened, due to the nature of the situation, I felt that the right thing to do was to cut off communication with him. Not being able to talk with him --to process what happened-- has been hard, though.
So lately I've sensed that the next (and one of the final) step in really letting go would be to envision going back to that coffee shop where we first re-met. Such a powerful memory-invoking place for me.
I imagine seeing him working on his computer at a table. I glide over, and sit down across from him, startling him out of his work.
Tears would start falling from my eyes, I know it. What would I say?
What would he say?
Tonight, the conversations play themselves out like this (though it may change tomorrow, and would most definitely be different if it actually happened in real life)
Take 1--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: Me too. (sigh) I could say so much, bore you out of your mind. I won't, though. I just wanted you to know that... I worry about you, I worry about your new little family, and beyond the feelings I'm going through, I really want you to be OK. And the baby… and *the other woman's name*… (crying, then catching myself with a deep breath.)
Ex: Hey, I'll be fine. You don't look too good, though.
Me: Don't worry about me. I'm always fine. This is nothing. (Standing up) I gotta go. I don't know how to say what I want to say, but… it was good to see you. I just… I… wish I could take back some of what I wrote to you.
Ex: Nah, you had good reasons. I'm a dickhead, I know it. Good to see you too.
Me: Don't drink too much, OK? The baby needs you to keep it real. I worry about your drinking.
Ex: (Smirky smile) It's all good
Me, to myself in my head: (He hasn't changed. This hasn't affected him one bit. He's so blind. What am I doing, loving an asshole like this? I want to leave, and yet I want to cling to him. How ridiculous. He wants me to cling to him, jerk. How do I exit this situation gracefully? What can I say to at least shake him up a bit?)
Me: And you know what? Don't be an asshole to *the other woman's name*. Get your head on right. Man up, face up, grow up. She deserves better than what I got. That's all. (I'm completely red-faced at my audacity to lecture him, so I turn and march out, feeling like that was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.)
_____________
Take 2--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: Well… (uncomfortable pause) The past few months have been quite a trip. I've gone back and forth between hating your guts, wanting you back in my arms, wishing I could apologize, worrying about you, worrying about *the other woman's name* and the baby, and feeling sorry for myself… Mess… But I've decided that the most important thing is to worry about you.
Ex: That's quite the list of emotions. Yeah, I'm doing just OK. I've been all over the place too.
Me: Look, I'm… I'm sorry for the vitriol in my email. I shouldn't have kicked you when you were down.
Ex: (looks away) you know… I blocked out most things about the first few months of this year. It's been a tidal wave. Don't worry about it. I just gotta get away from it all, take a break, get it all out of my system.
Me: You haven't done that yet, huh? You've been saying you need a vacation for years now. I wish I could help. I really do. I want to be a good friend you can talk to again. I don't know if I can. I'm strong, but I'm not made of iron. (crying again.)
Ex: I… I'm… I don't know….
Me: (pulling myself together) You know what? You have enough friends. You have a support system. And most importantly, you have a partner now. You don't need me. I'm being totally--well, mostly--selfish by coming here to talk with you. I just wanted to make sure you're going to be OK before I… (deep breath) let you go.
Ex: Hmmm…. I think I'll be OK. But I don't want to let you go... (trails away, then refocuses.) But I won't stop you from whatever you want to do…
Me: OK, so that's how it is?
Ex: What's how it is?
Me: All vague and passive?
Ex: (furrows his brow) Look, maybe we should just continue to agree not to talk with each other. I don't like the insinuations here, and I can tell you don't like how I affect you.
(I purse my lips, stand up, turn on my heels, and leave.)
______________
Take 3--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: (forcedly casual) so, how are things?
Ex: You know, the usual. Chug chug chug. Big deadline coming up. How are things with you?
Me: You know, the usual. Kids are doing great. I'm working on my degree, staying active, doing my garden… life is good
Ex: Holding down the fort as usual. Good good.
(long uncomfortable pause)
Ex: So… why are you here?
Me: Why should I tell you? You don't give explanations for the shit you do.
Ex: Wow. Touché… (sits up straight, slightly uneasy, slightly angry)
Me: Sorry, I'm not trying to be all mysterious. Sorry to let my anger show. I don't really know why I'm here. I guess I want closure of some sort. I don't think you are capable of providing it though. So I guess the next best thing is to see your face, study you one last time, check in to see that you're alright.
Ex: Hmmm. *insert one of his random cryptic brief phrases here*
Me: That doesn't even make sense. You know, I can't figure out why I fell in love with you. I mean, I do know why, partially. On one hand, we have so much in common, values-wise and experience-wise. On the other hand, so much about you frightens me.
Ex: Frightens you? Whaa...?
Me: yep, and maybe I'm here to face my fears, and find a way not to be disgusted by them somehow. I don't like fear; it irritates me.
Ex: Hmmm, well, I don't like to be disgusting. So how long is your psychoanalysis going to take? I do need to get my work done today.
(I can tell he's pissed off. I'm pissed off as well. I'm trying not to be caustic and condescending.)
Me: (airily) No more time. I'm done. (pause) Look, I wish we could be friends. I wish it were possible.
Ex: yeah, well, life is weird and shit.
Me: I know you have a lot on your plate--grief, anxiety, overwhelming responsibility. But I feel like I have to know, though. Despite everything else going on with you, did you learn anything from what happened with me? I mean, is my perspective close to correct, that you were using me, you lied to me, you tried to cover up what was really going on? Do you, at very least, see how that hurt?
Ex: I'm sorry you got hurt. I really am. Look, maybe I didn't do the best job of communicating things. I wasn't intentionally doing anything to you. I thought we had made things clear about our relationship. (pointed glance) I don't think it's my fault you took things so personally. Not trying to be a jackass. I just don't see much to learn here though.
Me: (flatly) Oh really. (glare at him)
(pause)
Me: (coolly) OK. Well, another example of the power of perception.
Ex: (face softens a bit) Hey… you're a great person. You've enriched my life a lot. And you deserve to be happy. Everything from a few months ago was such a mess. I didn't know which way was up. You were going through your own personal shit too. I don't think there's much to take from the situation, except we were both confused and overwhelmed, we comforted each other a bit, and grew apart, and life got messy. No hard feelings. I wish I could get you to relax.
Me: (can't stop glaring) I wish I could get you to look for meaning a bit more. I worry that you'll hurt someone else. (rolling eyes) Oh well, whatever. My bad. Sorry to bother you. (I get up and leave).
_________________
I feel like I'll have reached a great point of healing when i can write one of these conversations that doesn't end with me leaving the table mad and upset. If I can make it honest to the situation, but with a peaceful, loving, releasing resolution, I will feel great. Right now I can't see how that would work, but I think I'm getting closer.
So lately I've sensed that the next (and one of the final) step in really letting go would be to envision going back to that coffee shop where we first re-met. Such a powerful memory-invoking place for me.
I imagine seeing him working on his computer at a table. I glide over, and sit down across from him, startling him out of his work.
Tears would start falling from my eyes, I know it. What would I say?
What would he say?
Tonight, the conversations play themselves out like this (though it may change tomorrow, and would most definitely be different if it actually happened in real life)
Take 1--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: Me too. (sigh) I could say so much, bore you out of your mind. I won't, though. I just wanted you to know that... I worry about you, I worry about your new little family, and beyond the feelings I'm going through, I really want you to be OK. And the baby… and *the other woman's name*… (crying, then catching myself with a deep breath.)
Ex: Hey, I'll be fine. You don't look too good, though.
Me: Don't worry about me. I'm always fine. This is nothing. (Standing up) I gotta go. I don't know how to say what I want to say, but… it was good to see you. I just… I… wish I could take back some of what I wrote to you.
Ex: Nah, you had good reasons. I'm a dickhead, I know it. Good to see you too.
Me: Don't drink too much, OK? The baby needs you to keep it real. I worry about your drinking.
Ex: (Smirky smile) It's all good
Me, to myself in my head: (He hasn't changed. This hasn't affected him one bit. He's so blind. What am I doing, loving an asshole like this? I want to leave, and yet I want to cling to him. How ridiculous. He wants me to cling to him, jerk. How do I exit this situation gracefully? What can I say to at least shake him up a bit?)
Me: And you know what? Don't be an asshole to *the other woman's name*. Get your head on right. Man up, face up, grow up. She deserves better than what I got. That's all. (I'm completely red-faced at my audacity to lecture him, so I turn and march out, feeling like that was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.)
_____________
Take 2--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: Well… (uncomfortable pause) The past few months have been quite a trip. I've gone back and forth between hating your guts, wanting you back in my arms, wishing I could apologize, worrying about you, worrying about *the other woman's name* and the baby, and feeling sorry for myself… Mess… But I've decided that the most important thing is to worry about you.
Ex: That's quite the list of emotions. Yeah, I'm doing just OK. I've been all over the place too.
Me: Look, I'm… I'm sorry for the vitriol in my email. I shouldn't have kicked you when you were down.
Ex: (looks away) you know… I blocked out most things about the first few months of this year. It's been a tidal wave. Don't worry about it. I just gotta get away from it all, take a break, get it all out of my system.
Me: You haven't done that yet, huh? You've been saying you need a vacation for years now. I wish I could help. I really do. I want to be a good friend you can talk to again. I don't know if I can. I'm strong, but I'm not made of iron. (crying again.)
Ex: I… I'm… I don't know….
Me: (pulling myself together) You know what? You have enough friends. You have a support system. And most importantly, you have a partner now. You don't need me. I'm being totally--well, mostly--selfish by coming here to talk with you. I just wanted to make sure you're going to be OK before I… (deep breath) let you go.
Ex: Hmmm…. I think I'll be OK. But I don't want to let you go... (trails away, then refocuses.) But I won't stop you from whatever you want to do…
Me: OK, so that's how it is?
Ex: What's how it is?
Me: All vague and passive?
Ex: (furrows his brow) Look, maybe we should just continue to agree not to talk with each other. I don't like the insinuations here, and I can tell you don't like how I affect you.
(I purse my lips, stand up, turn on my heels, and leave.)
______________
Take 3--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: (forcedly casual) so, how are things?
Ex: You know, the usual. Chug chug chug. Big deadline coming up. How are things with you?
Me: You know, the usual. Kids are doing great. I'm working on my degree, staying active, doing my garden… life is good
Ex: Holding down the fort as usual. Good good.
(long uncomfortable pause)
Ex: So… why are you here?
Me: Why should I tell you? You don't give explanations for the shit you do.
Ex: Wow. Touché… (sits up straight, slightly uneasy, slightly angry)
Me: Sorry, I'm not trying to be all mysterious. Sorry to let my anger show. I don't really know why I'm here. I guess I want closure of some sort. I don't think you are capable of providing it though. So I guess the next best thing is to see your face, study you one last time, check in to see that you're alright.
Ex: Hmmm. *insert one of his random cryptic brief phrases here*
Me: That doesn't even make sense. You know, I can't figure out why I fell in love with you. I mean, I do know why, partially. On one hand, we have so much in common, values-wise and experience-wise. On the other hand, so much about you frightens me.
Ex: Frightens you? Whaa...?
Me: yep, and maybe I'm here to face my fears, and find a way not to be disgusted by them somehow. I don't like fear; it irritates me.
Ex: Hmmm, well, I don't like to be disgusting. So how long is your psychoanalysis going to take? I do need to get my work done today.
(I can tell he's pissed off. I'm pissed off as well. I'm trying not to be caustic and condescending.)
Me: (airily) No more time. I'm done. (pause) Look, I wish we could be friends. I wish it were possible.
Ex: yeah, well, life is weird and shit.
Me: I know you have a lot on your plate--grief, anxiety, overwhelming responsibility. But I feel like I have to know, though. Despite everything else going on with you, did you learn anything from what happened with me? I mean, is my perspective close to correct, that you were using me, you lied to me, you tried to cover up what was really going on? Do you, at very least, see how that hurt?
Ex: I'm sorry you got hurt. I really am. Look, maybe I didn't do the best job of communicating things. I wasn't intentionally doing anything to you. I thought we had made things clear about our relationship. (pointed glance) I don't think it's my fault you took things so personally. Not trying to be a jackass. I just don't see much to learn here though.
Me: (flatly) Oh really. (glare at him)
(pause)
Me: (coolly) OK. Well, another example of the power of perception.
Ex: (face softens a bit) Hey… you're a great person. You've enriched my life a lot. And you deserve to be happy. Everything from a few months ago was such a mess. I didn't know which way was up. You were going through your own personal shit too. I don't think there's much to take from the situation, except we were both confused and overwhelmed, we comforted each other a bit, and grew apart, and life got messy. No hard feelings. I wish I could get you to relax.
Me: (can't stop glaring) I wish I could get you to look for meaning a bit more. I worry that you'll hurt someone else. (rolling eyes) Oh well, whatever. My bad. Sorry to bother you. (I get up and leave).
_________________
I feel like I'll have reached a great point of healing when i can write one of these conversations that doesn't end with me leaving the table mad and upset. If I can make it honest to the situation, but with a peaceful, loving, releasing resolution, I will feel great. Right now I can't see how that would work, but I think I'm getting closer.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Goddess, part 3
My son suffers because he misses his dad. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I worry that he will be permanently disadvantaged. He already shows signs of anxiety, which might just be due to his inheriting high sensitivity from me. But I wonder if he is going to be OK.
Yesterday he was feeling anxious, grumpy, and jumpy, and I took him into my arms to try to calm him down. I didn't know what to say. I thought back to my reading about having goddess energy flow through me, and I asked myself, "what would goddess say?"
An image came to me of the earth and the plants that grow in the earth, and I started telling my son about the dandelions he loves to play with in our yard.
"Did you know that if you pick a dandelion it will grow back? In fact, you can pull all the leaves off of the dandelion, or mow it with the lawn mower, or step on it. You can even pull out part of the root. And in the winter, all the leaves will turn brown because it's so cold. And guess what always happens?"
"What?" he asked with wide eyes.
"The dandelion grows back. It always grows back."
He smiled really big and clapped his hands. "Really??!!"
"Yes!" I was feeling relieved that this was working. "And you know what? We can do that do. Even if something bad happens to us, we can still grow back and be pretty and be alive."
Goddess, I hope that's true.
Yesterday he was feeling anxious, grumpy, and jumpy, and I took him into my arms to try to calm him down. I didn't know what to say. I thought back to my reading about having goddess energy flow through me, and I asked myself, "what would goddess say?"
An image came to me of the earth and the plants that grow in the earth, and I started telling my son about the dandelions he loves to play with in our yard.
"Did you know that if you pick a dandelion it will grow back? In fact, you can pull all the leaves off of the dandelion, or mow it with the lawn mower, or step on it. You can even pull out part of the root. And in the winter, all the leaves will turn brown because it's so cold. And guess what always happens?"
"What?" he asked with wide eyes.
"The dandelion grows back. It always grows back."
He smiled really big and clapped his hands. "Really??!!"
"Yes!" I was feeling relieved that this was working. "And you know what? We can do that do. Even if something bad happens to us, we can still grow back and be pretty and be alive."
Goddess, I hope that's true.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Goddess, part 2
There was an offer for a free mini-reading by a Kabbalistic astrologer lately. Gotta admit, a lot of articles on that site go right on over my head, but I signed up for the free mini-reading. What she said resonated with me in
many ways.
Your north node is in Cancer in the first house. You are here to reconnect with the goddess and to channel the divine feminine through your own strengths and gifts. Jupiter’s transit through Cancer will increase the goddess energy in the world at large. You have many planets in the fourth house which could indicate strong past lives of a more masculine nature. With Venus in the 8th house in Aquarius, you are being guided by great women and sacred muses of the past to bring forth beauty in this age. You have gifts of creativity and a strong individualistic streak. You are motivated by a sense of service and have a strong work ethic. With the moon at your midheaven in Pisces, your career will involve sharing your creative gifts through the world.... On a deeper level north node in Cancer could also be growing towards nurturing or teaching others, or opening to unconditional love as a source of musical inspiration. With Jupiter at 6deg13′ Scorpio in your 5th house you have some heavenly assistance with your music. ...
I liked this reading. There's a lot to unpack there, but I was particularly curious about the "goddess" part.
As I said before, I'm ambiguous about the goddess idea (and the god idea too), but I do feel that our society needs more variety in what is considered "feminine." So I'm not particularly offended by the word "goddess."
The person doing this reading didn't know I am, in fact, deeply creative, so it was encouraging to read her telling me to develop my creative gifts, and that "great women and sacred muses of the past" could help me in this. In fact, I have been strongly inspired by great women of the past, such as Hildegaard von Bingen.
(Did you know, 350 years before Da Vinci made his Vitruvian Man, Hildegaard, a woman, created this:
Incredible.)
I wrote a choir piece using some of Hildegaard's text a couple years ago, and it's my only published piece so far.
And sometimes when I compose, I do feel I rely heavily on "heavenly assistance" (a term which I only say to quote the reading, and because there's really not a good replacement term for it yet. I prefer to reference the ancient Greek concept of "muses," which I don't believe in literally, but it references the mysterious, transcendent quality I sometimes feel when I create art.)
Anyway, imagination is a powerful tool, and maybe imagining goddesses helping me through life could be beneficial. If I suspend disbelief just enough to let it help me, maybe...
Your north node is in Cancer in the first house. You are here to reconnect with the goddess and to channel the divine feminine through your own strengths and gifts. Jupiter’s transit through Cancer will increase the goddess energy in the world at large. You have many planets in the fourth house which could indicate strong past lives of a more masculine nature. With Venus in the 8th house in Aquarius, you are being guided by great women and sacred muses of the past to bring forth beauty in this age. You have gifts of creativity and a strong individualistic streak. You are motivated by a sense of service and have a strong work ethic. With the moon at your midheaven in Pisces, your career will involve sharing your creative gifts through the world.... On a deeper level north node in Cancer could also be growing towards nurturing or teaching others, or opening to unconditional love as a source of musical inspiration. With Jupiter at 6deg13′ Scorpio in your 5th house you have some heavenly assistance with your music. ...
I liked this reading. There's a lot to unpack there, but I was particularly curious about the "goddess" part.
As I said before, I'm ambiguous about the goddess idea (and the god idea too), but I do feel that our society needs more variety in what is considered "feminine." So I'm not particularly offended by the word "goddess."
The person doing this reading didn't know I am, in fact, deeply creative, so it was encouraging to read her telling me to develop my creative gifts, and that "great women and sacred muses of the past" could help me in this. In fact, I have been strongly inspired by great women of the past, such as Hildegaard von Bingen.
(Did you know, 350 years before Da Vinci made his Vitruvian Man, Hildegaard, a woman, created this:
I wrote a choir piece using some of Hildegaard's text a couple years ago, and it's my only published piece so far.
And sometimes when I compose, I do feel I rely heavily on "heavenly assistance" (a term which I only say to quote the reading, and because there's really not a good replacement term for it yet. I prefer to reference the ancient Greek concept of "muses," which I don't believe in literally, but it references the mysterious, transcendent quality I sometimes feel when I create art.)
Anyway, imagination is a powerful tool, and maybe imagining goddesses helping me through life could be beneficial. If I suspend disbelief just enough to let it help me, maybe...
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Goddess, part 1
I haven't been too sure what to think about the goddess movement. I'm not a fan of deities of any kind, really, so I just ignore most paganist stuff. Not really my bag, though I'm happy that others find it useful. I will say, I was happy to free myself from a masculine-only concept of God, when I was identifying as a Christian, but all my years of being steeped in traditional Christianity made me uncomfortable addressing God as "she" in my prayers. I don't have that problem anymore... but then again, I rarely pray with words anymore, except as knee-jerk reactions to anxiety, or in social situations where it is appropriate. (I do find myself in wordless prayerful attitudes, where I imagine connecting with a higher energy, and flowing thoughts of love or peace to the people I'm praying for.)
However, at a symbolic level, a mythical level, goddesses are fun to think about. They provide a validity for femininity, a rich and varied set of models for what it means to be female. They can be a refreshing break from the extremely narrow definition of femininity in our society.
Who knows, maybe there are powerful spiritual entities that are mainly feminine, that can influence us. I'm not ruling out the remote possibility.
Several months ago, while shopping at the Dollar Store (of all places!) I saw a piece of art that called to me. It was irresistible, and I still don't know why. It's not my normal preferred style of art, and I'm neither Catholic nor Mexican, but I just had to get this painting. And it was affordable. Here it is on my bedroom wall:
My logical brain finds the story behind Our Lady of Guadalupe suspicious. It provided a convenient way for the conquering Spaniards to convince the pagan locals to adopt their religion -- the Marian apparition wore the blue-green color considered divine by the indegenous Aztecs, her face was originally dark like theirs, and many other subtle cues in the icon were meant to provide a bridge for the locals to be able to look favorably on Catholicism. Personally, I doubt the apparition actually happened.
Phenomenologically, though Our Lady of Guadalupe has been a huge success. She has been a cultural "rubber-band" to unite the disparate entities in the country of Mexico. Wars have been fought in her name, yes, which is bad, but she was on the side of those seeking to overthrow oppression and dominance, which justifies it, a little bit. But she has provided comfort, solidarity, and reassurance to thousands of people over the centuries. Overall, I think, she has been a positive force.
I'm not sure what any of this has to do with me, but I find myself mysteriously inspired, still, when I see this (otherwise tacky artistically-speaking... it's very pop-art-ish...) painting on my wall. Do I have a goddess trying to speak to me?
However, at a symbolic level, a mythical level, goddesses are fun to think about. They provide a validity for femininity, a rich and varied set of models for what it means to be female. They can be a refreshing break from the extremely narrow definition of femininity in our society.
Who knows, maybe there are powerful spiritual entities that are mainly feminine, that can influence us. I'm not ruling out the remote possibility.
Several months ago, while shopping at the Dollar Store (of all places!) I saw a piece of art that called to me. It was irresistible, and I still don't know why. It's not my normal preferred style of art, and I'm neither Catholic nor Mexican, but I just had to get this painting. And it was affordable. Here it is on my bedroom wall:
My logical brain finds the story behind Our Lady of Guadalupe suspicious. It provided a convenient way for the conquering Spaniards to convince the pagan locals to adopt their religion -- the Marian apparition wore the blue-green color considered divine by the indegenous Aztecs, her face was originally dark like theirs, and many other subtle cues in the icon were meant to provide a bridge for the locals to be able to look favorably on Catholicism. Personally, I doubt the apparition actually happened.
Phenomenologically, though Our Lady of Guadalupe has been a huge success. She has been a cultural "rubber-band" to unite the disparate entities in the country of Mexico. Wars have been fought in her name, yes, which is bad, but she was on the side of those seeking to overthrow oppression and dominance, which justifies it, a little bit. But she has provided comfort, solidarity, and reassurance to thousands of people over the centuries. Overall, I think, she has been a positive force.
I'm not sure what any of this has to do with me, but I find myself mysteriously inspired, still, when I see this (otherwise tacky artistically-speaking... it's very pop-art-ish...) painting on my wall. Do I have a goddess trying to speak to me?
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