I didn't post anything yesterday, because nothing happened except my feeling of being ticked off kind of swelled, then faded down a bit. And I was too ticked off to make myself sit down and write something.
Tonight, I did the light therapy as prescribed, and while there wasn't a dramatic emotional release, there was definitely some emotional stirring. Mostly a feeling of being pissed off, and not really wanting to stop feeling pissed off. That was the surprising thing, the not wanting to feel better part. It was like there was a voice inside me snarling, "I don't need to feel better. I'm perfectly justified in feeling angry, and goddammit, I'm going to be angry. Forever." Followed by some choice expletives.
Getting in touch with this melodramatic feeling inside myself was difficult to stay with. I believe so strongly in healing, the automatic reaction is to want to tell that voice all the things I know rationally: anger only hurts yourself, getting better will feel a lot better than staying sick, life will be great when you let go of anger. All that stuff. Of course. But I also know to honor my feelings and let them have their say.
Very soon the stubborn anger gave way to what was behind it--a stubborn hope. "Aaron" was so great, it would be foolish to let go of him so easily. Maybe someday he'll come back. It would be great to hold out for a miracle. Maybe I can help him somehow. Maybe he'll accept me someday.
Of course, I also know rationally that these things aren't true either. He's not a healthy choice for me. And he won't come back; that's not his nature. He doesn't need or want my help. And holding on to him prevents me from being ready for the one who really IS a healthy choice for me. But again, I honored the feeling and sat with it for awhile, all the while staring into that light...
Another feeling arose, back to the anger again, a feeling of being angry and repulsed at all men. Again, the rational mind had a hard time letting this one out. I know plenty of genuinely good men. But during the moment, my pissed off feeling extended to any man who might dare come near me. Good thing nobody was around--I'd rip his head off!
Thankfully, that emotion passed fairly quickly as well. I did come close to tears a couple times, but I didn't cry.
The past few days I've been snappier than normal. Hopefully it's all part of letting this anger go. I've also had moments of greater peace than I've felt in a long time. It's all kind of whirled together. Physically I'm feeling somewhat better, overall. Some days are harder than others. But I haven't needed quite as many naps as, say, 3 months ago.
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