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This used to be a blog dedicated to one of my interests, dream interpretation. I have decided to expand it to include thoughts about pretty much Everything.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Dialogues toward healing

In my process of healing from a breakup that affected me deeply, I've recently felt that imagining a conversation with him would be helpful.  I can't really talk with him anymore, because back when it happened, due to the nature of the situation, I felt that the right thing to do was to cut off communication with him. Not being able to talk with him --to process what happened-- has been hard, though.

So lately I've sensed that the next (and one of the final) step in really letting go would be to envision going back to that coffee shop where we first re-met.  Such a powerful memory-invoking place for me.
I imagine seeing him working on his computer at a table.  I glide over, and sit down across from him, startling him out of his work.
Tears would start falling from my eyes, I know it.  What would I say?
What would he say?

Tonight, the conversations play themselves out like this (though it may change tomorrow, and would most definitely be different if it actually happened in real life)

Take 1--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: Me too.  (sigh) I could say so much, bore you out of your mind. I won't, though. I just wanted you to know that... I worry about you, I worry about your new little family, and beyond the feelings I'm going through, I really want you to be OK.  And the baby… and *the other woman's name*… (crying, then catching myself with a deep breath.)
Ex: Hey, I'll be fine. You don't look too good, though.
Me: Don't worry about me. I'm always fine. This is nothing. (Standing up)  I gotta go.  I don't know how to say what I want to say, but… it was good to see you. I just… I… wish I could take back some of what I wrote to you.
Ex: Nah, you had good reasons. I'm a dickhead, I know it.  Good to see you too.
Me: Don't drink too much, OK?  The baby needs you to keep it real. I worry about your drinking.
Ex: (Smirky smile) It's all good
Me, to myself in my head: (He hasn't changed. This hasn't affected him one bit. He's so blind. What am I doing, loving an asshole like this? I want to leave, and yet I want to cling to him. How ridiculous. He wants me to cling to him, jerk. How do I exit this situation gracefully?  What can I say to at least shake him up a bit?)
Me: And you know what? Don't be an asshole to *the other woman's name*. Get your head on right. Man up, face up, grow up. She deserves better than what I got.  That's all. (I'm completely red-faced at my audacity to lecture him, so I turn and march out, feeling like that was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.)

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Take 2--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: Well… (uncomfortable pause) The past few months have been quite a trip. I've gone back and forth between hating your guts, wanting you back in my arms, wishing I could apologize, worrying about you, worrying about *the other woman's name* and the baby, and feeling sorry for myself…  Mess… But I've decided that the most important thing is to worry about you.
Ex: That's quite the list of emotions. Yeah, I'm doing just OK.  I've been all over the place too.
Me: Look, I'm… I'm sorry for the vitriol in my email.  I shouldn't have kicked you when you were down.
Ex: (looks away) you know… I blocked out most things about the first few months of this year.  It's been a tidal wave.  Don't worry about it.  I just gotta get away from it all, take a break, get it all out of my system.
Me: You haven't done that yet, huh? You've been saying you need a vacation for years now.  I wish I could help.  I really do. I want to be a good friend you can talk to again.  I don't know if I can.  I'm strong, but I'm not made of iron. (crying again.)
Ex: I… I'm… I don't know….
Me: (pulling myself together) You know what? You have enough friends. You have a support system. And most importantly, you have a partner now.  You don't need me.  I'm being totally--well, mostly--selfish by coming here to talk with you. I just wanted to make sure you're going to be OK before I… (deep breath)  let you go.
Ex: Hmmm…. I think I'll be OK. But I don't want to let you go... (trails away, then refocuses.) But I won't stop you from whatever you want to do…
Me: OK, so that's how it is?
Ex: What's how it is?
Me: All vague and passive?
Ex: (furrows his brow) Look, maybe we should just continue to agree not to talk with each other. I don't like the insinuations here, and I can tell you don't like how I affect you.
(I purse my lips, stand up, turn on my heels, and leave.)

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Take 3--
Me: (approaching his table) *his name*. (Smiling pensively through my misty eyes)
Ex: My god! Give me a heart attack! What are you doing here?
Me: Looking for you…
Ex: (uncomfortable pause) That surprises me.
Me: (forcedly casual) so, how are things?
Ex: You know, the usual.  Chug chug chug. Big deadline coming up.  How are things with you?
Me: You know, the usual.  Kids are doing great. I'm working on my degree, staying active, doing my garden… life is good
Ex: Holding down the fort as usual. Good good.
(long uncomfortable pause)
Ex: So… why are you here?
Me: Why should I tell you? You don't give explanations for the shit you do.
Ex: Wow. Touché… (sits up straight, slightly uneasy, slightly angry)
Me: Sorry, I'm not trying to be all mysterious. Sorry to let my anger show.  I don't really know why I'm here.  I guess I want closure of some sort. I don't think you are capable of providing it though.  So I guess the next best thing is to see your face, study you one last time, check in to see that you're alright.
Ex: Hmmm. *insert one of his random cryptic brief phrases here*
Me: That doesn't even make sense. You know, I can't figure out why I fell in love with you.  I mean, I do know why, partially.  On one hand, we have so much in common, values-wise and experience-wise.  On the other hand, so much about you frightens me.
Ex: Frightens you? Whaa...?
Me: yep, and maybe I'm here to face my fears, and find a way not to be disgusted by them somehow. I don't like fear; it irritates me.
Ex: Hmmm, well, I don't like to be disgusting.  So how long is your psychoanalysis going to take? I do need to get my work done today.
(I can tell he's pissed off. I'm pissed off as well. I'm trying not to be caustic and condescending.)
Me: (airily) No more time. I'm done. (pause)  Look, I wish we could be friends.  I wish it were possible.
Ex: yeah, well, life is weird and shit.
Me: I know you have a lot on your plate--grief, anxiety, overwhelming responsibility.  But I feel like I have to know, though.  Despite everything else going on with you, did you learn anything from what happened with me? I mean, is my perspective close to correct, that you were using me, you lied to me, you tried to cover up what was really going on? Do you, at very least, see how that hurt?
Ex: I'm sorry you got hurt. I really am.  Look, maybe I didn't do the best job of communicating things. I wasn't intentionally doing anything to you. I thought we had made things clear about our relationship. (pointed glance) I don't think it's my fault you took things so personally.  Not trying to be a jackass. I just don't see much to learn here though.
Me: (flatly) Oh really. (glare at him)
(pause)
Me: (coolly) OK. Well, another example of the power of perception.
Ex: (face softens a bit) Hey… you're a great person. You've enriched my life a lot.  And you deserve to be happy.  Everything from a few months ago was such a mess. I didn't know which way was up. You were going through your own personal shit too. I don't think there's much to take from the situation, except we were both confused and overwhelmed, we comforted each other a bit, and grew apart, and life got messy.  No hard feelings. I wish I could get you to relax.
Me: (can't stop glaring) I wish I could get you to look for meaning a bit more. I worry that you'll hurt someone else. (rolling eyes) Oh well, whatever. My bad. Sorry to bother you. (I get up and leave).
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I feel like I'll have reached a great point of healing when i can write one of these conversations that doesn't end with me leaving the table mad and upset.  If I can make it honest to the situation, but with a peaceful, loving, releasing resolution, I will feel great. Right now I can't see how that would work, but I think I'm getting closer.

2 comments:

  1. You're very brave to be doing this. If I sat down and wrote imaginary conversations with my ex, the emotions would make me completely unable to function.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks. I'm fortunate in this case, because we didn't actually date very long. I fell in love way too fast... And he is, overall, a good guy. I don't think he meant to hurt me.

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