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This used to be a blog dedicated to one of my interests, dream interpretation. I have decided to expand it to include thoughts about pretty much Everything.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

exhaustion

I finally unenrolled myself from a couple online mom-forums I've been part of for awhile.  I decided I couldn't take it anymore.  There were many interesting and rewarding conversations along the way, but I think I'm done now.  There are recurring themes that get posted so often that really stress me out, and I'm tired of reading them.

Things like:
  • OMG look at this pee stick. Am I pregnant????  (You'll know for sure in a couple weeks.  Like, it'll be obvious.  You'll have no doubts. Chill the hell out.)
  • Is there a good, part-time work-from-home job I can get that isn't MLM or a scam, and doesn't require me to have a degree? (Nope.)
  • I really want another baby! I'm getting baby fever! (My god. Weren't you just here complaining about how tight money is, like yesterday?  So irresponsible to bring a child into the world if you can't afford to care for it.)
  • Oh golly gosh gee, I accidentally got pregnant, and we can't afford it. How am I going to tell my husband, and what are we going to do? (Um, get an abortion if you don't want to be pregnant. Take control over your life, ffs.)
  • What should we name our baby? (What names do YOU like? Why do you think random strangers on the internet should fucking name your child?)
I don't usually post these responses, because, well, they are considered abrasive.  (I actually like to troll the "name" posts by offering ideas like "name him Bratwurst!  Or I love the name Beelzebub!")  But god, I THINK them, ha ha.  And I'm tired of thinking them and getting mad at people for being dumb, or refusing to take power over their lives, or refusing to think for themselves.  But the one that really makes me furious, and which comes up almost daily is some long, rambling, frustrated narrative that basically boils down to this:

I'm so exhausted.

I'm not mad that women are exhausted!  Far from it.  I'm mad because the vast majority of the time, these women have husbands or boyfriends they are living with.  And when you bring up the question of "why doesn't your partner help out with chores / parenting / home management / stress?" there's always some explanation.  Some of the time these women make excuses for the men, but most of the time they are angry with them but end up saying, "what can I do? He just doesn't get it."

Oh, this pisses me off.  So much.

What can you do?  Woman!  Where is your warrior spirit?  Where is your dignity?  Where is your self esteem?

Listen, it really is as simple as this:

If you are exhausted, and your partner isn't exhausted right along with you, it means he doesn't love you.  (In most cases.  I know-- there are cases where he's deployed or works away from home, or she has some kind of chronic illness, etc.  But the vast majority of the time, he's just choosing not to pull his weight.)  And if he doesn't love you, why the hell are you with him?  


Love has many definitions, but all of them include at least the general desire for the well-being of the beloved.  And exhaustion is the opposite of well-being.  Especially chronic exhaustion.  Exhaustion erodes your mental health, it erodes your physical health, it erodes your ability to connect with who you are and why you are alive.  Exhaustion is not something to take lightly.  If your partner is reporting being exhausted, you should be very concerned!  You should be right next to her asking, "how can I help make this better?  What needs to be done?"  You should be working yourself until you are as exhausted as she is, or finding a way to reduce her load so she isn't exhausted anymore.  That's what it means to love someone.  To care for their fundamental well-being.  If that's not happening, that's not love.  It's possession, or lust, or something else. It's not love.

I really don't understand why the idea that men should share equally in the parenting and household responsibilities is so goddamn controversial.  (I mean, I do, because I was raised religious, but ... if you think about it, it's so fucking illogical!) I don't understand why people make excuses for this behavior or throw their hands up and say they can't do anything to change their man's mind.  How about discussing it thoroughly with him to explain how unfair it is and how exhausted you are, and trying to come up with a plan?  Like, each of you has an equal number of chores you're responsible for.  Or each of you works on chores for an hour per day, and you trade days where you cook dinner.  Or, or... There are plenty of fair arrangements that can be made.  If discussing it doesn't work, your relationship is really screwed... because it means he doesn't listen and doesn't care how you feel.  But you could always try ultimatums, I suppose.  Or, since he's acting like a child, treat him like one and don't give him dinner if he doesn't do his goddamn chores.  And if none of that works, you should make a plan... and you should leave him.  I know it's complicated to leave, and I'm not making light of that, but that's really what you should do, woman.

I'm a single mom, and yes, being single sucks in many ways.  The loneliness sucks, the lack of support sucks, the vulnerability sucks.  But at the end of the day, I have my dignity, my self-respect, and my integrity. Quantitatively it might seem better to "settle" and have at least some support with life stuff than to have none.  But qualitatively, it's better not to settle.  I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I stood up for myself and refused to be made a doormat.  If I'm exhausted, and I am often, at least I don't have added to my already heavy burden, the rage of looking over at a "partner" who is sitting there NOT exhausted, and feeling how unjust it is.

This opinion seems to be controversial, for some reason, judging from how people react when I post things like this. It just seems logical to me. So I'm not going to raise my blood pressure any more by exposing myself to these posts on a regular basis. I'll go on living my awesome, exciting life, mom-forum-free.  Let me know if you want my opinion.