Two nights ago, I dreamed that I was talking to the Biofeedback counselor I saw last summer, asking her to help my mom with Biofeedback. She (the counselor) was busy for the evening, but directed me somewhere to find the instructions written down that my mom could follow. The only way to get to whatever place she was talking about was by boat. It was a rowboat-like vessel on a smooth, beautiful lake. I wasn't rowing; I'm not really sure how the boat was propelled and steered, but it kind of just did. So I floated along to the destination, which was a tiny inlet, around which was a group of about 4-5 people having a Bar-be-que by the lake. Aaron* (the crush whose rejection has caused me so much pain the past 9 months) was in the middle of the group, standing at the apex of the little inlet. I chatted with him and some others in the group. Somehow, I'm not sure how, I got the Biofeedback information to pass along to my mom. I wasn't sure it would work the same way, since I didn't really know what I was doing, and I wasn't sure if the instructions would be adequate. I felt for some reason that whoever administered the Biofeedback needed to be knowledgeable and have a strong, positive energy, able to move the client's energy the right way, and I didn't think I could do that. But I thought, "maybe it will work anyway, just because, well, it's something that objectively works. A little will be better than nothing."
Then it was time to float on, so I waved and called out, "Good bye Aaron!"
I got to a dock, and there were alligators in the water that were emerging from the water onto the dock. They were fairly small, only about 2 feet long, but I didn't know if it would be safe to get out of the boat! I was nervous about them. Then I wondered if they were really alligators or crocodiles. I finally decided on alligators because of the shape of their mouths.
* (not his real name)
The strongest point in the dream was waving and calling out good bye to Aaron. I woke up profoundly touched by that, and hopeful.
Good bye! Maybe I will finally be able to move on. Maybe the dream is telling me that my unconscious mind is finally done processing this.
Oddly enough, though, I felt sadder about him yesterday than I have in awhile. I cried a lot. But I tried to let it be, let it flow how it needed to, trying my best (not always succeeding, but doing better) not to judge myself or my feelings.
Today, I woke up with a strong thought in my head all day. It feels like (another!) deep revelation into why he had such a hold on me. "If I don't have him, it will be impossible to make my life a success." Actually, the "thought" wasn't really worded that clearly. It's more like I became aware of a string of associations that I have somehow managed to build up in myself.
Aaron > career > success > security > survival vs. death
This is an illogical string of associations, but it's there. Somehow, I had managed to pin my hopes for developing my career, for being successful (both inter-personally and economically) onto being with him. It wasn't an intentional mashup. The entire time I was with him, I was cautioning myself not to get in too deeply, there are red flags, I'm not ready, he's not ready... But there was just something about him that triggered this wound in me, despite all my efforts. I already talked about how he triggered the wound of interpersonal relationships before. But there's also the wound of feeling a deep fear of being a financial and personal failure. Feeling like I'm not capable of supporting myself, no matter how hard I try, life's just against me. Feeling like I'll never be able to use my talents in the way I think they deserve to be used. Feeling like one of these days I'll drop one of these balls, and the entire juggling act will come crashing hopelessly down around me, and my kids and I will just drown in a sea of poverty-stricken mundanity, rather than live the life of adventure and abundance I want so much.
I'm not wording this right, I can't find the right words (are these alligators or crocodiles I'm dealing with here?? Ha ha), but I know the feeling I'm dealing with.
That old "familiar spirit." And oh, Aaron triggered it in me. It wasn't so much that I felt he had the answers, but I felt he struggled with the same feelings. How great to find someone who feels the same way I do! How easy a jump it is, then, to the hope that, therefore, this person will be able to help me find the answers! An easy jump my heart made without consulting my mind. An easy jump of doom.
Today I realized that my unconscious mind had built a very irrational schema around Aaron. Of course, I don't really need him to pursue my dreams of being financially stable and developing my talents. I can do that. Yes, I can. Not alone, of course, but my support network doesn't have to include him, as nice as that would actually be. There are plenty of other supportive, loving people out there I can find.
I'm glad I finally recognized this problem. Now to face those alligators.
One last word... This revelation made me wonder how much of my experience may apply to other people as well. So my hypothesis is, whenever we find ourselves (or see someone else) overreacting with deep wild emotions to a situation that doesn't seem to warrant it, it is an indicator that if the train of emotions is followed, the issue will end up being about feeling one's very survival is threatened. Nothing will trigger wild panic, or depressed resignation, more than the prospect that one may die. Our strongest biological urges are for survival.
In my case, I finally figured out that the Aaron issue really feels like an issue of survival (life or death!!) at its core, (illogical as that is). If I can't get a career going, I may very well die from starvation or homelessness or whatever. Money is pretty necessary for everything these days. Anyway... I wonder how the emotional rabbit trails of other people's issues may lead to the fear of death as well. Not that it's my business, I'm just curious if that might be the case more often than not.