Accepting and loving myself

I strive to love myself, and most days I do. I love my unique blend of abilities to think, to feel, to intuit, to attract, to act, and to control.  

Think. Feel. Intuit. Attract. Act. Control.  

These are all vital functions of the psyche.  I could wish for a little more in the intuition and attraction departments, but mostly, I am grateful. Everyone is unique, and everyone has a place in the world. I like how I was made. If anyone tries to change me, I react with scorn and indignation.  I am grateful for who I am!

I do wish I were better at releasing the right functions at the right time.  Sometimes I Think when I should be Feeling, or Act when I should be Intuiting, and so on.  But... I suppose... Who's in charge of "should"? It's a matter of using the function at the right time that gets a result that makes me happy, ultimately. But I am not very good at judging which is the right one for the situation, nor of controlling which one rises up, when. It's like each function has a mind of its own and rises up when it wants to. It often produces awkward moments, where I feel out of place with the world, unsure of myself and unhappy with the results. But even this awkwardness, if it is what it is, is how I was made, and I should love it. I'm doing me. And I'm trying to love it.  Maybe I will get more skilled in regulating and controlling all of these functions as I grow older and keep trying.

The function I have been pondering a lot lately is the Thinking function.  It might be my strongest one.  It's my default.  I am very conscientious--I have a very strong sense of "should," and always strive for what is "right."  I have a firm grasp on reality, and a head for logic.  I am critical and skeptical.  I love this about myself. It keeps me honest, open minded, realistic, consistent, and accurate. It sometimes paralyzes me in over-analysis, which can be annoying. And it sometimes leads me to self-judgement and  harshness, which sometimes leaks out onto others as well.  If people only knew-- as judgmental as I can be of others, I'm 100 times more so with myself. 

So, obviously, this trait can be dysfunctional, but it has a lot of strengths, too. I am an excellent editor. I can figure things out. I can create structures and systems that work flawlessly. I can see through bullshit.  I can discuss intellectual ideas.  

To love my strengths is to remove the poison from them, preventing them from becoming weaknesses. Right? So the theory goes; we shall see. Loving myself. It's no small thing.  Because despite how hard I've tried, my life hasn't been what I wanted.

I do hope I can do better than I have in the past to make the most use out of how I was made. Looking back, I think I have wasted a lot of what I was given, even though I always tried so hard. But I can't change that. Only now counts.  I hope I can learn to be as grateful for my past as I am for the present and for my potentials. 

This is why I react so strongly against someone trying to change me, even slightly. Nobody has the right to control me, and nobody has the capability of, or motivation for, scrutinizing my life as I, myself, already do. Nobody could be more serious about improving my life than I already am, and nobody understands the long string of circumstances and choices that brought me to where I am. Nobody knows more deeply than I do, that in each circumstance that arose in my life, I tried my absolute hardest to do what was right. For anyone to presume that they know better, that they can take over my ability to think, is highly insulting.  Maybe I overreact a bit when it happens, I don't know...

I struggle with the fact that I struggle. It's a weird tension between loving what is and working for making things better.  If I love what is, what motivation do I have to notice injustice, dysfunction, imbalance, and suffering, and to use my gifts to alleviate those things? How do I find the resolution between these two things--resting in what is and working towards what should be? 

And then, how can I both love myself and come to terms with the fact that "me-doing-me" sometimes leads to mistakes, pain, suffering, and injustice? When I am harsh with myself, I know that is violence and ingratitude, but maybe me being harsh with myself is also part of who I am. Why would I shut down part of who I am, if I am supposed to love who I am?  How do I resolve this, grow through it, and hold on to love?

Flashes of grace

"Suddenly it hit me, what these men were doing," my aunt explained. "I stood up, walked out of that room, and told myself that I'd never go back again, and boom, that was it. I never did. It was so easy."

My aunt spent years in a large, well-known cult. She left a few times, but always felt guilty, due to the brainwashing she had gone through, and went back to them. I was talking with her the other day, and she was explaining how she finally was able to break free.  She had spent a couple years of independence from the cult, but felt guilty and contacted the leaders of her particular church again to ask about rejoining. These men told her she had to come in and be interviewed by them, to see if she was worthy and had repented adequately, to be allowed back into the fold.  They interrogated her for over two hours, asking her about every detail of what she had done while she was away from them.  They were especially interested in her sex life, asking for minute details on every move. 

At first, she was ashamed and so desperate for their approval (which they had managed to conflate with the approval of God), she gave them everything they asked for.  But at some point at near the end of the conversation, for reasons mysterious even to her, she suddenly just saw what was going on.  She saw the reality of the spiritual and emotional abuse, and she saw the greed, lust, and authoritarianism of the men who were trying to control her.  Boom.  The revelation hit her with such force, it filled her with the strength to do what she had not been able to do before--leave the church forever.  It was so easy, once she had that revelation.  But she didn't work for it or try to make it happen. Her intent originally was actually to go back to the church.  But suddenly -- boom -- awakening.  Where did this come from?

Let's call it grace.  (Kind of a funny term for this story, since my aunt is an atheist now, and the term "grace" is usually assumed as coming from God. Funny!)

I had a similar experience, but on a much smaller scale.  I bought my first car when I was 16, and it was a beater. There were always things breaking down on it, and my parents were the type to make me pay for my own expenses (which I think is a great lesson and plan to raise my kids the same way). Money was always tight, though.  Eventually i developed a pretty strong anxiety about the car and especially the money around the car.  I had several quite large (for me) car repair expenses pop up over the course of my high school and college years, and they were hard for me to deal with.  I bought books about car repair, to try to assuage my anxiety, so that I could feel like I knew what the mechanics were talking about and that I wouldn't be taken advantage of.

There was one time, I think it was shortly after I graduated college, when I got news of a car repair needed, and I was worried about how I was going to pay for it.  I was driving down the road, worrying, trying not to worry, trying to think, trying to pray, when suddenly out of nowhere--boom-- an incredible peace.  It was like a voice filled my entire body and mind, "Don't worry about the car. It's going to be fine, and you'll always be able to afford it."  It was like a huge weight on my shoulders just dissolved, and I knew everything was going to work out.  The anxiety was completely gone.

Ever since then, I haven't had anxiety around my car issues.  Things come up, and I'm able to handle them.  Not always easily, of course.  Large repairs have still come up to be dealt with.  Decisions have to be made.  Insurance is a convoluted mess.  I have duct tape holding my rear bumper on at the moment.  But I'm just not worried about it.  I'm able to achieve the right balance of spending the cognitive effort required to handle car issues, without falling into anxiety. 

The thing is, I totally can't take credit for this, except that I'm a responsible adult who does adult things like buying insurance and maintaining a car.  I mean the anxiety part.  The release from that was just plopped into my lap out of nowhere.  Boom.  Gone. "Don't worry about the car," and I never did ever again.  I didn't have to try not to worry.  I didn't go through any kinds of rituals to release the worry or cope with it better.  I just didn't worry about it anymore.  It was 100% a gift. From where? Who can say? Grace.

I'm grateful for this.  There have been a few other flashes of grace I've experienced, including a physical healing, and they are amazing when they happen.  I know several other stories of other people experiencing these powerful flashes of grace, and they are inspiring to hear.

But I also find them problematic as well.  Why are they so rare?  Why do we have to struggle with so many things, while others are just handed to us?  Why do some people experience more grace than others?  Is there actually a formula to these flashes, that we all just accidentally used without knowing it... Could we find a way to force them to happen?  What's going on?

If grace were coming from an intelligent consciousness of some kind, that consciousness would have to be an evil one, like an abusive parent or partner.  The vast majority of people who commit emotional abuse are not awful and cruel 100% of the time. It is actually more cruel to be sometimes kind and warm, and other times terrible, because it confuses the victim and takes away more of their power.  If you're horrible all the time, people can predict what's going to happen, and have a measure of control over their lives.  It's much worse to be cruel only some of the time, and make those times random.
A consciousness powerful enough to provide support and relief  for life's problems, but only does it some of the time, is not a good one.  Aaaannnnd, we're getting into theodicy again...

Back to grace.  What's going on?   Is it something related to alternate universes and boundaries on how far alternate realities are allowed to branch out?  Alignment of the stars? A higher self or unconscious deep mind?  Wouldn't it be great to know?

exhaustion

I finally unenrolled myself from a couple online mom-forums I've been part of for awhile.  I decided I couldn't take it anymore.  There were many interesting and rewarding conversations along the way, but I think I'm done now.  There are recurring themes that get posted so often that really stress me out, and I'm tired of reading them.

Things like:

• OMG look at this pee stick. Am I pregnant????  (You'll know for sure in a couple weeks.  Like, it'll be obvious.  You'll have no doubts. Chill the hell out.)
• Is there a good, part-time work-from-home job I can get that isn't MLM or a scam, and doesn't require me to have a degree? (Nope.)
• I really want another baby! I'm getting baby fever! (My god. Weren't you just here complaining about how tight money is, like yesterday?  So irresponsible to bring a child into the world if you can't afford to care for it.)
• Oh golly gosh gee, I accidentally got pregnant, and we can't afford it. How am I going to tell my husband, and what are we going to do? (Um, get an abortion if you don't want to be pregnant. Take control over your life, ffs.)
• What should we name our baby? (What names do YOU like? Why do you think random strangers on the internet should fucking name your child?)

I don't usually post these responses, because, well, they are considered abrasive.  (I actually like to troll the "name" posts by offering ideas like "name him Bratwurst!  Or I love the name Beelzebub!")  But god, I THINK them, ha ha.  And I'm tired of thinking them and getting mad at people for being dumb, or refusing to take power over their lives, or refusing to think for themselves.  But the one that really makes me furious, and which comes up almost daily is some long, rambling, frustrated narrative that basically boils down to this:

I'm so exhausted.

I'm not mad that women are exhausted!  Far from it.  I'm mad because the vast majority of the time, these women have husbands or boyfriends they are living with.  And when you bring up the question of "why doesn't your partner help out with chores / parenting / home management / stress?" there's always some explanation.  Some of the time these women make excuses for the men, but most of the time they are angry with them but end up saying, "what can I do? He just doesn't get it."

Oh, this pisses me off.  So much.

What can you do?  Woman!  Where is your warrior spirit?  Where is your dignity?  Where is your self esteem?

Listen, it really is as simple as this:

If you are exhausted, and your partner isn't exhausted right along with you, it means he doesn't love you.  (In most cases.  I know-- there are cases where he's deployed or works away from home, or she has some kind of chronic illness, etc.  But the vast majority of the time, he's just choosing not to pull his weight.)  And if he doesn't love you, why the hell are you with him?  

Love has many definitions, but all of them include at least the general desire for the well-being of the beloved.  And exhaustion is the opposite of well-being.  Especially chronic exhaustion.  Exhaustion erodes your mental health, it erodes your physical health, it erodes your ability to connect with who you are and why you are alive.  Exhaustion is not something to take lightly.  If your partner is reporting being exhausted, you should be very concerned!  You should be right next to her asking, "how can I help make this better?  What needs to be done?"  You should be working yourself until you are as exhausted as she is, or finding a way to reduce her load so she isn't exhausted anymore.  That's what it means to love someone.  To care for their fundamental well-being.  If that's not happening, that's not love.  It's possession, or lust, or something else. It's not love.

I really don't understand why the idea that men should share equally in the parenting and household responsibilities is so goddamn controversial.  (I mean, I do, because I was raised religious, but ... if you think about it, it's so fucking illogical!) I don't understand why people make excuses for this behavior or throw their hands up and say they can't do anything to change their man's mind.  How about discussing it thoroughly with him to explain how unfair it is and how exhausted you are, and trying to come up with a plan?  Like, each of you has an equal number of chores you're responsible for.  Or each of you works on chores for an hour per day, and you trade days where you cook dinner.  Or, or... There are plenty of fair arrangements that can be made.  If discussing it doesn't work, your relationship is really screwed... because it means he doesn't listen and doesn't care how you feel.  But you could always try ultimatums, I suppose.  Or, since he's acting like a child, treat him like one and don't give him dinner if he doesn't do his goddamn chores.  And if none of that works, you should make a plan... and you should leave him.  I know it's complicated to leave, and I'm not making light of that, but that's really what you should do, woman.

I'm a single mom, and yes, being single sucks in many ways.  The loneliness sucks, the lack of support sucks, the vulnerability sucks.  But at the end of the day, I have my dignity, my self-respect, and my integrity. Quantitatively it might seem better to "settle" and have at least some support with life stuff than to have none.  But qualitatively, it's better not to settle.  I need to be able to look myself in the mirror and say that I stood up for myself and refused to be made a doormat.  If I'm exhausted, and I am often, at least I don't have added to my already heavy burden, the rage of looking over at a "partner" who is sitting there NOT exhausted, and feeling how unjust it is.

This opinion seems to be controversial, for some reason, judging from how people react when I post things like this. It just seems logical to me. So I'm not going to raise my blood pressure any more by exposing myself to these posts on a regular basis. I'll go on living my awesome, exciting life, mom-forum-free.  Let me know if you want my opinion.

My friend Chuck

I just got the news that my friend Chuck committed suicide.  This is a truly tragic loss. I am in shock and grieving.

Part of the grieving process is feeling guilty. I knew he was going through a difficult time, but I wasn't as available as I should have been and wanted to be. I spoke to him a couple months ago, and meant to stay in touch. I  thought of him several times the past few weeks, and intended to call, but I didn't call.  Why didn't I call?  I let my own worries and life distractions prevent me from calling.  I wish I had called. It might have prevented it, it might not have, but at least he would have known, in his last moments, that I cared about him.

Part of the grieving process is anger. But it's mostly anger at the systems and the people who tormented him and drove him to take this final action.  His wife for being really nasty in the divorce process and alienating him from his kids, who were his life's joy. The legal system that makes divorce 100 times harder than it should be and allows people to torment other people. Our fake, materialistic culture that punishes creative and moral souls while rewarding those who are shallow and egotistical. Our mental health system for over-relying on drugs and profit while neglecting the human and compassionate approaches to treatment.  The American economy that doesn't look out for the weak or for people down on their luck.  The American Evangelical Christian culture of judgmentalism and brainwashing, creating presumed insiders and outsiders to God's love.  (I shudder to think what those horrible, evil church people are telling his beautiful children.  "Because your daddy didn't accept Jesus in his heart, he is now burning in hell!" Those idiotic, narrow-minded, nasty, brainwashed people! They have absolutely zero concept of true spirituality or the nature of God!)  I know Chuck made a choice, and the ultimate responsibility is on him.  I'm sure he regrets it now.  But I'm not angry at him. He had a terrible moment of weakness.  I'm angry at everything that drove him to feeling that he couldn't cope anymore.

I'm also a wee bit jealous, to be honest.  His suffering and struggles are over. He can find peace now.  I know it's terrible to say it, because this means his adorable children will suffer horrifically from losing him.  There's nothing that will make that easier or better or right.  But as far as Chuck is concerned, he is in a better place.  He doesn't have to struggle to find money, to find shelter, to shush the voices tormenting his mind, to worry about the legal strategies for getting to see his kids again, to worry about pleasing a boss or clients, or worry about anything else.

I can't afford to travel to Chicago to attend his funeral, and I'm feeling helpless to do anything to alleviate the situation. I don't know his family or most of his friends to be able to commiserate.  Chuck and I met through the online Atheism for Lent course, and have been good, distant, online friends ever since, but our daily-life circles didn't cross. I don't have money to contribute to the gofundme account for his children. I can't do anything.

I can't do anything, but I can honor the person he was, at least in my own small way.

I knew him as a truly good man. He was a devoted and caring father, and a survivor who overcame horrors most of us would be decimated by.  Despite all the difficulties in his life, his intelligence, creativity, wit, and profound morality shone through.  He was wise and self-aware.  He had not only a deep mental intelligence, but keen emotional intelligence as well.  He was not afraid to express his feelings, which is a rare trait for a man in today's world.

Physically, he was gentle and unimposing in appearance. But mentally he was formidable.  His knowledge on a host of subjects was vast, and his ability to navigate complicated philosophical subjects with deft ease was simply amazing.  I looked up to his intelligence, and greatly admired his ability to express it.  And yet, unlike many whose intelligence is far to the right on the bell curve, he was compassionate and never arrogant.  He would put you in your place if you needed it, but he never did so just to feel superior or to boost his ego.  He cared about truth and beauty and morality and experience, and was never shallow enough to play any kind of ego games.

Chuck also had great insight into the human psyche.  He was a playwright, and his plays he gave me the honor of reading explored tapestries of emotions without ever approaching either melodrama or kitsch.  He practiced meditation and non-judgmental, body-based emotional processing, and was not afraid to share his feelings openly with his friends.

The world is truly a worse-off place without Chuck to brighten it.  I miss him, and wish I could have at least said good-bye.

Calculations

34, 14, 1800, 2
Maybe these numbers mean nothing to you
The hairs on our heads are all numbered, 9, 3
Etched in my heart for eternity

The exchange

I asked God for a job
So I could feed my children
And God said, "Granted.

But in return, I will take away your ability to cook and bake
Deliciously.
Your gravy will be lumpy, your meat will be tough,
Your cookies will be burned on the edges,
And your pasta will cleave."
Then God turned into a coyote, howled at the moon, and disappeared.
And I was grateful.

Did the ancients understand precession sooner than we think they did?

Happy Summer Solstice! 

Quite by accident, yesterday I began thinking about a topic that turned out to be very timely to the subject of the solstice.  Here was my train of thought:

• For some reason, a reference to a lion reminded me of learning, in a Bible survey class I took in high school, about the Four Evangelists (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) being prophesied in the Book of Ezekiel, and reflected in the Book of Revelation.

• I hadn't thought about Biblical prophecy in a long time, and I was interested in re-examining this particular prophecy with fresh eyes.  

• I quickly decided that the Church's superimposition of the four Gospels onto these visions was irrelevant and colonial, but I was still fascinated by the original visions, because the beings referenced made sense to me in a different way than I had ever considered when I identified as a Christian. 

http://butlerstudios.blogspot.com/2010/05/ezekiels-wheel-icon.html

Here is the prophecy from Ezekiel chapter 1 (KJV, emphasis mine):

⁴ And I looked, and, behold, a whirlwind came out of the north, a great cloud, and a fire infolding itself, and a brightness was about it, and out of the midst thereof as the colour of amber, out of the midst of the fire.
⁵ Also out of the midst thereof came the likeness of four living creatures. And this was their appearance; they had the likeness of a man.
⁶ And every one had four faces, and every one had four wings.
...

 ¹⁰ As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.

...

²⁶ And above the firmament that was over their heads was the likeness of a throne, as the appearance of a sapphire stone: and upon the likeness of the throne was the likeness as the appearance of a man above upon it.

...

²⁸ As the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud in the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness round about. This was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord.

 Clearly, Ezekiel was viewing extra-dimensional beings.  (Wonder what drug he was taking!) Let's compare this with the vision of John the Beloved, in Revelation 4 (KJV, emphasis mine)

⁶ And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind.
⁷ And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle.
⁸ And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.
⁹ And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever...

The same animals appear in both visions, though in slightly different forms.  The animals are also relating to the Throne of God in both visions. The Book of Ezekiel is said to have been written in 593-571 BCE, while the prophet was in exile in Bablyon. (The exile period proved to be extremely influential on Jewish literature, culture, and theology, as any historian who's even cursorily studied the subject knows.)  The Book of Revelation was probably written somewhere around 85 CE.

I can't explain most of the content of those visions, but I think I do understand one thing.  It's difficult to understand today how these four beings: Ox, Lion, Eagle, and Man could be very much meaningfully related, but that's because astrology is no longer common knowledge.  Any ancient mystic would understand it.  These animals are four signs in the zodiac, and they are related by 90º angles to each other.

*the sign of Scorpio is sometimes interpreted as a scorpion, sometimes as a dragon or serpent, and sometimes as an eagle, depending on which tradition is talking.

The symbolism of the signs of the zodiac are extremely ancient.  These four beasts in both visions just simply can't NOT be astrological in connotation. 

In Hellenistic astrology, which would be developed about 400 years after Ezekiel's vision, they codified these four signs as related by the fixed mode.  (The two other modes are cardinal and mutable.)  Now, the first question I asked myself is why these four signs would be so important in a prophetic vision about the glory of the Lord.   The Cardinal mode signs would make more sense.  Cardinal signs mark the beginning of each season; they initiate and create.  While fixed signs maintain the seasons once established, and Mutable signs start closing things down to get ready for the next season, it's the Cardinal signs that witness the major turning points of the earth's cycle each year. All signs are equally important, but many major religious traditions place their sacred holidays around the times of the seasonal changes — the equinoxes and solstices — which are defined by the Cardinal signs.  If anything were to symbolize the power of God, it seems like Cardinal signs would make more sense.  It was puzzling to me.

Then I remembered precession. Aha!

Western astrology begins the sign of Aries with the spring equinox each year. However, the actual constellation rising in the sky at the time of the equinox is no longer the sign of Aries; it is Pisces.  This is due to the phenomenon of axial precession.  This phenomenon causes the positions of the zodiacal signs to shift by one degree about every 71.6 years.

Astronomers and astrologers have known about precession for centuries.  Its discovery is attributed in the West to Hipparchus, who lived in the 2nd century BCE (about 400 years later than Ezekiel, but 200 years earlier than John the Beloved), though Indian Vedic astrologers may have known about precession as early as 700 BCE.  At the time of Hipparchus, the sign of Aries did rise in the sky at the time of the vernal equinox, but it would not always be so.  Western astrology made the conscious choice to base their astrology on the tropical (season-based) year, not the sidereal (star-based) year. Thus, in the system of Vedic astrology, which is sidereal, the signs are now about 23 degrees different than the signs in Western astrology.

The sign of Aries marked the vernal equinox for a few thousand years.  Then the equinox point moved into the area of sky dominated by Pisces (though Westerners still called the vernal equinox Aries, because they'd decided to use a tropical system, remember).  Here's a chart showing how the vernal equinox point has changed through history. The numbers are years, BCE and CE. See how we're getting close to the end of Pisces, and you know what that means...  (Insert Hair reference here, of course... with much eye-rolling...)

By Dbachmann - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=6394235

Taurus isn't labeled in the above chart.  It's the constellation mostly below the ecliptic, that has Aldebaran in the center.

Figuring out when to declare a change in ruling sign of the vernal equinox is complicated and hotly debated.  But there are definitely periods where it's very clearly one sign or the other.

Here's my hypothesis: What if Ezekiel and John understood precession?  Or, at least, some simplified form of it via the understanding that the vernal equinox point (the start of the new year) gradually changed signs over the period of thousands of years?  According to a second century CE Jewish scholar, the date of creation is about 3761 BCE.  Perhaps other Jewish astronomers along the way before him arrived at a similar calculation.  If so, the vernal equinox point would have probably been in Taurus at that point (though it depends how you divide the sky. As I said, there is a lot of dispute over how to do this.)

If the Jews did, indeed, calculate the beginning of creation at some point when the vernal equinox was in Taurus --and I know this is a lot of "ifs"-- that would mean that Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius were the equinox and solstice signs at the year of creation.  Thus, these four animals -- the ox, the lion, the eagle, and the man-- would have sacred significance as the witnesses of creation. They were the initial guardians of the changes in seasons. They were the original markers of the most sacred points in the year.  They were the midwives of God's original intentions when she birthed this vast world.  Thus... it is significant that these four beasts support God's throne in both mystical visions listed above.  Referencing them in one's literature would be calling on the ancient knowledge of God as the one who is before all of history, existing in eternity, and the one who set the great wheels of time spinning, who holds the seasons together, and, therefore, who has authority over all of time and space.

Perhaps more interesting to modern minds, if my hypothesis is correct, this could mean that the ancients had some kind of understanding of precession at least 400 years before we think they did.  That would be pretty amazing if it were true.

Happy solstice!!