This used to be a blog dedicated to one of my interests, dream interpretation. I have decided to expand it to include thoughts about pretty much Everything.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Don't fuck it up

"Don't fuck this up, girl."
"I have no idea what to say or how to act. I feel so awkward. I'm nervous, annoyed, bored, excited, condescending, hopeful, disappointed, and irritated, all at once. Why am I here? Why did I come? I'm not ready. Yes I am. I want this. No, I don't want this. Too late now. May as well give it a shot."

"Just don't fuck it up. That's all. This is your one chance. Relax and be yourself!"
"What part of myself should I be? I'm a complicated person. What angle should I showcase? And what's an appropriate topic of conversation? Why did I come? Ugh. I feel sick. Where are my GABA-calm drops? Deep breaths. This is idiotic. I'm not even interested in him, why would I be? He's a loser."

"I'm cool, I got this. (Whatever that means.)  I'll just smile and be friendly. No, I'll look serious.  No, I'll look bored. No, OK, maybe a smile is better after all.  Too eager. Maybe something kind of in-between.  No, now I look amused, condescending, and uninterested. Let's go back to looking serious."

"You're fucking it up. Stop fucking it up!"
"Here's my chance.  I'll say something funny... I can't think of anything funny.  I'll say something insightful and profound.  No, that will seem like showing off, or, worse, I'll sound like someone who's trying to sound smart but really has no idea what she's talking about.  No... OK, I'll be vulnerable. Vulnerable is good.  Trendy, even.  I'll talk about my feelings about my life situation. Oh, that was too much information, damn. Can I take it back? Damn. How do I get out of this? Smile! Say that life is good and I'm doing great! No, that will be too saccharine. DAMN. Change the subject. My mind is blocked--what do I change the subject to? Ask him about himself.  But what should I ask? It can't be something completely predictable, which will instantly put me at the level of 'just another boring face in the crowd.'  All the other questions I want to ask are wildly inappropriate, surely they are.  And now I'm stammering and taking up too much of his time."

"Did you fuck it up? You fucked it up. Way to go."
"Well... I mean... maybe there's a chance he'll get back to me.  I mean, maybe I did a good job of hiding how nervous I was. Maybe he's interested, but just shy. Or maybe he's nervous, himself, and needs some time to think about it. He seemed kind of interested. I felt sparks. Maybe he did too."

"Uh huh."
"God. Who am I kidding? He acts this way to everyone; I'm just another person to him. He's being polite and kind, but that's all. I hold zero weight for his life. He has much bigger issues on his mind, and much more interesting choices. But still, what did he mean when he said..."

"Stop. Don't get your hopes up. You fucked this one up for good. Now go on with your life and stop trying."
"Yeah. This one was too good for me anyway.  And anyway, I'm a busy person. Who has time for men?  Good riddance."

"You're such a loser."
"Shut up. Only sometimes. I won't let that line control me. And anyway, even if I am, what does it matter? Being single the rest of my life isn't like a prison sentence or something. I can take care of myself."

"There we go."
"I won't try this ever again."

"Yeah right, we both know you're a sucker for pain. Good night, loser girl."
"Now the problem is, how do I get this out of my head and stop worrying about it?"

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