Is his identity better than mine? By being around him, did I hope to exalt myself to being as awesome as I thought he was? In other words, was I, at least partially, envisioning the relationship as a vassal-noble kind of dynamic, with myself as a floundering commoner, and him as a powerful person of high status--able to lift me from my position by means of his influence and resources? Is he simply cut from a different, finer, cloth than I am?
Perhaps wanting so much to be part of a system I perceived as better than my own system reflects an unhealthy self-image?
Or maybe my eagerness was more of a symptom of feeling powerless to change the components of my own system that I really really really want to change. Part of me violently rejects being disqualified as anyone less than an equal human with anyone else. I've had fewer opportunities than he has, that's all. I know I am just as smart, just as responsible, just as refined as he is. ...I just also know I'll need a little help to transform the aspects of my life that I'm not satisfied with.
Whatever the cause of today's resurgence of pain, an image has flooded my awareness. I feel the sensation of my heart as if it were located a couple inches outside of my chest. It is heaving like a dying animal struggling for each next breath. Bent over like an old peasant woman never in her life allowed her own choices. Twinging with pain all over, like a burn victim.
I place my hands around my heart, willing them to form a cool oasis to minister to this suffering creature. Be strong, I urge. This season will pass. A new vision will emerge that you can beat for. The time will come when you shine in such refracted rainbow brilliance, that all your enemies will be ashamed of their petty judgements and reckless rejections of the life you work diligently to infuse. Deceit will no longer haunt you. You will love who and where you are, and the trust you place in those who partner with you will be well deserved.
Believe this until you heal, I whisper. Believe it until it comes true.