Super busy the last few days, so no time to check in and report. My energy level has been great until yesterday and today. A different circumstance, unrelated to the one I've been dealing with has come up to dampen my mood. (Or is it perhaps actually unconsciously related after all, hmmmm??) And my mood seems to be the controller of my energy lately, unfortunately, so I felt depressed, tired, and listless today. I wish I were more resilient, but that's one reason I'm doing this therapy, to get the big issues out of the way and return to a normal, functioning lifestyle.
I went in for a quick check up with the kinesiologist on Monday, and she tested my body for how I was doing. Apparently, according to my arm, the anger issue is much better, so she checked on any ancillary or additional emotions that I may need help with processing. She did this by going through a list of emotions on a piece of paper (again, I couldn't see the list.) As she touched each one, she tested my arm. It was "no" answer for several times, and then suddenly, a "yes."
She said, "Your body is saying it's dealing with the emotion of humiliation. Does that make sense?"
Why yes. Yes it does. I had been musing on a few deeply embarrassing memories only the day before, actually.
The next step was to test which color my body wanted to use with the light therapy. My arm went strong on the Indigo transparency, so she let me borrow that one. And she tested my arm for how many sessions I'd need. Apparently the body thinks 3 will be enough to heal the humiliation.
And she told me I had to say to myself "I truly am victorious" while staring into the light. I had to struggle not to visibly roll my eyes. Really? Positivism? OK. Whatever. I just want to get better, so let's do whatever lame-ass thing she thinks will help.
Oh, and I told her that the horrible shaking thing had come back, just that day. I had been excited, because I thought it was gone, and I had even started drinking coffee again, but now it's back. She frowned, grabbed a glass vial from a nearby case, held it against my sternum, and tested my arm. Weak as a rag doll. She grabbed another vial, did the same thing. Weak. Another vial--strong. Another vial--weak. Then she grabbed the first and last vials. She put one against my sternum and tapped on my heart area, then grabbed the other one, and tested my arm. Strong.
OK, what the heck?
She said she was testing my body for a reaction to coffee. Apparently, she said, my body cannot handle coffee; it makes me weak. It's probably messing up my adrenals in a bad way. "Oh no!" I moaned, "I love coffee!" She said that tea did the same thing to me. The vial I tested strong on was beer, so thank goodness that's not out... Still, I was not happy with this news. Very not happy. She said the problem was the caffeine. The thing she did with the two vials was "lock in" the caffeine energy, and then just test with just coffee, and that was fine, which means the caffeine is the culprit. She said maybe it accumulated in the system instead of reacting after the first day of starting coffee again, and after awhile, I got that shaking reaction, since I just had too much in my system.
I really hate the shaking thing when it happens. Really hate it a lot. It's awful, terrible, annoying, embarrassing, irritating, and infuriating. So as much as I love coffee, I'm going to have to have it only once in awhile. Meanwhile, decaf if I must, but even that has caffeine in it. I'm going to have to start looking for a good herbal coffee, because I will really miss that intense bitter taste!
And, OK, anyway, back to the light therapy thing. I've finished Day Two of the Indigo treatment for humiliation. It actually feels good to stare into the light. Yesterday, nothing to report. Today, I had some tears well up a few minutes after the session was over, and I cried for several minutes. I wish I could explain why and what happened, but this is all going on under the surface. It's a little maddening that my conscious mind can't be fully involved in the process. The only thought I'm aware of is the anger and frustration that my gifts are not "out there" and being appreciated like I wish they could be.
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